Now We See Dimly...

"Cards, we are cards
In a wheel spun around on the truth
Maybe we don't need to know
Any more than we have to"

Despite the grammatical errors in these lyrics from Mute Math, I realized their relevance to the phase of life that I'm in. Still jobless after 6 weeks of "vacation" and with no purpose or cause presenting itself that I might pursue, I feel somewhat pointless. This may be a byproduct of a culture that seeks affluence, but I do need some sort of income in the near future. I've also been wondering about future semesters--will I go back to the university I disliked? Will I find another school that seems to fit my needs? Will I never finish school?

But do I really need to know all of this? I know that tomorrow I will either be in heaven or God will still be providing for my physical needs. If I don't have a job right now, then I must not need it. I don't need to know any more than what God has told me. To seek something that is outside of his will would be sin, and definitely not a good strategical move. This doesn't mean I won't be actively seeking employment, and that I won't need a job until April, but I am able to rest in God's care.

It is amazing to ponder how well God knows me. He knows my soul, yes, but he also knows about the tuition bill due soon, and the emotions that seem to have taken over my ability to think, and that I enjoy snow. He knows I was viewing myself as independent, when in reality I rely completely on his love, so he's teaching me of his providence. I am starting to realize how he is a perfect Father, and truly loves me as his daughter.

For now we see in a mirror dimly, but then face to face. Now I know in part; then I shall know fully, even as I have been fully known. (I Corinthians 13:12)

Woman, Define Yourself

It has been quite a while since I or many of my blogging friends have posted anything. I have several long drafts in my folder, waiting to become readable. I don't know if I'll ever finish them. But tonight I had something to write that I need to remember for later.

The men in my church recently went to a conference (a "Manference") concerning biblical manhood. The ones I talked to came back envisioned for pursuing the ideals of biblical manhood. For several reasons I pulled out my notes for the two women's conferences I've attended, one in 2000 and the other in 2004. I'm very curious to read the notes from the Manference, to see how the two conferences compare (though I wonder if that will ever happen) because...frankly, the women's conference in 2004 hurt.

In fact, I spent an hour tonight with tears on my face, struggling with my emotions surrounding biblical femininity. What is it? Is it possible to separate femininity into what is culturally acceptable and God's standards? To research this, I turned to Proverbs 31, which is my 2nd favorite passage of the Bible (my first, for the record, is Psalm 30:5).

Here's what I noticed about Proverbs 31. Things seem to be mentioned in a rather scatter-brained order, but it made sense that this was a listing of the woman's priorities, not just a collection of random thoughts. Taking that into consideration, I noticed that she is trusted by her husband, and his welfare is her first concern. She's eager to work, and cares for her household when no one notices. She invests her efforts and time wisely, not selfishly. She is physically active to be strong, not just to look good. She has found a valuable niche for her business efforts, and gives her customers a quality product. She is generous, even seeking those who are not asking for a handout in order to give. She is confident that her household's current and future needs are provided for, which reflects how she trusts her husband. She enjoys the fruit of her own work. She teaches the truth (wisdom) in love (kindness) to others. She cares well for her household, being neither idle nor micromanaging. Her family appreciates her publicly, and she is rewarded for the fruits of her actions. And here's the jewel of the whole chapter: "Charm is deceitful, and beauty is vain, but a woman who fears the Lord is to be praised."

Isn't it funny how many of these qualities are applicable to both men and women? I don't know any man who shouldn't invest his time or money into something he hasn't thought long and hard about, or who shouldn't be generous. I know that society has been celebrating the homogenizing of women and men, which is despicable. Because heart attitudes are so difficult to measure, however, it's easier to give people a list of what is masculine and what is feminine, rather than defining motivations.

I was not envisioned with biblical femininity at the women's conference, nor a heart attitude to strive after. I was given a list of do's and dont's, which was extremely burdening. Grace was in there somewhere, but it seemed to be thrown in as an afterthought. "Here's how you should grow, and this is what you need to do it. Oh, and don't forget that this is a collaboration with the Holy Spirit." Wha-? Grace isn't a safety net for when my efforts fail, but it should be the motivating factor behind my work. Where's the Main Thing? How can I pursue femininity while keeping the gospel central? Sovereign Grace's presentation of biblical femininity seems skewed. It seems they're describing biblical femininity plus personality traits and cultural femininity. Yes, I want to be culturally relevant, but please don't tell me that interior decorating is akin to evangelism. Sure, it can facilitate it, but if I don't evangelize in my home because it's not perfect then God is not served.

Rather than seeing my position in life as God's will for me, I was told that God wanted me somewhere else, with a husband and children. How is that in any way biblical? I am eager for the day that God will bless me with a husband and children, but do you know how hard it is to be satisfied in singlehood when one has been preparing for marriage and motherhood since infancy?

Could I use this information to prepare for the future? Of course. Next time I have the opportunity, I'll go camping with a Bible instead of attending a womens' conference. Ok, ok my reaction probably shouldn't be so extreme. But this conference had no new information for me, and I'm still sinning in jealousy and bitterness because where I am is not where I want to be. I'm excited for the future, but I need to be excited about here and now, too.


If you see points that need editing, please tell me. I'd gladly edit bitterness and jealousy out of my life, but I'm having a hard time seeing how right now...

Christmas Dance Show

Two weeks ago I was writing furiously, attempting to finish my projects and papers for school. Meanwhile, the fencers had voted for team captains, my admissions advisor at my new school was frantically trying to reach me, and my family still didn't have a Christmas tree. Life was crazy hectic in a way that I'd only had nightmares about, but was now facing in reality. John had a phrase that week that seemed applicable... "the only reason [the weekend] will come is 'cause time doesn't stop...not 'cause you'll be ready for it :-)." God gave me little reminders of grace throughout that period, one of which was that time seemed to move remarkably quickly, but my production rate didn't slow down. A professor was particularly kind and gracious by extending deadlines, which allowed me to give him something more worth reading, though the end of finals came later.

On Wednesday I went to Phipps Conservatory (at long last) with Susie and some of her classmates. Though I really didn't know most of them, we had fun tramping around the hothouse flowerbeds and exploring the new addition. Afterwards I went to Quaker Steak & Lube with John and Mike to meet other people there. Mike was...inexplicably giddy, but I had fun laughing at him. I was ready to collapse by the time we left QSL, and that was the first time I remember coughing. The cough became a constant. On Thursday I wrote MORE and MORE, then suddenly realized that I had about an hour to pack for a 5-day trip to Akron. Uhhhh...but everything got done in relatively good time. I was typing my paper up until the moment I reached Oakland, but I had clothes and a toothbrush for the trip. I showed Mom around the basement of the Cathedral for a while, which was fun, and we went to Lulu's. Good, good food...and lots of it. Then we met Bek, and I took off with her.

I'd like to go down a rabbit trail here. Schoolwork is stressful, yes, and at the end of this particular semester I had an interesting battle within concerning school. Obviously I didn't have the time I wanted to make my projects, papers, and exams as stellar as I would have liked. So priorities came into play, and one particular class got sadly ignored. It hurt to do this, especially as I loved the class. My teacher received my final project and seemed shocked at what I had turned in. She offered a deadline extension, and named a date that I expected to spend in Akron. I was washing clothes in preparation for packing when I received this news, and spent several hours debating what to do. I know I had turned in shoddy work, and could do better, so I seriously thought I'd cancel my trip with Bek, go later with John, and come home on Sat. with my parents. Or perhaps not even go at all. I had reached a point in stress where I was tempted to just break down instead of working through the issue. Yes, I considered it an issue. To some, school may take 1st place, but this was not simple. I prayed fervently, and God gave me some enlightenment. Why was I going to Akron? For the Christmas dance show. Why did I want to partake of that? To spread the gospel. Is that the only reason? No, I expect to be blessed with godly fellowship and worship, but through that I'm also expecting God to use me in a way that proves eternally beneficial. I expected God to change hearts at that dance show, and draw people closer to him. Why would I consider not going/making my stay shorter? Because of school. What is the importance of school? By staying home I could have changed my grade by a whole letter value, but considering that God had given me this opportunity to invest in his kingdom, how important is an A when a B is already there? I had been concerned over missing Akron, but through this I became more concerned with missing the Point. My ultimate priority remained with God, and all I am should be invested in him. So I'm getting a B instead of an A in a class. This made the weekend more relevant to eternity, and God surprised me with the grace to let go of my GPA in this regards.


I arrived around midnight at the Murphys. Bek is wonderful; I am so blessed by her friendship. The ride there was full of good music and conversation about God, college, etc. We raced to be the first to hug Jess, and I got the good old couch cushions herded into Jess' room ASAP and collapsed. However, at midnight I got a phone call from John's phone. I hung up and went into the hallway to text him without waking Jess. The caller was actually my brother, who was John's designated driver of the night. I kept losing signal, but found out that he and John had gone off the road, called a taxi, and were now safe at Hoffman's. WHAT? Just kidding! Ugh! Brothers! Crazy boys. More on them later.

The next day was very lackadaisical for me. Jess and Jen both worked, so I watched the Murphy boys played videogames all morning. In the evening we went to dance rehearsal where I was reunited with the Smiths and the Hoffmans. I sewed the backdrop together with fishing line while the dancers rehearsed, and would randomly be needed on stage. "Joseph," played by Steve, had grown a beard for the occasion. 'Twas sweet! We came home, and though I meant to shower I watched The Return of the King with the Murphy family.

On Saturday I fried apples for Jess, Jen, and Daniel before we took off for the church. The dress rehearsal was full of Joseph/Mary jokes. Lots. Even before the show we were teasing each other on Facebook. Once things started, though, Joseph and I would tease each other onstage since we weren't dancing. I'd hold the baby for a while, pass it off to Joseph, and he'd start cooing, "Who's the son of God? Oh yes! That's you! You're so cute!" then would get bored and hand it back. I'd sit there stroking the baby's face and Joseph would be watching the angels dancing around us. "Joseph! Stop flirting with the angels!" I'd snap, and he'd come back with "Well you know, the baby's not even mine." Yeah. Backstage, Herod (Micah) wanted to see the baby, and I pretended to get offended. Joseph immediately was like "hey, back off" and the two of them started teasing. So I was accused of flirting with Herod to get back at Joseph! Ah, the long twisted stories...the teasing helped to relieve stress but also, I think, helped several people to realize the scandalous affair that Jesus' birth seemed to be. Steve even said, "I'm starting to realize what Joseph went through about this."

I was kept quite busy massaging shoulders and feet between the first show and the second one. The day was long, especially for dancers, and I was glad to be of use to them. Even Phillip felt better after a back rub.

[3/21/07...unfortunately, I never finished this. But the shopping trip in Columbus afterwards was fun, too. Jess and I sang our throats raw, I rubbed more backs, and got nice hand massages that really helped the arthritic pain. The rest is, unfortunately, forgotten. But I'm glad I went!]

Christmas

I was thinking about gifts the other day. A friend reminded me of how cheaply I can bless others with animals, fruit trees, etc. that would give them an incredible economic boost, and I thought, "oh this is nice but not for me-I'm a poor college student." I've been looking at iPods, thinking about which one I'd like to get, and the special edition (PRODUCT) RED nanos looked interesting, and $10 (of $250) goes to help fight AIDS in Africa. "Aww, cute!" I thought, and more or less decided to get that one instead of a plain old (yet perfectly sufficient) Shuffle. THEN Jon D's blog sent me to globalrichlist.com where I learned I was in the top 15% of richest people in the world. Even with my student's wages. The website told me that, with $73 I could buy a new mobile phone OR a new mobile health clinic to care for AIDS orphans in Uganda.

Embarrassing, isn't it...that I would consider a $250 toy that would give $10 to the "Global Fund" instead of a $70 version which would enable me to give basic health supplies to orphans?

I do not believe one can settle how much we ought to give. I am afraid the only safe rule is to give more than we can spare.
~C.S. Lewis

africa 007
Originally uploaded by sumiknik.

Thoughts before the show

Instead of typing one of 3 papers due tomorrow...two of which are rather large...I decided to write down just a few thoughts before the dance show happening this weekend.

I need to practice! I have a DVD that's essentially showing the part I'm playing, although I'll be putting some new "twists" on it, and I need to watch that as often as possible and practice the movements. Like...walking like a pregnant woman, looking for a place to stay, while in labor. Yeah...that'll be a new experience!

Stage butterflies are something to face before the show. I've learned to practice being nervous so I can practice being focused on why I'm doing this. Must work on being nervous :-P

What to focus on? THE GOSPEL. That's why I'm going and doing this, and people are working back stage for it. It's so easy to forget...yet so, SO central. God, help me to remember YOU during this, and devote every thought to you. May I appropriately model the character of Mary and convey her emotions effectivey so that I may glorify you.

Pearl Harbor Day

Think what you will about the Japanese attack on Pearl Harbor that happened at dawn on 7 December 1941, 65 years ago. I know that its historical importance is significant, but I do not claim to know the events leading up to the attack. Regardless, I am asking you to remember those who have been or are in the armed services today. If you know war veterans or current soldiers, please pray specifically for them and their current situation. Contacting them to chat may not be a bad idea, either. They have amazing stories to tell, both good and bad.

Why is it important to remember such events? Because "those who cannot learn from history are doomed to repeat it." (George Santayana)

Finally-hoedown stuffs

Here I recount the event of PHC's hoedown. It has been a long time since it happened, but I'm hoping to remember a few things worth mentioning. The trip began at 11:30 PM on Thursday night with a call to Bek, asking about dress codes at her school. Hearing a gravelly voice, I remembered the time. Ahhh! Who in their right mind calls that late on a week night? Silly, insomniac me. Bek is gracious, however, and forgave me!

Perhaps it was because my packing was so frantic, but I brought more on that trip for 3 days than almost any other trip I've taken. Even when I went to Europe for 3 weeks, I packed everything into a backpack and a soft-side cooler, both of which were carry-on items. For this trip, I had a backpack full of clothes (note to self...bring more than 1 t-shirt), a laptop bag with lappy, cords, and notebooks, my pillow in its bag, and a sizable CD case. Wow.

My father drove me to Starbucks to meet with Dave T, Bek's brother. After a bit of waiting and some good conversation, Dave showed up in his mother's cute green convertible. My stuff was stuffed into the tiny trunk and we took off. Though that car has a poor sound system, the seats were very comfortable and perfect for a 5 hour drive. Dave and I traded 1-liners for a few hours, and left each other in stitches. We stopped for lunch at Quizno's, which was soup in a breadbowl. A quick stop at several gas stations later, and we were almost at Bek's. I decided to go old-school and popped Carman into the CD player (I'd been DJ'ing the whole trip). After discovering that Dave had similar childhood memories connected to his music that I did, we both sang lyrics loudly and headbanged for most of the CD's duration. Unfortunately, this caused us to miss a few vital turns. Bek received several frantic phone calls as we tried to find her school.

Upon arrival at PHC (amid confusion, laughter, and wrong turns), Dave tricked Bek into coming out of her dorm while not seeing us. He, dressed in his leather trench coat and wide-brimmed hat, ran to meet her. She saw and ran toward him, and was swept up in a bear hug that lasted for a minute. Both were smiling widely, and it was contagious. I couldn't help but smile with them. After unloading the car we wandered around campus a bit. Her school is drastically different than mine. Our mottoes... mine: Veritas et Virtus. Hers: Pro Christo et Libertate. My school has 28,559 students, and hers has 308. I had 300 students in my Intro Bio class! My school is urban, hers is suburban. Girls and guys are not allowed into each other's dorms (save the foyer), but at my school there are absolutely no rules concerning that-thankfully, I don't stay in the dorms! However, both schools have the same colors of blue and gold. Huzzah!

We partook of dinner in the cafeteria. It was pizza night, but thankfully I had choices. I ate a turkey sandwich, salad, orange, and chocolate pudding. Everything was good as cafes go, but something strange happened there. I woke up around 3:30 AM the next morning with severe stomach pain and cramps, but Metamucil took care of that the next day.

At dinner we met a fellow by the name of Joshua (I think) who chatted with us a bit. After dinner Dave and I played a bit of air hockey and foosball, but found out that some dudes (including Joshua) were playing Halo in the hall. I didn't play, but I'd never seen Halo before. Interesting...it's definitely a guy game, though I could enjoy it occasionally. After that, Dave, Joshua, and I decided to watch Return of the King, and went to recruit people to watch with us. After getting entangled in several conversations in the hallway (Is infinity a natural number? Can infinity be multiplied?) and meeting a girl named Samantha, we found out that 13 Going On 30 had started in the room we planned to watch our movie in. Since none of us wanted to watch that, we wandered until we found people watching The Incredibles in another dorm hall. We watched that for a while, then dispatched to our places of repose.

Bek came back from work around midnight with a bag full of Starbucks goodies. We ate them the next morning in the cafe, where I brought the lappy and a notebook. I got a few hours of reading done, and it was time for lunch. The waffles were excellent, and I kept meeting people. In a school that size, it's hard not to notice strangers :-) I made mental notes of guys I'd like to dance with that evening, and girls I'd like to hang out with during lag time.

That evening I took a long nap because I'd been up with stomach pain for some time. Bek woke me when she returned from work (with more goodies) and we prepared for the hoedown. I wore jeans (duh), a plaid shirt, corduroy jacket, and the infamous John Deere hat with braids. Bek looked gorgeous, of course, in jeans and a blue, pink-flowered shirt and braids. Jake showed up and took us and Dave to a restaurant called "Red Hot and Blue" for dinner. Dinner was good and greasy (I totally forget what I got...something with a spicy dip). Our conversation seemed light but intelligent and very enjoyable.

The hoedown itself was well worth the trip. We danced in sand, which wore me out very quickly, and there were a LOT of people there dancing. One fellow danced so much that, since the air was cold, his body was steaming! I was glad that I dressed in layers, and shed my jacket quickly.

[3/21/07...I seem to have half-finished accounts of wonderful trips spread throughout my blog. Apologies. Some random memories from the rest of this trip:

Being spun by Dave...faster than I ever thought possible.
Getting dragged through the sand by Derek during a line dance.
Gasping for breath during and after dances.
Wishing guys weren't intimidated by my height.
Laughing at guys climbing the barn structure.
Meeting a random girl and being friends for a night.
A keg of root beer.
Beautiful stars after the dance.
Dave nodding to sleep at church on Sunday.
CJ Mahaney preaching.
Wasabi on tuna sushi at lunch on Sunday.
Looooooong conversation about Spiritual giftings with Dave on the way home.
Conversations about other deep things with Dave on the way home.
Trying to snuggle into the sheepskin seat covering on the way home.
Asking, "What's for food?" when Dave and I finally get home.
Playing Risk and getting slaughtered by Dave the next morning.

The weekend was wonderful. Many thanks to Bek for hosting!]

Me-kinda

I'm italicizing the things I have done.
What have you done?

01. Bought everyone in the bar a drink
02. Swam with wild dolphins
03. Climbed a mountain volcano
04. Taken a Ferrari for a test drive
05. Been inside the Great Pyramid
06. Held a tarantula
07. Taken a candlelit bath with someone
08. Said “I love you” and meant it
09. Hugged a tree
10. Bungee jumped
11. Visited Paris
12. Watched a lightning storm at sea-is it OK if I was in a plane?
13. Stayed up all night long and saw the sun rise
14. Seen the Northern Lights
15. Gone to a huge sports game (and survived the crush afterwards)
16. Walked the stairs to the top of the leaning Tower of Pisa
17. Grown and eaten your own vegetables
18. Touched an iceberg
19. Slept under the stars
20. Changed a baby’s diaper
21. Taken a trip in a hot air balloon
22. Watched a meteor shower
23. Gotten drunk on champagne
24. Given more than you can afford to charity
25. Looked up at the night sky through a telescope
26. Had an uncontrollable giggling fit at the worst possible moment-define "worst"
27. Had a food fight
28. Bet on a winning horse
29. Asked out a stranger
30. Had a snowball fight
31. Screamed as loudly as you possibly can-I love screaming
32. Held a lamb
33. Seen a total eclipse
34. Ridden a roller coaster
35. Hit a home run
36. Danced like a fool and not cared who was looking
37. Adopted an accent for an entire day
38. Actually felt happy about your life, even for just a moment
39. Had two hard drives for your computer
40. Visited all 50 states
41. Taken care of someone who was drunk
42. Had amazing friends
43. Danced with a stranger in a foreign country-I wish!
44. Watched wild whales-humpback whales!
45. Stolen a sign
46. Backpacked in Europe
47. Taken a road trip
48. Gone rock climbing
49. Midnight walk on the beach-some day
50. Gone sky diving
51. Visited Ireland
52. Been heartbroken longer than you were actually in love
53. In a restaurant, sat at a stranger’s table and had a meal with them
54. Visited Japan
55. Milked a cow
56. Alphabetized your CDs
57. Pretended to be a superhero
58. Sung karaoke
59. Lounged around in bed all day
60. Played touch football-I know, it's astonishing, isn't it?
61. Gone scuba diving
62. Kissed in the rain
63. Played in the mud
64. Played in the rain
65. Gone to a drive-in theater
66. Visited the Great Wall of China
67. Started a business
68. Fallen in love and not had your heart broken-Jesus is amazing :-)
69. Toured ancient sites
70. Taken a martial arts class
71. Played D&D for more than 6 hours straight
72. Gotten married
73. Been in a movie
74. Crashed a party
75. Gotten divorced
76. Gone without food for 5 days
77. Made cookies from scratch
78. Won first prize in a costume contest
79. Ridden a gondola in Venice-at 90 euro? Of course not!
80. Gotten a tattoo
81. Rafted the Snake River
82. Been on television news programs as an “expert”
83. Got flowers for no reason
84. Performed on stage
85. Been to Las Vegas
86. Recorded music-But I think John deleted those tracks :-P
87. Eaten shark
88. Kissed on the first date-ask me after my first date
89. Gone to Thailand
90. Bought a house
91. Been in a combat zone-my brother's bedroom
92. Buried one/both of your parents
93. Been on a cruise ship
94. Spoken more than one language fluently
95. Performed in Rocky Horror
96. Raised children
97. Followed your favorite band/singer on tour
99. Taken an exotic bicycle tour in a foreign country
100. Picked up and moved to another city to just start over
101. Walked the Golden Gate Bridge
102. Sang loudly in the car, and didn’t stop when you knew someone was looking
103. Had plastic surgery
104. Survived an accident that you shouldn’t have survived-define "shouldn't." God is sovereign over my life.
105. Wrote articles for a large publication-does the Excelsior! count? :-)
106. Lost over 100 pounds-I hope I never do
107. Held someone while they were having a flashback
108. Piloted an airplane
109. Touched a stingray
110. Broken someone’s heart-I hope not!
111. Helped an animal give birth-several, actually
112. Won money on a T.V. game show
113. Broken a bone-my toe!
114. Gone on an African photo safari
115. Had a facial part pierced other than your ears
116. Fired a rifle, shotgun, or pistol
117. Eaten mushrooms that were gathered in the wild
118. Ridden a horse
119. Had major surgery
120. Had a snake as a pet
121. Hiked to the bottom of the Grand Canyon
122. Slept for more than 30 hours over the course of 48 hours
123. Visited more foreign countries than U.S. states-hmm, almost
124. Visited all 7 continents
125. Taken a canoe trip that lasted more than 2 days-I wish!
126. Eaten kangaroo meat
127. Eaten sushi
128. Had your picture in the newspaper
129. Changed someone’s mind about something you care deeply about
130. Gone back to school
131. Parasailed
132. Touched a cockroach
133. Eaten fried green tomatoes
134. Read The Iliad - and the Odyssey
135. Selected one “important” author who you missed in school, and read
136. Killed and prepared an animal for eating-I helped butcher a deer, but didn't kill it
137. Skipped all your school reunions-er, family reunions?
138. Communicated with someone without sharing a common spoken language
139. Been elected to public office
140. Written your own computer language
141. Thought to yourself that you’re living your dream
142. Had to put someone you love into hospice care
143. Built your own PC from parts-MAC baby
144. Sold your own artwork to someone who didn’t know you-Some day
145. Had a booth at a street fair-go Providence Church! And fencing...
146. Dyed your hair
147. Been a DJ
148. Shaved your head
149. Caused a car accident
150. Saved someone’s life

Homeschool curriculum

Dude! For the sake of posterity, I'm linking to the site of MAKE magazine so I can remember where to find them when I have more time. They have sweet ideas for stuff you can build yourself, like an mp3 player. I'm planning on visiting their blog next time I get bored so I can get ideas of sweet stuff to build. A subscription to this thing could be a good complement to a homeschooler's curriculum! So many ideas...I want to learn how to solder stuff now...

post 170!

happy t day!!!!!!

Gone...You Pretend Like You're Immortal

Tomorrow I will be leaving for a good friend's college to participate in their annual hoedown. I am not sure why I am doing this, as it seems to be irresponsible or unwise when one considers the time I have available and the money I have budgeted for such a trip. In both cases, there simply isn't enough. And yet I go.

I go because I am escaping for a few days away from the stress. I'll be bringing schoolwork with me, but something strange has been going on. I'm stressed out, and it's not like finals week stress where I can see an end to it, and it's not just limited to one area of my life. I am sleeping less well than ever and when I do sleep, my dreams are full of bad situations and images that don't help me rest much.

I go to step away from the future in order to analyze it. I had finally decided that I was definitely going to try for art school, when my parents mentioned my goal of teaching in Namibia. They encouraged me to renew my efforts in that dream and this has changed my mindset completely. Art school is still tantalizing, but certainly no where near as tantalizing as spending time in Namibia working for the glory of God. So I hope to find direction as I stop thinking about it for a while.

I go to have fun! I am greatly anticipating the fellowship there, as every PHC'er I've met has been of like mind and temperament in so many ways to myself. I love dancing, and conversation with intellectual peers should prove to be stimulating.

Language and Music

My father told me about a show called Radio Lab, and specifically about an episode that explores perfect pitch in both language and music. It's really interesting. This seriously made me wonder...if I record myself reading my poetry and play it repeatedly, would I be able to find that elusive melody that almost always accompanies my writing? Hm...

This show is genius in itself. The audio landscape they create is amazing. But you will be humming "...sometimes behaves so strangely..." for a while if you listen!



In other news, Switchfoot's newest album "Oh! Gravity" is really sparse, musically. But if those guys ever wanted to, they could write a killer concerto. Maybe they should hook up with the Trans-Siberian Orchestra.

Daniel Bedingfield

I recently received my first CD from half.com. it's Daniel Bedingfield's CD Gotta Get Through This (his music is in the Pride & Prejudice movie below). His music is so interesting. It's pop, which is ranked right below pop country on my list of "music I'd rather not listen to," but the lyrics are killer. Most of the music has dance beats, though he does wander through a bit of rap, slow ballads, and a jazzy feel. However, he wrote and produced most of the lyrics and tracks in his bedroom studio, which I thought was sweet.

His lyrics mostly focus on love. He writes about very human emotions, but with such a purity of thought it's refreshing and exciting. Here are some of my favorite lines:

"So wrap your arms around me and
Kiss me 'til I'm dead"
(I don't find this morbid...it sounds like a long-term commitment to me!)

"He don't wanna have your children
He don't wanna build his life around you...
This place in your heart, that was made for me"
(Wow...more commitment in a love song!)

The whole song Honest Questions could be a quote in itself. It's just amazing.

The song Friday makes me laugh. Will anyone ever be that obsessed about me? I think it's sweet :-)

Gotta Get Thru This and If You're Not The One both seem to encapsulate the emotions I feel about this stage of waiting for a lover.

I wouldn't call his music cutting edge, but the lyrics drive the music. The music is appropriate, but not stunning. Still, he's got a couple of 5-star songs on my iTunes playlist!

Poetry--lyrics?

*Don't think about poetry when you read this...think more about the flow of ideas and images that come to mind. It really should be performance poetry, but this is what I could do with words. Music would do wonders to facilitate the words.*

Do you realize
how lovely the stars are tonight
and your hand
so warm around mine
Is lovely too

Where is love
Where is joy
Where is peace

Where can't our relationship exist
I snuggle deeper
Beautiful words
You breathe on my face
Whispering to me

"I am love
I give joy
I bring peace"

When I can't see stars
Or think about tomorrow
For fear of pain
I know
Your words
Beautiful

Here is love
Here is joy
Here is peace

Sing softly, my King
I feel my heart falling
prey to your wooing
Astonished I let go
and surrender to your will

Sing of love
Sing of joy
Sing of peace

Now I laugh at tomorrow
Where are my worries
You have led me up
Into exhilaration
I sing

Full of love
Full of joy
Full of peace

No room
For anyone else

Weekend(s) II

I thought I had this published, but it seems I didn't...so, the week before last weekend (does this sound familiar?) was especially enjoyable. So this is from the last weekend in October.

On Friday I went to the zoo with Heather D., her children, and the children from another family in church. I touched a stingray! Several, actually! Their skin is remarkably soft. The lion roared for us, too :-D God's creation is so amazing. He is truly the Creator, the only one, and the epitome of creativeness. This struck me yet again at the zoo. Everything from cheetahs to glow-in-the-dark scorpions to giant octopi. What hasn't he created? And there are worlds out there full of his imagination that would terrify us! It makes me want to create by imitating him more than ever, though I know I can but cheaply imitate him.

Later, I went to the last boot camp of the preseason and studied all the kids that will make up the future of my team. I like it. I think it's a good mix, and I'm excited about next season (especially epee...I think I picked up a few converts :D )

After THAT I ran around like a madwoman to get ready for yet ANOTHER SYMPHONIC CONCERT! I wore my mother's school dance outfit of the 70's: black velvet vest, black velvet pencil skirt, a collared, button-down shirt that had renaissance sleeves, and my elvish necklace. Though it's hard to walk in, I love this outfit and rarely wear it. Dad looked at me and said, "The last time I saw that get-up your Mom was wearing it." Way cool! I also found out that my paternal grandfather always wanted to see me in black velvet. Interesting.

This time I went to go hear several choral pieces by Bach and Beethoven's 5th symphony with John and Katie (we switched brothers ;-)). There was one fly in the soup: The trolley was late so I barely got there in time for the start of the concert. But after that things went swimmingly. I've rarely enjoyed any concert as much as that one. Afterwards John showed us around the Chem-E computer lab in the basement of Benedum while we talked about school and futures and stuff like that. Then we went to Fuel and Fuddle for my first time. I got woodchuck draft cider and we all shared a really good pizza that had blue cheese on it.

On Sunday I mixed the sound for church service. I tried SO HARD to keep it under 90 dB, and suceeded most of the time. However, I didn't have to sacrifice anything to keep it so low! The guitars and piano really clicked, so I could push the electric guitar in a way I've never felt the freedom to do without expecting complaints. Normally it's just acoustic and piano...and though I "featured" certain instruments for certain songs, I never had to blank one or the other because they clashed. It was so fun. I kept chuckling during worship because it is so fun to just play with the instruments...something I've never done before to that extent.

There were many, many more events...but at this time, my memory fails me. I shall write more as it comes to mind!

Oh What A Night...

Well, actually, it was a day. The whole thing. Went absolutely crazy, and I'm not kidding.

Today I woke up early, and even though I wasted 20 minutes of my usually well-planned morning on Facebook, I ate a good breakfast and got to class on time. I stayed alert and participated in all of my classes. Though I forgot a minor assignment and had a pop quiz, I did well and felt pretty chipper. Sadly, I do not remember once attributing this peace to my Father in Heaven, though I certainly enjoyed it for all it was worth.

I got home around 6:30 and discovered Hezz was going to be here with some college friends! Yayy! Then I left for the first fencing practice of the season. Then things added up...I had to drive myself, half of the electronics in the car weren't working, I had to fill up on gas before getting to fencing, I had to pick up a movie I dropped off at Family Video instead of Blockbuster...nothing huge, but it was all irritating to the point that, at the gas station, I found that my debit card was not inside my wallet, nor was any amount of money. I called Mom (who was less than a mile away) to come rescue me, and promptly broke down in the car, crying like I never have before. The car eventually got gas, and I decided I was in no shape to coach. I barely made it home...you know, driving with tears in your eyes is really hard. Mostly because your mind's obsessed with why you're crying.

At 7:30 I was more or less recomposed. Thinking about that hour befuddles me. I am usually logical about how I handle emotion, and not much phases me, though I might do a double-take. I've been thoroughly trained about how to handle stress and problems that arise: Devise a logical solution and just work through the steps. If it gets hard just focus on finishing one simple step at a time. Tonight I knew none of my "problems" were insurmountable or unsolveable, yet I collapsed under routine stress. It was the first time I'd ever been totally up to the will of my emotions with absolutely no logic to balance them. I hated it, every minute of it, and that just made me cry harder. It was so frustrating, and though I grasped at Truth and tried to beat myself out of this emotional puddle, I simply could not do so with my own strength. But, who came and rescued me? Guess.

Around 7:45 Mom and I drove to the newlywed Hughes' house for games and leftover Halloween candy. I went, and seemed to function normally. I had a blast, and genuinely laughed quite often. Never have I played such a good game of "Catchphrase."

Thus goes Thursday, 2 November 2006. I wanted to document it for future reference, in case this becomes some sort of weird habit, and also to remind my future self of God's incredible sustaining grace. When despair cripples you, O Future Self, and logic cannot be found and reason escapes you, cling to the Truth. Reality may shift and the Truth be unrecognizable or seem unworthy, but BELIEVE and salvation will come. Oh how great is our God!

Much thanks to my mother for being a vessel of God's grace during this crazy evening.

Pray for Ian!

Today I went to the hospital again to visit an old friend, Ian. His story is long and complex, so I won't explain it all here, but please check out his site for a quick explanation.

His father and girlfriend were there when I visited, and I stayed for about an hour. It's amazing watching him react to their encouragement. "Ian, can you move your arm for me? Your left arm? Your dad's touching it," says Larissa in a sweet tone. "Ian, stick your tongue out." "Ian, wiggle your toe. Just your big toe." Following each command, he seems to think for a while, and muscles spasm. Usually he can complete the task, and when he does he's greeted with his father's "good job, Ian! Good job!" that I've heard so many times applied to other kids, especially at Youth Camp. They both take turns stroking his mohawk (medically mandated) and gazing into his half-opened eyes. He was quite active today, more so than usual. His dad was moving his arms around, trying to keep them limber, and Ian was squeezing his hand. When Mr. Murphy moved like they were caught in an arm wrestling match, Ian pulled his arm toward his body with surprising force, which was really encouraging. Later, Larissa had to pry her hand out of his strong grip. It seems he is trying so hard to "wake up" and talk. It seems frustrating to him, that his love is cooing and stroking his face, but he can't respond!

I was so nervous when I walked into that room. But I'm glad I went. It was so powerful to see the love displayed for Ian. I had been asking God to show me what true love looks like, that I can prepare myself for marriage. While I was there God said, "Shannon, look. This is love. No man has greater love than this: That someone lays down his life for a friend." I had to kneel and continue praying, thanking God for the people who sacrificed so much to care for Ian through this trial.

I left as Larissa sang to him. "I can't see me lovin' no body but you...for all my life!" Such wondrous grace!

fan video....

So, Natasha Bedingfield is one of my favorite pop artists go, though I don't really like pop. Apparently she has a brother who's a Christian singer? Cool. I liked this song...and the video to go with it is not bad as fan videos go.

Weekend(s)

Last weekend was amazing. In many ways.

On Friday I took my cousins to the Science Center and we ran around and had fun. The guy who took us through the subway saw the 3 of us coming, and asked "do you have a chaperone?"
"Yep! That's me!" I say, trying not to sound dubious.
"Oh. How old are you?"
"I'm 21." responds I, starting to wonder.
"Hm. Uh, OK."
My cousin pipes up, "how old do you think she is?"
I cringe.
"Um, around 14 I would have guessed," he responds. Heh!
Later on, I dropped something on the bus, and a man hands it to my other cousin. "Here, I think your mom dropped this." Oh dear! A 14-year-old mother of two! Who are in their double-digits!! Hahahahahaaa...

On Saturday Dan, Katie and I went to a symphonic concert featuring Richard Strauss' Don Quixote and De Falla's Master Peter’s Puppet Show which is apparently a scene from the story of Don Quixote. Dan was the only one who had read the book, so he probably enjoyed it more than Katie and I, but I still really, really enjoyed it. The best part of the puppet show was the little kid who announced what was going to happen in the next puppet scene...he was a life-sized puppet who was controlled by someone who sat on a rolling stool. One hand controlled the puppet's mouth, one hand was the puppet's hand, and both feet were the puppet's feet. He was so adorable!!

On Sunday I had my first latte...it was a caramel latte at Eat'n'Park. I added sugar, otherwise it wouldn't have been possible for me to drink it. Dan finished it for me...I think it's the last latte I have for the forseeable future. The flavor wasn't too bad, but there was way too much sugar in there, and I don't like caffeine anyway. My pastor began a series on Heaven, and here follows the summary: He preached on 1 Peter 1:3-9.

• When you can't see your goal, it is so easy to give up. But since we don't know where the "finish line" is, then we must press on, believing that God will sustain us until we reach it.
• Why keep an eye on eternity?
  
• The result is inexpressible joy
• Trials come to test my faith and it may be hard to see the end result, but RESIST TEMPTATION and inexpressible joy will come by remembering eternity.
• The outcome of my faith is the salvation of my soul.
• God does the action in these verses: keeping, guarding, etc.
• 3 truths to focus on:

1. God caused me to be born again
1. Treasure the work Christ has done
2. Ephesians 2:5 plus a whole list of verses I missed...something in II Corinthians and Matthew 11...or maybe it was Matthew 16
   
1. God is doing all the work here!
2. How did Peter answer Jesus' question "Who do you say I am?" Remember Jesus' response-Peter's knowledge was not of his own doing
2. verse 4-God is keeping an inheritance for me
1. What do I see in the future? Is heaven good?
3. I didn't write this one down.....I must have left...?

• At this point I had an idea for a dance that might be applicable to the series, having to do with personal devotions being a taste of heaven. I mentioned it to Mr. Pierson and we'll see if the idea goes anywhere. I'm glad I mentioned it, even if we never dance the piece.
  

Christian Art

Why does it seem that Christian art must be separate from "normal" art? I've found a model for my artistic ideals in the man named Makoto Fujimura. Of course, I realize he's human, and therefore fallible. But I wanted to point out what he is doing with his art and encourage others to look for the same. If his name sounds familiar, that's because WORLD magazine voted him as "Daniel of the Year" in 2005.

Nerd

OK, I'm a linguistics nerd. But I thought this was hilarious regardless of one's education (excepting a good knowledge of English).

Linguistic humor, Who's on first, updated for the 21st century

Click here for the immortal original.

Abbott:	Ultimate SuperDuper Computer Store. Can I help you?
Costello:	Thanks. I'm setting up a home office in the den, and I'm thinking of buying a computer.
Abbott:	Mac?
Costello:	No, the name is Bud.
Abbott:	Your computer?
Costello:	I don't own a computer. I want to buy one.
Abbott:	Mac?
Costello:	I told you, my name is Bud.
Abbott:	What about Windows?
Costello:	Why? Does it get stuffy?
Abbott:	Do you want a computer with Windows?
Costello:	I don't know. What do I see when I look out the windows?
Abbott:	Wallpaper.
Costello:	Never mind the windows. I need a computer and software.
Abbott:	Software that runs on Windows?
Costello:	No, on the computer! I need something I can use to write proposals, track expenses. You know, run a business. What have you got?
Abbott:	Office.
Costello:	Yeah, for my office. Can you recommend anything?
Abbott:	I just did.
Costello:	You just did what?
Abbott:	Recommend something.
Costello:	You recommended something?
Abbott:	Yes.
Costello:	For my office?
Abbott:	Yes.
Costello:	Okay, what did you recommend for my office?
Abbott:	Office.
Costello:	Yes, for my office.
Abbott:	Office for Windows.
Costello:	I already have an office and it already has windows! Let's say I'm sitting at my computer, and I want to type a proposal. What do I need?
Abbott:	Word.
Costello:	If I'm writing a proposal, I'm going to need lots of words. But what program do I load?
Abbott:	Word.
Costello:	What word?
Abbott:	The Word in Office.
Costello:	The only word in "office" is "office."
Abbott:	The Word in Office for Windows.
Costello:	Which word in "office for windows"?
Abbott:	The Word you get when you click the blue W.
Costello:	I'm going to click your big blue W if you don't give me a straight answer. Let's forget about words for a minute. What do I need if I want to watch a movie over the Internet?
Abbott:	RealOne.
Costello:	Maybe a real movie, maybe a cartoon. What I watch is none of your business. But what do I need to watch it?
Abbott:	RealOne.
Costello:	If it's a long movie I'll also want to watch reels two, three, and four. Can I watch reel four?
Abbott:	Of course.
Costello:	Great! With what?
Abbott:	RealOne.
Costello:	Okay, so I'm sitting at my computer and I want to watch a movie. What do I do?
Abbott:	You click the blue 1.
Costello:	I click the blue one what?
Abbott:	The blue 1.
Costello:	Is that different from the blue W?
Abbott:	Of course it is. The blue 1 is RealOne. The blue W is Word.
Costello:	What word?
Abbott:	The Word in Office for Windows.
Costello:	But there are three words in "office for windows"!
Abbott:	No, just one. But it's the most popular Word in the world.
Costello:	It is?
Abbott:	Yes, although to be fair there aren't many other Words left. It pretty much wiped out all the other Words.
Costello:	And that word is the real one?
Abbott:	No. RealOne has nothing to do with Word. RealOne isn't even part of Office.
Costello:	Never mind; I don't want to get started with that again. But I also need something for bank accounts, loans, and so on. What do you have to help me track my money?
Abbott:	Money.
Costello:	That's right... What do you have?
Abbott:	Money.
Costello:	I need money to track my money?
Abbott:	Money.
Costello:	Money comes bundled with my computer?
Abbott:	Exactly. No extra charge.
Costello:	I get a bundle of money with my computer at no extra charge? How much money do I get?
Abbott:	Just one copy.
Costello:	I get a copy of money. Isn't that illegal?
Abbott:	No. We have a license from Microsoft to make copies of Money.
Costello:	Microsoft can license you to make money?
Abbott:	Why not? They own it.
Costello:	Well, it's great that I'm going to get free money, but I'll still need to track it. Do you have anything for managing your money?
Abbott:	Managing Your Money? That program disappeared years ago.
Costello:	Well, what do you sell in its place?
Abbott:	Money.
Costello:	You sell money?
Abbott:	Of course. But if you buy a computer from us, you get it for free.
Costello:	That's all very wonderful, but I'll be running a business. Do you have any software for, you know, accounting?
Abbott:	Simply Accounting.
Costello:	Probably, but it might get a little complicated.
Abbott:	If you don't want Simply Accounting, you might try M.Y.O.B.
Costello:	M.Y.O.B.? What does that stand for?
Abbott:	Mind Your Own Business.
Costello:	I beg your pardon?
Abbott:	No, that would be I.B.Y.P. I said M.Y.O.B.
Costello:	Look, I just need to do some accounting for my home business. You know-accounting? You do it with money.
Abbott:	Of course you can do accounting with Money. But you may need more.
Costello:	More money?
Abbott:	More than Money. Money can't do everything.
Costello:	I don't need a sermon! Okay, let's forget about money for the moment. I'm worried that my computer might...what's the word? Crash. And if my computer crashes, what can I use to restore my data?
Abbott:	GoBack.
Costello:	Okay. I'm worried about my computer smashing and I need something to restore my data. What do you recommend?
Abbott:	GoBack.
Costello:	How many times do I have to repeat myself?
Abbott:	I've never asked you to repeat yourself. All I said was GoBack.
Costello:	How can I go back if I haven't even been anywhere? Okay, I'll go back. What do I need to write a proposal?
Abbott:	Word.
Costello:	But I'll need lots of words to write a proposal.
Abbott:	No, you only need one Word - the Word in Office for Windows.
Costello:	But there's three words in... Oh, never mind. *click*
Abbott:	Hello? Hello? Customers! Why do they always hang up on me? Oh, well.

Sunday Summary (and Friday, and Saturday...)

Today was wonderful. My church, Providence, celebrated 10 Years of Grace. The years have truly been full of providential grace.

I spent 7.7 hours at church today. Well, I came home for a few minutes to bake ziti. Other than that, I set up sound, put Niara to sleep (Iysha's 8-month-old niece), sang, prayed, ate, laughed, made plans, cried, laughed more, ate a little more, etc.

Today was everything I could ask for. One of my friends had said, "I hear you born-again Christians party pretty hard," and he was right. We don't need to pretend that no one's watching while we're singing, 'cos we know that everyone else is (or should be) worshipping too. We eat like no one's business, and we have the talent to create food worth eating. We laugh out loud and love making others laugh.

There were quite a few people there who aren't regular attenders, and their presence was such a blessing. Rachel, the Mordens, the Grovers...a lot of other people...the Praters weren't there, but I'm sure they had a good reason.

Evanescent

"I'm a beep; I'm a vapor!" declares my least-favorite-but-still-poignant song by the band, Skillet. I can't help but tie that phrase to one of my favorite Evanescence songs, Imaginary.

Provided By MetroLyrics

What is reality? Why is it important? Will it change? Must I conform to it? Is it merely a social convention?

Guess what I am thinking about! My future! What else? :-) It's amazing how fluid my future always seems to be. I have no long-term commitments to places or things; no husband, no children, no job...I suppose I'd be concerned for my cats or my fencing team if I left the area. Not that they need me...

I've been researching school. I'm pretty much done with my current college: What next? Industrial Design (a B.S. program) at the Art Institute sounds like mild fun. What would be more fun? Going to Namibia. Why don't I do that? I feel like I need to have a job and live a normal life...but my parents told me today at dinner that they want what will make me happy. Why can't I make myself do what I want to do? Art school was one of those dreams that, at one point, I considered to be so amazingly ridiculous that I didn't even try it. Will I constantly be afraid of society? Money is necessary, of course, but God has repeatedly shown me that I need not fear a barren, moniless future. He has constantly shown me the way and supported me with beautiful words and friends and family. I need to kill the suburban dream that I've been striving for and yet resenting for years.

I don't have a dream or a goal. I have merely one desire: To serve my King. It's amazing how he brings me to tears so often in this passion for his glory. It's amazing how comforting he is when I am trying to serve him! And yet roles are reversed! It's amazing. God is amazing. My amazing triune God, accept my worship! Bask in my shouts! Treasure my tears! I swear fealty to you only.

Imaginary seems to describe my impatience with the suburban dream: I no longer want to get a reasonably interesting job, get married, have children, quit my job, educate the children, send them to college, maybe get a part-time job, retire with my husband, and move to Florida at the end of our lives. Naww, I'm interested in much different things. I hate being tied to money. If I can handle it responsibly, why should I care how much I have? I want to experience God by glorifying him! If marriage is part of that, great! I'm so looking forward to my wedding day. Are children involved? Wonderful! I've been preparing for motherhood since I was a child, and would embrace that role as a mission field. I don't want to be detached from the world, but I refuse to be tied to it.

"It's happened just like this a hundred times
Or more
Coming to this place again
Running circles, I know I've been here before

And in the darkness, thinking
What else do I have left to be?
I think that I'm going nowhere
I think that I'M GOING NOWHERE!

And this my plea!
My confession is--I'm wasting away
And I need You
I realize right now that I'm wasting away, and
I need you

screams of life and deeper calling..."
(My Plea by Pure Boss)

It's interesting that I feel like this when I'm stressed out. Maybe after my crazy week is over I'll feel like school is fun again and Namibia will seem distant and hazy. Maybe. Maybe...

Spektor

I heard this song today on the radio. I really liked it...but after reading the lyrics, I think I initially misunderstood the song. But I still like the melody :-)

Provided By MetroLyrics

Challenging women

Rarely do I browse through the Desiring God ministry's blog, but today I did and happened upon an article titled "A Challenge To Women" by John Piper. I thought this might be beneficial, so I read it while listening to a message by John Piper. I really liked how point # 6 encouraged women to be deep thinkers of theology and understand God's grace, point # 7 encouraged us to capture every moment for God's work, and point # 13 advocated a "wartime mentality." :-) I disagreed with some points, although Jon corrected me for disliking point # 3 by quoting 1 Peter 2:12.

However, as I got farther down the list, it seemed to be rather paternalistic. Point # 11 gets under my skin-it's not expressly written for mothers, but it seems to be applied specifically for child-rearing women. Should I consider this, then? Because, frankly, when looking at the lady in Proverbs 31, having a job can be anything but deleterious. Also, when Piper wrote the extensive list of ministries that a woman can participate in, I was slightly miffed. Round-a-bout the "Sports ministries" listing, however, I realized that most of these were areas that anyone (regardless of sex) could participate in. I also realized that many of them could be paying jobs within the government. Which brings up another question.

Couldn't I work in an organization like the government, fulfill their secular requirements, and still be working for God? I'm thinking specifically of my signing skills and the contact with the Deaf community that I hope to have some day. Theoretically, yes. However, when I look closer at such a situation, I doubt it. The role I want to play as God's ambassador while fulfilling someone's physical need should be a ministry through the church, not the government. I often get upset when I see the government picking up the church's slack in ministry, and doing a horrible job at it. So, I've come to the conclusion that a job may pay the bills and still be a ministry while fulfilling secular requirements, but the minute God blesses me with a provider (read: husband), I must invest in volunteering my skills and time--perhaps in the same capacity, but with financial freedom.

This list is not paternalistic. Nor does it seem to condemn my current situation or future goals. It is most certainly written by a human, and not the Word of God, ergo it is fallible. It did challenge my motivations, however, and that is hardly a bad thing. Much thanks to John Piper for stimulating my mind once again!

In other news, Goldilox by King's X (an '80's Christian band) has become my anthem of the past weeks.

Blogger Beta

Welcome to the new "woody elf home of elfness," as a friend calls this place. I've converted to Blogger Beta, and really like the GUI html programming for ignorant users like me. I can do sweet programming and barely even know how to write html for italic type!

Jake

I call my computer Jake for a lot of reasons. But he's been acting weird lately. I've had him for almost 2 years now, and today a bunch of programs went BONKERS and my address book is completely erased and I'm really confused. What else is gone? Did I get hit by a hacker? How am I going to get all that info back? Should I start re-entering what I know, or leave it alone until I can call tech support? Auuuughrwawaferrewwyeeeagh.

This is more stressful than I anticipated. I've had absolute trust in this computer for a long time...now what?


If I've ever had your contact information and you're randomly zipping by this page...could you e-mail me? Thanks :-P

Big Brother

Last Friday I went to a wedding of a dear friend that I know through the fencing team. Though I know she had anticipated otherwise, she and her husband had a traditional Catholic wedding ceremony. The last such ceremony I remember attending is my uncle's wedding when I was about 8 years old. So I had no idea what was going on. It was good, however, and I enjoyed it. This post is basically so I can brag about my older brother.

I didn't want to go alone. Who wants to go alone to a wedding? Robin asked me to invite a "guest," and I felt too awkward to ask any of the single guys I know. Except for Mike. He agreed to go with me. We were a bit late (sorry, Mike...I should have given more warning), but we rode in his sweet Barneymobile and didn't get lost. During the ceremony we traded snickers and glances as things happened that we didn't know about...when are we supposed to kneel? To stand? What do we sing? Ironically, I knew the Latin responses to Mass, and almost said them.

After the ceremony we decided to follow someone to the reception. After going FAR AWAY from where we knew we were generally supposed to head, we figured that the person we were following wasn't actually going to the reception! Heh. So we got there an hour after leaving the church (the wedding party beat us there!). Mike was a trooper. We arrived, and he brought me drinks and seemed interested in meeting my friends. We sat at a table full of fencers (all of whom I knew and he didn't know many), and random people would come and say hi to Chris. Kim would hang out, which was cool. She and I danced West Coast swing, trading the lead parts, for one song.

Mike and I gorged ourselves on cookies (a tradition in these parts, I'm told) and conversed with Chris' wife. I've never been able to talk to her for an extended period of time until then, so I learned a lot about her. I think we were the first ones to leave. But that's OK. I think he was as disinterested in getting drunk as I was. Plus, neither one of us knew what to do about the tip jar at the bar...so we ignored the bar :-)

Thank you, Mike! Regardless of what Kayte says about dancing with me, I still think you get "Brother of the Year" award. At least in the "Oldest Brother" category :-D

AUDIO ADRENALINE

OK, guys...whoever reads this page...anyone? :-)

The band Audio Adrenaline has had a large impact on me, both musically and spiritually. Their song "Big House" was the first christian rock song I can ever remember hearing (yes, before Petra...though I was a Petra fan first).

Guess what? THEY'RE ON A FAREWELL TOUR! They're breaking up! I'm so sad! But I also want to go to a concert REALLY, really bad. Bad enough to spend a good chunk of $$ on it. They'll be in a lot of cities around mine, but not mine itself. Check out the tour schedule. Does anyone want to go with me? Simply out of pity? Pleeeeeeaase?

God is not a learner!

During worship I had these thoughts: God is not a learner! There is nothing he doesn't know. Ergo, there's nothing I can hide from him or sin that I can ignore...because he can't! This is both sobering and ridiculously freeing. Bondage to sin? Why? Fear of confessing sin is (like most things I do) absolutely ridiculous because God already knows it. He wants my confession, but he already has the knowledge.

Today's sermon was about the Trinity. Did you know that the word "trinity" can't be found in the Bible? I thought that was interesting. It's such a vital part to my doctrine...but I guess it's a human term applied to a divine concept that none of us can comprehend, so it'll have to do. Unless we want to use a name of Ent-ish proportions that would take 5 minutes just to pronounce. Our Assistant Pastor, Joel, taught on 2 Corinthians 13:14, and here are my notes.

• How does the Bible reveal the Trinity?
  
• Through relationships:
• Father
• Son
• Holy Spirit
• These all remind us of the kind of relationships we have with God

1. There is only ONE true God
2. This one true God exists as 3 distinct persons
1. God the Father
2. God the Son (Jesus Christ)
   
3. God the Holy Spirit
3. Each of these persons is fully divine

• Grace, love, and fellowship-these are the relationships that exist in the Trinity (from the verbs in the verse referenced earlier)
• God is Love
• Christ is Grace
• Holy Spirit is fellowship
  
• All of these words are relational! The Trinity exists in perfect harmony-it has perfect relationships.
• What kind of words do I use to describe the Trinity? I don't know. I never really tried to describe it...I just shook my head in human bewilderment.
• Receive the Trinity's gracious invitation
• The Gospel is the only invitation we'll get to be part of this relationship.
• How can this happen? Christ's forgiveness.
• Marvel at the astounding cost of the invitation! Not just the redemption, but the love that initiated it and the fellowship that comes with it

Here's a thought I just had...would it be more accurate to refer to God as "them?" The term "God" refers to a triune being, right? So the correct pronoun to use would be "them." What do you all think?

I wish I knew ancient Hebrew! I wish I could read the Psalms in their original language! Better yet...I'm excited for heaven. Time upon endless time no longer exists: I will be able to do what I want without being concerned with time!

Another thought: I realize now that I do see a three-fold relationship with God. They are my lover, my master, and my friend. It would be wrong to emphasize one relationship over the other, but they will play different and changing roles in the seasons of my life.

The Gospel

Yeah...it's the Rebelution again. I found this video on their website, and despite the fact that I KNOW all of you can find it at www.therebelution.com, I wanted to reference it here for the sake of posterity. I loved this video.

Love

"It is better to have loved and lost, than to have never loved at all." ~~ Saint Augustine (or was it Lord Tennyson?)

Yes, my mind is on this topic again. What is love? I have given and received much of what I might call love, but not everyone thinks so. And, can I really classify what I'm giving or feeling as "love," or is it a selfish wish for reciprocation? Christ's crucifixion is the ultimate love story, of course, but is the rest of Christ's life an example of love? 'Cos dying to oneself doesn't seem to be the sole purpose of "love."


Fall leaf Originally uploaded by dotlyc.
Today the temperature felt significantly colder, and the leaves are starting to lose their chlorophyll. It's gorgeous, and the chilliness feels wonderful. I want to go pick apples as soon as this cold dries up. But for now, a wood fire would feel delicious. And a mug of apple cider. I wonder if we'll carve pumpkins this year.

Mute Math

Anyone heard of 'em? I really liked Earthsuit...but these guys aren't too bad :-P They are having concerts in Columbus and Cincinatti on Nov. 10th and Oct. 31, respectively, for $12/ticket. Would anyone be interested in going? I'd like to, but not alone.

Why do I like them? They don't always use that typical 4/4 rock beat that almost every other rock song consists of. They mix ambient electronic sounds with sweet guitars, good drums, and a voice that's not too terrible-somewhat like Coldplay, but with more distortion and a faster beat. Their concert videos look like people have a TON of fun, too, which always is a plus. Their lyrics aren't hugely inspiring or whatever, but they aren't emo-angsty or preachy (and my sick mind may not be thinking straight either).

My life

It's way too late to be writing, but inspiration struck and I'm sick anyway. So here I am, online when I shouldn't be.

I was browsing through The Rebelution, and came upon this post. So then I asked myself:
"Self, what would be the hardest thing for me to do?"
"Well, Self, since I already conquered Europe this summer, then quitting school would be really hard for me to do."
"And why in the world would I quit school, Self? Is this some sort of secret dream of mine?"
"Well, yes and no. Here are my reasons:

• School seems unfulfilling. I'm doing absolutely nothing to benefit the world, and though I can see how my current plan of action might be preparation to benefit somebody, I feel the need to do something NOW. I think this feeling is from God. It's not a selfish desire to get out of responsibility to party, it's a desire to see where the gospel isn't, and bring it there. College seems to just delay my availability for such work.
  
• Working regularly this summer made me realize that, though it can be REALLY boring and unfulfilling, God may be using a job as a tool, not as an ends in itself. I could be making tons of money right now that I could invest in God's kindom. What am I earning at college? A diploma? I mean, that's nice, and I know I might be able to get a higher-paying job with a diploma, but do I need a college diploma to get down & dirty in my work for the gospel? If God wants me to, I could go from one transient job to another, and be able to devote 100% of my time to the Gospel in between jobs.
• I started college with everything and then some paid for. I've not been able to keep my GPA high enough to retain all of the scholarship money, though I have the opportunity to earn it back. So this year of school will mostly be coming from my own pocket. It would, from a financial point of view, be advantageous to use this semester as the time that I earn back my scholarship, take off next semester, and have the next four semesters paid for.
  
• College is a bureaucracy! And I hate that! Some of me wants to quit just to show college that I don't care about their precious pieces of paper (i.e. diplomas). But, at my college, 1 student out of 15,000+ won't make a difference. Also, now that I'm part of the linguistics department, I realize that some professors actually want their students to succeed in their own way. They don't need me to conform to their learning and success patterns, because they'll conform to mine. What a nice change this is. "

"Ok, Self, here are my responses to that:

• Good! I know I have ideas for such work in my head. Most involve traveling away from Pittsburgh; perhaps I should look around for some opportunities at home. But I've thought quite seriously about Namibia, and now I'm curious about going back to Spain, and there's also coaching. During this semester I'll keep looking into these things and see where God leads me.
  
• To what, exactly, is God calling me? I don't want to limit God at all...but could I fully support a husband and children while running around doing odd jobs and evangelizing? Or would my husband and children be my field of work? Because, even then, the opportunity to find a husband might not present itself if I'm constantly on the move. I might want to consider this a bit more seriously. Does God really want me in a marriage? Sometimes I wonder how I could be tied down to such a responsibility for the rest of my life, but at other times I wonder how I could survive without fulfilling that God-given need for human companionship and children.
  
• Good point. I don't know who wouldn't agree with this strategy if only money is concerned.
• This smacks of pride, to be completely blunt. I wouldn't give this aspect any consideration at all when weighing pros and cons. But I think I know that already :-P"

So, there you have it, folks. My grand plan for the next few months is...undetermined! Thank God for the grace that allows me to hold my future lightly and still be confident that nothing but goodness awaits me.

GERMS

...they're out to take over your systems!! They're trying to get mine...but I've got a full-on counterattack going. Throbbing sinuses and drippy noses do not make for happy students, however. And I thought I had just gotten over being sick!

I'm recovering with dance movies and classical music. I'll let you know if they work :-P

Nine-Eleven Essay

Today the flag that hangs from our dining room flapped above the windowsill. Those colors reminded me of September 11, 2001. As a child I often wished I lived during a momentous time, a time that my children and their children's children would remember and ask me about. On that day, I realized I was living history.

I was in tenth grade, aged sixteen. That semester I volunteered as an Office Helper in the Principal's Office, doing simple things like delivering and sorting mail, and eating the secretary's candy. It was a Tuesday, and I was excited about my latest ceramic piece. As I walked toward the office, I could see through the window that the entire staff was watching the doorframe. Curious, I went in and turned around to see. The TV hung innocently above the door, projecting images that will never leave me. A skyscraper was billowing smoke and flame. Next to it stood its sympathetic, unblemished twin scraper.

I watched silently with the rest of the staff, not sure what was happening or why it was so significant that it would pull a man like Dave Helinski away from his duties for so long. "What a sad accident!" was one of the first phrases that came to mind. The TV announcers, for once completely out of the camera's view, sounded stunned and spoke little. I learned that the skyscrapers were in New York City, and they had just started to broadcast the incident. No one knew much, so the announcers would repeat themselves and repeat footage quite often.

I sat down and pulled out a notebook, still feeling unaffected and distant from the scene. I glanced again at the TV just in time to see another plane, this one deliberately attacking the other skyscraper. Now I was shocked. Surely there were people in there who would die! Why would a pilot do such a thing? The bell interrupted my thoughts and I senselessly moved to my next class. There I sat, passive, absorbing nothing of the class.

I arrived home to see the TV screen repeating the plane's impact and the dust billowing. I learned that the Pentagon had been attacked, and a plane had hit the ground a few miles away from where I lived. Then came the collapse of the twin towers.

At the time, I felt very little emotion. I was stunned of course, but neither angry nor excited. A bit sad, perhaps, but I still had a life to live. Five years later, as I view the images for the first time since, I feel a terrible, deep, bitter sadness that I doubt will ever leave me. Anger pushes underneath the sadness. Consternation blinks away tears. I do not understand, but I react. I must. My country has changed so much in that time.

I could never watch any of the movies produced about the events of September Eleventh. The memories are too raw to be rubbed again. The songs and the pictures are enough to make my eyes smart. The stories published since then of the people who died helped me realize how personal mass destruction is, regardless of how emotionally or geographically close to it I am. I've learned so much in that time.

Maybe some day my grandchildren will tell me hypotheses that someone in the United States knew about the attacks and ignored the threat, or perhaps even encouraged it. How will I respond? When I suggested to my grandparents that President Roosevelt knew that Pearl Harbor would be attacked on December 5, 1941, they both rebuffed me harshly. Now I understand why. I have my own national disaster to remember and protect.

It's interesting how real history becomes when one realizes the significance of their own personal contact with it. And how current events become sharper, more poignant, and real. How sad is Darfur? It's not cold, and faraway, and dreamy any more. It's real and painful. Just like September Eleventh.

How many of them know the gospel? How many can hope through their pain? Why don't they know? I must share! They must know! How can I not tell them?

YouTube

Ok, I recently discovered YouTube. A lot of what's up there is junk, of course, but it can be a handy resource. While searching for videos of modern ballet (see what I mean about resources?), I happened upon a link to "Superman: How it should have ended." It is hilariously clean fun. These peoples' comics are pretty good, too. Next time you want to waste 10 minutes for a good laugh, watch it!

Facebook

OK, just like most people who use Facebook to network, I hate those Mini Feeds that describes your every action and broadcasts it to the rest of your social circle. It's only aggravated my problem with Facebook, though, so I've taken steps to see what I'm doing that isn't glorifying God and what I might do to change that.

At 1 Single Day (a retreat I went to this past weekend), I learned a lot about God. The theme verse was Isaiah 66:2, and it really made me wonder. Am I really humble and contrite in spirit, and trembling at the word of God? Also, I stumbled upon some verses that I want to become a theme in my immediate future: Psalm 42. Especially the first two verses. That conference made me really ask "when shall I come and appear before God?" I was so excited to wake up the next morning and read the Bible! I know God is constantly with me, of course, but I've gained a passion for actually "spending time" with God (who I now honestly believe is within my Bible), instead of the lukewarm moments I might spend on the trolley meditating on some mundane aspect of my life.

Later I realized how much Facebook has become a substitute for real socialization. It also makes me feel lonely, and left out...and leaves some sort of gaping hole in my heart where there wasn't one before I signed on. This is weird. It makes me think of addiction, and I HATE that. Utterly. So I'm not breaking ties with Facebook, but don't expect me to jump on when you leave a comment on my wall. Comment on my blog or e-mail me...or call! I'd much prefer a phone call to a facebook comment.

How do these two tie together? This blog is basically a public description of my mind and soul, so I try to think about what goes on this page and make it a true reflection of me. On Facebook, I'm merely competing for popularity (which I've never done before so seriously). I've noticed that, as my involvement in Facebook rises, my blog is declining, and since I value the process of thinking, I'm going to invest more in my blog. Perhaps my Sunday Summaries shall return (I have quite a few that never made it on this page). Perhaps I will describe events in my life so that posterity might enjoy them, rather than sticking a 1-liner up on my Facebook profile. Perhaps instead of updating my "status," I'll be able to think through my circumstances and discern God's will for my life better.

I really like blogging. It can get fanatic, yes, and I do check my friends' blogs quite often, but if you're going to socialize on the internet this is a much more personal and deep way to do so than Facebook or MySpace (Xanga doesn't count. I consider it a "true" blog, though still cluttered).

...speaking of critical thinking, here's some criticism to offer to the Facebook people: Don't change too much at once. Those notes were a bit strange, but I was thinking of feeding my blog through Facebook. Then the Mini Feeds came too quickly after that, and I didn't have enough time to adjust to the notes before adjusting to the Mini Feeds. So next time, change one thing and let it cook. Then change more. Be patient.