08 October, 2006


"I'm a beep; I'm a vapor!" declares my least-favorite-but-still-poignant song by the band, Skillet. I can't help but tie that phrase to one of my favorite Evanescence songs, Imaginary.

What is reality? Why is it important? Will it change? Must I conform to it? Is it merely a social convention?

Guess what I am thinking about! My future! What else? :-) It's amazing how fluid my future always seems to be. I have no long-term commitments to places or things; no husband, no children, no job...I suppose I'd be concerned for my cats or my fencing team if I left the area. Not that they need me...

I've been researching school. I'm pretty much done with my current college: What next? Industrial Design (a B.S. program) at the Art Institute sounds like mild fun. What would be more fun? Going to Namibia. Why don't I do that? I feel like I need to have a job and live a normal life...but my parents told me today at dinner that they want what will make me happy. Why can't I make myself do what I want to do? Art school was one of those dreams that, at one point, I considered to be so amazingly ridiculous that I didn't even try it. Will I constantly be afraid of society? Money is necessary, of course, but God has repeatedly shown me that I need not fear a barren, moniless future. He has constantly shown me the way and supported me with beautiful words and friends and family. I need to kill the suburban dream that I've been striving for and yet resenting for years.

I don't have a dream or a goal. I have merely one desire: To serve my King. It's amazing how he brings me to tears so often in this passion for his glory. It's amazing how comforting he is when I am trying to serve him! And yet roles are reversed! It's amazing. God is amazing. My amazing triune God, accept my worship! Bask in my shouts! Treasure my tears! I swear fealty to you only.

Imaginary seems to describe my impatience with the suburban dream: I no longer want to get a reasonably interesting job, get married, have children, quit my job, educate the children, send them to college, maybe get a part-time job, retire with my husband, and move to Florida at the end of our lives. Naww, I'm interested in much different things. I hate being tied to money. If I can handle it responsibly, why should I care how much I have? I want to experience God by glorifying him! If marriage is part of that, great! I'm so looking forward to my wedding day. Are children involved? Wonderful! I've been preparing for motherhood since I was a child, and would embrace that role as a mission field. I don't want to be detached from the world, but I refuse to be tied to it.

"It's happened just like this a hundred times
Or more
Coming to this place again
Running circles, I know I've been here before

And in the darkness, thinking
What else do I have left to be?
I think that I'm going nowhere
I think that I'M GOING NOWHERE!

And this my plea!
My confession is--I'm wasting away
And I need You
I realize right now that I'm wasting away, and
I need you

screams of life and deeper calling..."
(My Plea by Pure Boss)

It's interesting that I feel like this when I'm stressed out. Maybe after my crazy week is over I'll feel like school is fun again and Namibia will seem distant and hazy. Maybe. Maybe...


Clear Ambassador said...

Dang! I was like, those lyrics sound familiar...wait, that's Stephen's voice singing them in my head! Dat's cool that they fit your thoughts.

Thanks again for liking my and Pure Boss's music! It is seriously the nicest and most amazing thing for a musician to have someone embrace a song of theirs, so thank you.

Maybe they're jealous that they're not Pure Boss... :-)


hm - that one doesn't need an acronym. Just say it! B'machoo, man!

Laedelas Greenleaf said...

I actually forgot what band that song came with...though I could sing every word except for the killer last line. "screams of life and deeper calling..." -how poetic! I can't wait to hear your "wall" song-the lyrics are good even without music.

PS-for some word verifications, I've started leaving definitions instead of acronyms. Some are just so cool.

Karl's Caramels Zonk Mushu's Zebras