Affairs

I used to consider myself as "married, just waiting for the right man." In other words, I didn't want to get physically involved with anyone because I had an uptight--I mean, upright--understanding of marriage that it lasted forever, and considering that "forever" has no end or beginning, I tried to live in a way that wouldn't make a theoretical husband jealous. This mostly had to do with physical relations with guys, and mostly served as a standard for physical purity.

But recently I started thinking about this more, and followed the idea to a more complete conclusion. If I really was married, then I've had tons of emotional affairs with men that could be just as harmful to a marriage as physical infidelity. And I'm not sure how I'd go about pursuing a man with the intent of marriage without having such an "emotional affair."

The ideal sort of courtship for me would be to sit down and hash out all the details of personality, life, plans, etc and then just getting hitched. But that leaves out a lot. I'm learning that I don't (and can't) fully communicate who I am through words. I don't communicate well through talk; I prefer dance and sculpture. Not sure how a relationship could be communicated through sculpture...interesting thought, but rather impractical. Regardless, there are ways to learn how people act and react in ways that can't be communicated through language. So there's more to relationships than talking.

BUT take into account that I follow Christ. As tempting as it is, I don't want romance to be a primary thought. I want to pursue God wholeheartedly, which is somewhat hard to do when pursuing men. SOOoooooOOO this means I'm giving up marriage & family, right? Eh, not really. Just saying that, if God really has called me to marriage & family, he'll make it abundantly clear that I'm supposed to go there. I do not want to treat my husband as Christ; I think a lot of wives make the mistake of expecting their husbands to be Christ to them, and I've yet to meet an infallible man other than Christ. I will marry Christ, when this world has ended, but if I should marry one here, I can't expect that of him.

(originally written 2/5/11)

What Are You Doing With Your Insomnia?

I've been a fan of Owl City for a while, and love knowing that Adam Young also suffers from insomnia. He, like me, finds some relief from sleeping in moving vehicles, but generally hasn't found answers from medicine. Today, while enjoying the song The Saltwater Room, I reflected on how Adam has used his insomnia to create beautiful things that bless others. What am I doing with my insomnia? I'm challenged to create rather than consume. How can I redeem my late-night sleeplessness? What can I do that will glorify God and bless others?

Then John Piper's famous blog post about redeeming cancer came to mind. So, like everyone else on the internet, I'm rewriting that list to reflect one of my biggest struggles. This list is still a draft, so feel free to add ideas!

1. You will waste your insomnia if you do not believe it is designed for you by God. II Corinthians 3:18
2. You will waste your insomnia if you believe it is a curse and not a gift. James 1:5, James 4:6
3. You will waste your insomnia if you seek comfort from coping mechanisms rather than from God. Matthew 11:28-30
4. You will waste your insomnia if you refuse to think about the worst. God's grace is sufficient! II Corinthians 12:9
5. You will waste your insomnia if you think that "beating" insomnia means sleeping regularly rather than cherishing Christ.
6. You will waste your insomnia if you spend too much time thinking about sleep and not enough time thinking about God.
7. You will waste your insomnia if you let it drive you into solitude instead of deepening your relationships and making your love for others obvious.
8. You will waste your insomnia if you are hopeless. Hope is not found in a cure, but in the Son of God.
9. You will waste your insomnia if you treat sin as casually as before. Don't shift the blame from your self to your insomnia!
10. You will waste your insomnia if you don't use it to witness to the truth and glory of Christ.

Remember you are not left alone. You will have the help you need. “My God will supply every need of yours according to his riches in glory in Christ Jesus” (Philippians 4:19).~John Piper

Radio Love

A radio announcer told me that I'd experience 22 kisses, dump 5 people, be dumped 4 times, and be cheated on 4 times before I'd find "true" love. (If you want a link, here's even more info from the same survey.) Right after that, I heard the song "Just The Way You Are" by Bruno Mars. It wasn't on purpose; I was scrolling through radio stations to reach my favorite indie station. Really! :-P

Anyway, this got me thinking about the definition of "true" love, and why people bother settling for anything less. I believe it is possible to truly love someone without being a "perfect match" for them, but I also believe there really aren't any perfect matches in that we're still human and hurt each other all the time. I don't think I'll ever find someone who agrees with me on everything, because I don't agree with myself on everything. Also, such a relationship would get stagnant before the third date, and what's the fun in that?

Humans need love. We go to great lengths to find it, or pretend we have it, when in reality we're incapable of loving the way we need to be loved. I am certainly affected by those around me, but I hope I never tie my hopes and dreams to another human. They belong to God.

Love Hopes All Things

This weekend, I talked to my mom (again) about The Situation I'm currently in. She was supportive of my wild-eyed goal, and pointed out the obvious: I'm in a spiritual battle. Thinking about that last night, I laid claim on Mr. J's soul, by the authority of Christ, and demanded that Satan no longer use him as a tool of destruction. I felt odd asking for this of God, but I sensed an urgent YES and so prayed as I thought appropriate. It was freeing.

This afternoon, I read an article by my second-favorite preacher John Piper which enticed tears and laughter from my soul. "This is the love I have for Mr. J," the Voice said. "Only I am capable of this love, though I delight to show that love to and through you as well."

Spirit, you are giving me an opportunity for patient love. Please, give me the grace to grow in patience, that I may make the most of this opportunity.

Spinning Plates and Burdens

A friend of mine just blogged about God's grace. It was a bittersweet reminder that he is more than a safety net. He holds me together on a submolecular level. And yet, it was a twisting knife in my side. "Don't spin plates," they say. "Don't do God's job for him--that's pride. " And yet, when I'm faced with the worst temptation yet, and choices too big for my maturity level, they say "well, duh, that's wrong. Don't sin." Or, at best, "I'm sorry, but yeah...don't sin."

I'm too sensitive to this issue. But it's hard to be insensitive when one walks on the blade of a long, narrow sword, and the calluses just aren't there yet.

My solution? It's the same as Christa's. Live in God's grace. Honestly, it's hard to see temptation when God's love is taking all my attention. It is a sweet, sweet release.

P.S. Thank you for your prayers. God is quick to answer. Praise to the Almighty One!

On All Sides, A Net

Sin waits to ensnare me. Everywhere I turn, it lurks in shadows or jumps into the light or comes from behind to twine around my heart and drag it to the depths of depravity. If I turn from lust, self-righteousness gloats. If I turn from legalism, I lose self-control. If I seek my own interests, I fail in my mission to glorify God. If I seek to benefit others, I ignore the commandments of Scripture. If I act other than how I feel, I deceive those around me and proclaim a false gospel. If I work hard, I do not rest in grace.

What shall we say then? Are we to continue in sin that grace may abound? By no means! How can we who died to sin still live in it? Do you not know that all of us who have been baptized into Christ Jesus were baptized into his death? We were buried therefore with him by baptism into death, in order that, just as Christ was raised from the dead by the glory of the Father, we too might walk in newness of life.

For if we have been united with him in a death like his, we shall certainly be united with him in a resurrection like his. We know that our old self was crucified with him in order that the body of sin might be brought to nothing, so that we would no longer be enslaved to sin. For one who has died has been set free from sin. Now if we have died with Christ, we believe that we will also live with him. We know that Christ, being raised from the dead, will never die again; death no longer has dominion over him. For the death he died he died to sin, once for all, but the life he lives he lives to God. So you also must consider yourselves dead to sin and alive to God in Christ Jesus.

Let not sin therefore reign in your mortal body, to make you obey its passions. Do not present your members to sin as instruments for unrighteousness, but present yourselves to God as those who have been brought from death to life, and your members to God as instruments for righteousness. For sin will have no dominion over you, since you are not under law but under grace. ~Romans 6:1-15

Shall I choose how to sin in order to avoid other sins? Please, Lord, save me from myself.

The Savior's Protection

So, today God confirmed that he isn't done working with this Stranger-Lover of mine. He was struck by a vehicle while walking home, and suffered serious (though not life-threatening) injuries. I am grateful that God spared his life! His injuries should be much worse than they are, though they certainly aren't trivial.

Lord, your mercy cannot be fathomed. You protect and support the weak. Please continue to protect him - I know you love him more than I, and are willing and able to save his soul. Please, make your love and mercy tangible to his soul in a way that his rational mind cannot explain.

Intimacy

Such was the love of the Son of God to the human nature, that he desired a most near and close union with it, something like the union in the persons of the Trinity, nearer than there can be between any two distinct [beings]. This moved him to make the human become one with him, and himself to be one of mankind that should represent all the rest, for Christ calls us brethren and is one of us. How should [we] be encouraged, when we have such a Mediator! 'Tis one of us that is to plead for us, one that God from love to us has received into his own person from among us. And 'tis so congruous that it should be so, and is also so agreeable to the Scripture, that it much confirms in me the truth of the Christian religion. ~Jonathan Edwards, Miscellanies #183

The Problem With Sin

There are many problems with sin. Obviously, the first and most concerning is that God cannot tolerate it. But on a (much more) smaller note, it's not healthy for me. Allow me to explain.

I've been sinning against God this Summer in questioning his law, his goodness, and his leadership. I wander away, questing after shadows, then the gracious Hand arrests my soul and centers me on Himself again. I've been preferring the world's fruit to God's love. I seek someone else's attention, rather than giving my attention to the One who so clearly deserves it. The first time I realized my error, I repented in tears and meditated much on Scripture that shed light on my path. When it happened again, I remembered the thoughts I had earlier, but didn't seek restitution so enthusiastically. Now, when I realize that I'm sinning this way again, I sigh exasperatedly. My soul has been numbed to the conviction of the Holy Spirit. It's as though there were a scab on my soul, and because it was constantly being picked, a callous developed in its place.

Considering this, I see clearly that, when sin recurs, I must seek repentance doubly hard, to avoid doing so yet a third time. And yet, I see my sin and don't want to put in the effort to change. Really?! Don't want to be reunited with the lover of my soul? How ridiculous! How piteously small-minded!

It seems the only thing that quickens my soul to the Spirit is the thought of my friend's salvation. Lord, change my heart. Purge me of the dross, and put treasures in this earthly vessel of Yours.