Traveling

As I laid in bed tonight, reminiscing John's 22nd birthday party and the wonderful friends that I will miss so badly, I began to worry about my European tour. So many thoughts followed each other in my mind that I cried out to God for peace. Where did he lead me? No other place than Psalm 23. Here follows my prayer tonight as I responded to that message.

The Lord is my shepherd; I shall not want.
I may think I made my European plans, but what do I know? You are providing everything.
He makes me lie down in green pastures.
I may not want to follow it, but your guidance has nothing but good in store for me.
He leads me beside still waters. He restores my soul.
Your peace is constantly flowing in my life, regardless of circumstances. You will eradicate my sin, regardless of what it is.
He leads me in right paths for his name's sake.
Because you want your glory to be proclaimed, you redeems my actions and make me a shining evangelist.
Even though I walk through the valley of deep darkness I will fear no evil,
I may not see your ultimate plan and wisdom, but what is trust? A firm belief in your ability to fulfill your promises.
for you are with me; your rod and your staff, they comfort me.
No one can take our means of communication away. No one can separate us.
You prepare a table before me in the presence of my enemies;
You make it obvious to those who hate me that they can do nothing against me.
you anoint my head with oil; my cup overflows.
What more do I need? Even physical comfort is not beyond your ability, though our relationship is not based on physical things.
Only goodness and mercy (steadfast love) shall follow me all the days of my life,
I have no need to watch my back or hide my trail. You take care of that.
and I shall return to dwell in the house of the Lord forever.
What glory! I WILL live with you, regardless of what happens here and now. Praise you!

WOW long time no post

OK, so...everybody has a cellphone. And my mind has fractured. Again. Quick update:

Alcohol: So I went to Mad Mex and hated margaritas, but the mango/lime drink I had with vodka was really good. My fave so far is tequila, the really woody-tasting kind. John was kind enough to share, so I had a wee taste. The taste lasted for MINUTES!!!

Work: Stressful, but it's my fault for working 12 hours on most days. 3 categories... Secretary job: Still not the most exciting thing--I can't wait until we move. PT tech: Pretty fun, the therapist is starting to talk to me :-P Fencing: like, WHOA! 4 hours of 16 elementary-aged little kids with weapons is STRESSFUL! But we (all) still have fun.

Sleep: Last weekend was crazy. I slept more than 12 hours for 3 days in a row. My general health is way bad considering that I'm constantly running from place to place and not eating and not sleeping during the week and Europe is stressing me out. But as per John's suggestion, I started doing sit-ups in the morning. I hit the snooze button and do sit-ups or leg lifts for 3 minutes until the alarm goes off, and then devotions. Speaking of which...

Spiritual stuff: I have had no huge "revelations" of theology recently. Those are my favorite. However, God's been teaching me about fellowship with believers and non-believers. Also, a lot about love. My Sunday Summary will be up soon, I trust.

Babies: I love them! I visited my best friend (from childhood) on the weekend of July 4th, and held her firstborn for the first time. Amy laughed at my reaction to holding Angela; I looked up and said, "I want one!" "You gotta find a prince first," she said, leaning on Tony. I glared back. I suppose this is how married friends tease single friends. Until my prince speaks up, though, I'll just go crazy over Angela. The sweet thing made me cry! She's so precious, and she's Amy's own flesh and blood! What a miracle! *sniff* Amy is my newest hero :-)

Children: I love them, too! On Sunday our church had its first picnic. People played volleyball almost all day. If they weren't playing volleyball, they were eating or drinking or chasing little kids who had water balloons. My arms do not like volleyball, so I spared them the torment and tossed the friz, played "grassketball" and soccer, got wet, got others wet, and played "pirate ship" on the playground. I was Captain Barbossa at first, but Thomas decided he was captain and I was a pirate princess. Sarah Calvetti put flowers in my braid, which got my hair all sticky, but was really sweet. Mrs. Pierson told me I "looked like the Pied Piper" at the end of the day because I had a horde of children running after me :-)

Violin: Cool! After the picnic I gave Katie Caldwell her first violin lesson, which was probably frustrating to her but I think she'll do really well. Our next lesson will probably be in a month because of my European tour. THEN on Monday Lisa brought over an old violin she inherited from a great-great aunt. She wanted to play, but her violin was out of tune. So I tried tuning it, and then realized the strings were on the wrong pegs...and the bridge was in the wrong place...and the tailpiece was too far forward, etc. So I ended up dismantling all the loose pieces and putting new strings on. (She has bona fide catgut violin strings! I didn't touch that set of strings-they're too valuable :-) ) But because I moved the tailpiece, the wire holding it down refused to stay in place and Lisa ended up without a functional violin. Oh, and I snapped the bridge in the process >{ but there was a spare :-P So now I have a violin student and a wonderful old instrument that needs a wire thingy. Sorry, Lisa! I REALLY hope to fix it before I leave for Europe, and then we can play for real :-D

Europe: If you really want to know, ask me in person or send an e-mail. There's a lot going on. But I'm trying to decide if I should get a new blog for Europe, just post on this one, or get one of those travel-blog thingeys out there. Perhaps I'll just keep it to an e-mail list and post selections of my e-mails to my blog. What do you think?

Local travel: I got my driver's license today. Hopefully I won't be such a burden to others now.

Uhy-yuy-yoi, as my coworker would say. I wonder what life will look like in a week.

Guinness

"It tastes exactly how it smells."
"Oh, you don't like it?"
"I never said I didn't like the smell of beer!" *demure smile*

I went to an Irish Pub (Molly Brannigan's) tonight and had my first beer. Chris insisted that I have Guinness, despite my request for a Killian's Irish Red. Well, he bought the beer, so...I guess it's his choice. "I'm not drinking this if it's bad, you know," I said. "Yes, you are! Drink the whole thing!" Whatever :-P I had Shepherd's Pie along with my Guinness.

For some reason it was good before dinner, terrible during dinner, and then went from mildly repulsive to pretty good after I finished eating. I had about half a glass left and let Nate have it, but my taste buds wanted two more swigs so I indulged them. It would have been better if it were colder, like below 32 degrees Fahrenheit. It was pretty warm after dinner, which is when I started getting thirsty for it.

Nate got a Killian's Irish Red and let me have a sip. This would have been a much better pre-meal beer, and seemed more lively. I still think I'd prefer the Guinness after dinner. Anna got "snakebite" which was fizzy and only slightly alcoholic. That seemed like a fun beer.

I have a slightly annoying headache, which I think is from the alcohol, and I'm not tired at all. This surprised me. I still want to taste red wine and see if that makes me sleepy. Oh, and you notice how my sentences and paragraphs are shorter than usual? I wonder if that means my mind is thinking slower or has a decreased RAM capacity, or something.

I was pretty quiet during dinner, mostly because Chris was talking a lot :-P But I was trying to gauge my body's response to alcohol. I had a few sips, then started swigging just to see if anything would happen. If it was, I didn't notice much. However, when Chris mentioned the Latin in The Once And Future King by T. H. White, I laughed so hard. The book pokes fun at Latin, but you have to know Latin to get the joke. But anyway, it seemed like people were looking at me strangely...was I laughing too hard? Did they think I was drunk? Hehe. Was I?

Chris said he'd come to church if I convinced his wife to come, and he sounded interested in the Church picnic. Isn't that so cool?! Maybe they'll come and I'll invite her to church. As Chris got up to leave, he said, "It was a pleasure meeting you all; I don't know when I'll see you again..." And Domenica jumped right in with, "well, you'll be there Sunday right?" Haha! I hope he does come eventually.

Lisa and Nate and I got ice cream and went for a walk in a large, old graveyard after that. John and Jon called, so I chastized both of them for not being there, even though John was in class and Jon said he was wrestling bears. I'm miffed that *I* didn't get any calls! *tsk* The graveyard was fun, even though I accidentally knocked Lisa over while trying to climb a tree. The bed-shaped headstones aren't very comfortable, by the way. :-P Lisa then dropped me off and we decided she'd get a job around here and move in with me :-) That would be so fun.

So, I had half a Guinness, a few sips of Killian's Irish Red, and a sip of that Snakebite stuff. Not bad for a 21st birthday celebration, eh? I'm curious about mixing drinks now... :-)

My Mind

Yes, that organ is full of odd twists and perilous paths. Today I came up with a brilliant idea: I should have a place for things! Listen, kids, it's bad news when you find an undeposited pay check from MONTHS ago. Ouch. So, I came up with an organization plan. My desk is now clean, and I'd like to keep it as only a temporary cache for random items. Ergo, I'm taking my paychecks and stuffing them in one of my pots by the window as soon as I get them. Once they're cashed/deposited, I'm taking the pay stub and writing down the amount in my check register, then I'm going to write a check with that pay check's tithe amount on it and stick it in my Bible. Then that stub is going into my files. I'm taking all of my Europe stuff (Passport stuff, Eurail pass that I just got in the mail, travel guide, etc) and putting them in a laundry hamper until after the trip. Everything is clearly labeled, so nothing should get lost under my trash can and get destroyed :-P I have no hope for organizing my reading material, so I'm just stacking that on a small table next to my bed for whenever I want to read. How's that sound for a plan? Maybe this'll avoid spending an hour every month fussing over my monthy statement.

Turning 21

If I were gifted in the area of songwriting, I might be plunking on a piano tonight, considering the 21st anniversary of the day of my birth. Since I've never let people hear my songs, I chose to write a blog post instead of a song. The day before I turned 21, I worked for a solid 12 hours at two different jobs, I bought a Youth Eurail pass for my trip to Europe, and scheduled my driver's license test. I reread 1 Timothy 4:14-16 to my sister and talked about Youth Camp and acquaintances in a way that I never would have dreamed of talking with her a few years ago. I'm listening to some a capella hymns in a Southern Gospel style (sing it, bruthas!) as I type on my sweet little Jakey. Airplanes fly overhead, crickets chirp, and Hezz finishes her shower.

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If there were no God, I would not be here. If I had not received God's grace and guidance, I'd be in a deplorable state of mind and body. My soul would be in the depths of sin so deep I dare not think about it fully. However, I now sob for the grace of my Father, sighing at his amazing work. How? Why? Just asking the questions is thrilling enough, and when I live forever with him I will finally start to learn the answers. Oh! Oh! What can I say? Nothing. My chattering mind is silenced before his glory. "Reigning now, the King Eternal! Yes we know the victory!!"

"Aint'a that good news? Good news! I'm so excited, my face can't hide it! My soul's delighted! Hey, hey hey hey! Have you heard the news of Jesus? Ohh, oh yeah!" Exclamation points don't do justice to this emotion. Dancing would probably get me the closest to expressing this. Alas for my weakening, tired body that simply cannot jump or pose.

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At Youth Camp this past weekend, I experienced God's grace in amazing ways. The biggest thing I learned was that my friendships need to be purposeful and selfless. Too often I've been aimless and selfish in how and with whom I seek friendship. I learned this especially with my campers. They may not be the "coolest" ones to hang out with, but boy did they teach me some stuff. I am so grateful God put me in their lives and enabled me to see some of the magnificent change that was and is going on. I had to give up good things to follow God's lead and invest time into relationships, but God has already brought fruit from it and I hope he continues to do so. This helped me realize how stupid I've been with other friends. Even though some of my friendships are steeped in church and service, my side of the relationship has been focused purely on how I can get the greatest social or personal benefit from it. Please, if you see me sinning in this area, let me know. If I have ever offended you because of this, allow me to apologize! God may use it redemptively!

Another cool experience at Youth Camp was seeing the HUGE, huge gap between where I am now and where I might have been if God had not intervened. What a way to appreciate the cross! And then, to look forward to heaven, and to appreciate the resurrection! Worship was so much spicier after that :-)

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As I turn 21, I'm gaining new experiences that are telling. Is there any rhyme or reason between these circumstances...? I coach fencing, and love it. Youth Camp is so much better as a team leader. I'm teaching 15 elementary-aged children how to fence as a summer job. Katie C just asked me on Sunday to teach her to play violin. ...I never saw myself as a teacher. My mom got a degree in Elementary Education, and *tsk* I didn't ever want to be like my mom, gosh! I could see myself in the role of a home schooling mother, but never teaching children that weren't my own. I always hated that a lot of girls who don't know what to do with their professional lives turn to teaching, so teaching was repulsive simply by association. I still can't imagine myself successfully controlling and educating a class full of 30 kids, but it's interesting to watch my life. As I turn 21, it makes me wonder. Does this mean I could enjoy the role of home schooling mother more? Does it mean that physical therapy will be more educational than encouraging with regards to patient psychology? Will I teach Latin to a cool group of high schoolers, as my beloved public school teacher does?

You know what else is cool about this process? I'm happy with letting God do what he wants with it. When I determined to pursue physical therapy, I drew out my own academic path to success, and failed miserably. Thanks to Lisa, I realized that God doesn't need school to carve a beautiful character, and I also realized my own pride in building a castle that never materialized. So now I am content to seize the opportunities he gives me and go no further.

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On Thursday I am tasting my first beer, and I'm surmising that it will be a Killian's Irish Red. Though life right now is full of jobs (3 of them), planning for Europe, worrying about transportation, and attempting to maintain my killer figure (ha, isn't that funny--she thinks she looks good!), I must remember my Savior. Though I didn't attend New Attitude, the conversations afterward affected me greatly and have helped to shift my focus to the point of infinity, drawing everything into perspective and revealing truth. The Truth. May my 21st year of existence be marked by Truth and courage. May God teach me things that will be a foundations of wonderful things to come. If I don't survive this year, then may I be able to use every remaining moment to invest in God's kingdom and bear fruit. I want to see God's smiling face when I reach home.

Ten Years Of Fencing

Tonight my beloved fencing team celebrated 10 years of existence. I've only been a part of this pageant for four years, but I have learned so much from the people involved. I'm planning to learn a lot more. You know, I've gotten lots of advice from people to not let other people stop my dreams, including the gratuitous "Don't let a boyfriend stop you!" Well, as I consider my future and a possible year in Namibia, I wonder about this team. Will I be able to leave them? What will they do without me? They've taken over the role of a boyfriend in my life, and I hope I get much better rewards :-P

After my mother and I arrived, the head coach, Chris, asked me to lead the group in prayer for the food. I blanched. "What?" "You know, like a short prayer or something." I didn't realize that male leadership isn't always as prized as it is in my church. "Uhh, well, why don't you ask a guy? Liam's right there," I say. Liam is Mormon. Chris asks him, and he refuses. "Well, God, here goes an opportunity to serve you!" I reluctantly agree. (On afterthought, I wonder why I suggested Liam. I know his faith is sincere, but it's misguided!) After my prayer, Chris thanks me and said, "You did a much better job than I would have; you're holier than I am." "NO!" I pound the table. "It's by grace alone that we're saved!" Then I glance at his face and just KNOW he's teasing me. And now the whole table is wondering what's going on...oh, dear. Do I explain the Gospel, or...well, they're carrying on without me. I suppose it's all in God's hands, anyway. God, bless those moments and help them to bear fruit!

As I sit in the banquet hall listening to Chris rattle on, I like watching peoples' faces. I am so privileged to have taught the middle schoolers sitting at that table over their, looking bored and full of cake. It's interesting, I've learned so much about that unique age group. That boy, for example, is so smart you can't see him thinking. Before you've finished one sentence about parries, he's on to disengages. This other kid is Mr. Little-Rebel-On-The-Block, and yet the moment I need to exercise authority or lead him in a specific direction, he's quick and eager to respond.

Over there sits my captain of two years and a wonderful friend, looking like she's in High School listening to another of Herr's (Chris') lectures. I still think of her as my team captain, and draw on her leadership as an example of my own coaching. Right in my line of sights sits the current team captain, with whom I'll be working this summer. She and I exchange glances, roll our eyes towards Chris and stifle giggles. With my cheeks suffused, I turn to my left, where current and former coaches sit. They came straight from a French & Indian War reenactment, and look as lovely as ever. We'd just been discussing Barcelona over dinner.

Chris pauses, and I realize it's my turn to hand out the "Coach's Award" to the fencer that year. How honored I feel to walk up to the podium and take a trophy, feeling its cool marble base and smooth metal top. I say a few sentences about the award, successful in my quest for laughter. As I hand over the trophy to its intended recipient and receive her hug, I feel blessed beyond measure.

This year I had determined to make this fencing team my mission field, and to glorify God with all the authority I had as a coach of this team. Though I haven't had any converts yet, I know seeds have been planted and watered, and I can but trust God to finish the good work he's started in the people around me and in myself. I have never obviously and clearly declared my faith to the team, but I hope that my stuttery prayer before the beginning of the meal would clarify my faith to those in attendance.

Akron Is Lovely

Another speechless weekend. In every way. I never knew a simple little road trip to help out at a dance show could be so impacting. The Christmas show was incredibly affirming and encouraging, but this weekend just blew me away, and it wasn't just the dancing.

Jealously was the sin of the weekend, though I wonder how many people noticed I was struggling with it. Jealous of those who trained for worship through dancing, jealousy of relationships, jealousy of others' self-control (doesn't that sound ironic?), jealousy of sounds I can't reproduce, and bitterness for why. Why? God has me here, that's why. I don't like God's plan; it requires shouldering his cross (not mine) and struggling with my own humanity. But, how can I worship him whole-heartedly if my heart is not his? Ah! It's so stupidly obvious.

God used the weekend as a springboard for a ton of work that he's doing and will do. A perfect work that I am confident he will finish. It started off with the ending of work, and my mother slugged through traffic to deliver me to the Behrens homestead. John and I took off some time thereafter, heading toward the setting sun. We arrived in Akron after the dance rehearsal was finished, so we convinced the Murphy girls to go eat. We went to Applebee's for unremarkable food and hilarious conversation. We drove in circles in Craig's car, moshing in the back seat and being pretty much ridiculous. After meeting Steve, we drove to Craig's secret park and went down slides and jumped off of swings. John had fun taunting me by sticking his feet in the path of my swing. I had fun pushing Jen so high I had to grab her ankles and pull down because she was too high to push. THEN we went back to Murphys' and I stayed there.

Morning came at 8:30 with little conversation between Jess and I, but I became entertainment for Mrs. Murphy while she kneaded dough and I sipped raw milk. Raw milk reminds me of whole milk, with some flour added to change the consistency and add some flavor :-) Quite good with homemade whole wheat cinnamon rolls. The gals got all packed for the rehearsal, sighing over their tights again (that always makes me laugh. Stockings in general are hateful, and dance tights that are full of runs and covered with pill-balls are really despicable). I got to mill around and watch them put the finishing touches on a few dances while folding programs for the show. Prayer was awesome as always, and so wonderful I wondered if the tears in my eyes would spill down my cheeks. Mrs. Hoffman has an amazing way of making everyone feel truly special and important, yet still keeping her authority.

I wondered why the dancers seemed to know who I was, and then I found out that she had read my blog to some of the classes!? Wow. That took my breath away. I hope they took what I said to heart. I meant every word, and mean them now.

The actual show was amazing. Mr. Hoffman explained the Jewish tradition of betrothal and marriage, and used that to illustrate how Christ is eagerly preparing a place for us, and how we should be working to please and honor him. The gospel was not reenacted, but rather described. The Christian life was showin in such detail and infused with so much meaning that the gospel would be hard to miss. The boys' dance with the "Jesus" shirts was amazing. Hey, Phillip smiled during that song! I was so glad he enjoyed it. I sure did. At this show, I didn't have a job, so I paid more attention to the actual dancing. The crowning piece, featuring brides and flower girls galore, was a beautiful work of pageantry and a perfect conclusion. I found some modern moves that astonished me, and made me appreciate my modern training a bit more. The song that goes "I go deeeeeper...into your glory" had a way cool modern combination for that line. I had some questions for Jess on Sunday night, learning a few new jumps and getting more ideas.

Somewhere between the dancing we went to church. Singing next to Jess seems rather pointless, so I just signed and enjoyed the sound of her voice. Worship was all about thanks. The sermon was about Jonah and evangelism. The pastor was encouraging us to plunge into people groups that we might not appreciate to spread the gospel. To go along with the jealousy theme, the ending struck me incredibly. Jonah had the privilege of being so close to God, and obviously understood his way more than I do, yet when Ninevah repents and seeks God, he just gets angry and bitter toward God for his mercy. I see my friends interact in ways that I do not have the self-control to, and I'm angry and bitter because God has given them that particular grace. That was frustratingly enlightening, and something I must work on--both the self-control and the jealousy.

Don't get the picture that my friends and I didn't enjoy each other's company--on the contrary, we had some crazy fun times. Dinner at Don Pablo's after Sunday's show was so funny. Christin has the honor of being one of a select few who have ever caused me to regurgitate liquid through my nose. We both were laughing so hard. She was in rare form, and amazing as always :-) John cracked a Homestar Runner joke, which went right over the heads of the Akronites :-P But I missed a few of their cultural references, so I settled with laughing hysterically at their hysterical laughter. The waiter misunderstood my order, but I got food eventually. Whatever I ate (ask John how to pronounce it) was delish, and the left-overs were still good.

After dinner we went to the Hoffman's so John could get his stuff. We tried to take off before the truck got there, but (fortunately, I think) we stayed to help unload. During that time I decided I'd just come live in Akron to complement Jess for the rest of her life, and Mike decided to be her personal bodyguard. What a threesome! Could you imagine us being able to tolerate it for more than a week? I think it'd be a hilariously failed effort :-P

We went to the basement for some music after unloading, and I gave Mrs. Hoffman a back rub. Oh, that singing was so sweet. The guitars and occasional piano sounded good, Jess was stellar, and I felt my voice was up to the task. And then people would say things, prayers and whatnot, that just added a spontaneous depth to the worship that I've rarely felt. It's not a big-conference feel, or even a homespun-Youth-Camp feel, but a group-of-friends-caught-up-in-one-purpose feel, sharing our passion and encouraging one another. The prayer at the end was a perfect wrap. And of course God orchestrated all of it, even the one time I felt satisfied with my voice.

And then the phone call came. That made me realize how foolish I'd been, trying to ignore authority in the hopes that it wouldn't become more restrictive. Ouch. Apologies to my parents for forgetting their wishes and not calling. John and I hit the road around midnight. I couldn't get comfortable in his car, which is unusual but probably a blessing; otherwise I might have fallen asleep. And of COURSE John needed my conversation to keep him awake! I mean, what does he do on the weekends when I'm not around? :-P (Totally sarcastic, that)

John stopped and got Vault, which seemed to help. His conversational cadence picked up :-P I only remember two things we talked about for that whole time. Of course we talked about the dance. I was gauging his purely visceral response to it. I can't see dance from that viewpoint (a decade of training will do that to you), so I appreciated hearing his opinion. We also talked about the difference between CoG culture and PCoP culture for quite a while. Then he dropped me off and texted me at 3:06 AM saying, "I didn't die!" He was even coherent enough for punctuation!

Lisa and I went on a "prayer walk" tonight and included the dancers in our thoughts. I think that night of dance really blessed her, and encouraged her in her own worship even though she doesn't dance. It was so neat to see another friend blessed by this ministry! Thank God she was able to come. And the other Pittsburgh people. And me :-)

Things That Go "Bump" In The Night

Yes, it is almost 5 AM on Thursday. No, I haven't slept since 9:30 this morning. Am I crazy? Yes. But, it's weird--the last few times I've stayed up this late I get shaky and my muscles burn and ache and cramp. Nothing...but I did get a cardio workout, I suppose.

I bought Frank Peretti's Monster earlier today on a whim (and a big discount) at the Family Christian Store. I didn't feel tired at 11, so I lounged in bed, listening to The Fray, a band my brother just put on my iTunes. Not bad, not bad. But THEN I had to notice this huge, juicy Peretti novel, thick and unexplored. Ohhhh boyoboyoboy. I'm listening to The Fray for the 9th time, and haven't really absorbed any of the songs. However, I have been caught up in the story of Beck, Reed, and a family of mutant monsters.

I'm still excited about it. How am I going to face the 10.5 hour work day tomorrow? I don't know, but Peretti is the best storyteller alive. I'm dead serious. :-P Dead theology dudes are all good and well, and I'm not saying Peretti has a stellar theology, but his writing packs a punch that (sorry) Jonathan Edwards just doesn't do for me. Maybe some day, but right now Peretti has absolute control of my emotions. Isn't that scary? But, hey, I'm not scared! My faith has matured so much since I read Piercing the Darkness that I'm no longer scared when I put down his book. I can't stop reading...but that's another matter for another time.

*sigh* It's positively dreamy...

Another Sunday...My Cat Is Still Alive

I typed some of this "Laedelas's Sunday Summary" last Sunday, but failed to post. Here it is!

My pastor preached today on Ephesians 4:11-16.

• True friendship involves growth, not just a relating. Development must occur!
• V. 14-though we remain like children in God's sight by relying on him for everything, we must still mature spiritually!
• How many ministers are in our church? 2? No! There are about 150 of us--we are all ministers. (v. 11 and 12)
• the church is a body, Christ is the head. Pastors are just different organs of that body.
• How are others instruments for God's will in my life? How do I respond to that work, and can I make it easier for them? Or is the whole process part of God's work? Actually I had a good example of how to NOT do this today (Wed). I went to get my passport, and the digital pictures I had prepared weren't up to the standards that no one told me about. I had to pay $15 for Polaroid snapshots, which made me mad. Mom was trying to calm me down, and was telling me truths that I simply did not want to hear. I didn't make it too easy for her to speak the truth in love, and I certainly didn't respond gratefully.
  
• How am I an instrument in others' lives? How can I communicate God's will to them more effectively?
• Speak the Truth in love and receive the Truth gratefully! Even if someone is misunderstanding your message, be grateful and loving! Your message might be wrong anyway :-)
• Leviticus 19:17
• James 4 I love this passage! V. 5: "5Or do you suppose it is to no purpose that the Scripture says, “He yearns jealously over the spirit that he has made to dwell in us”? That gives me shivers--in a good and fearful way.
  
• Why are we together for a purpose, anyway? (The title of this series is "Together For A Purpose) We are together for our good and to proclaim God's glory.
  

My Cat, Fluffy, My Precious, Princess, Sweetheart, Darling, My Special Cat

I think my cat is dying. She's stopped eating solid food, and is starting to dislike even wet food in favor of milk. Her hair is falling out, and she's got odd growths under her skin, as well as raw sores in her skin. I don't know what to do for her!

This cat is significantly unlike any other cat I'll ever have. Squeaky was the second cat I ever owned, and had a litter of 5 kittens the second time she got pregnant. Two weeks after giving birth, she was poisoned on my neighbor's antifreeze and was put down. My family raised her two-week old kittens using formula in eye droppers and syringes. We took those little kittens on vacation with us so we could keep feeding them every four hours. It was amazing watching their tiny bodies grow and get strong. Since they saw humans as their source of food, they loved us and responded to any sort of affection we could give them. At the age of 8, I was probably clumsy in my affection, but my kittens still loved me. From the moment I saw the smallest kitten, I determined to keep it. She was so small and round! I made sure she ate lots when it was feeding time. As she got older, it became apparent that she'd be the only long-haired cat of the group, which only made me love her more. We kept another cat from that litter, and he became Candy. I named my little girl Fluffy.

Not long after they turned 1 we moved to Pennsylvania, and the cats adapted from suburban life to country living. They caught all sorts of small animals and ran all over the woods. We got two other cats during that time, who promptly had a litter each. All of those new cats were given away, but my Princess and her brother stayed with us as we moved to Carrick. From fields and woods to a 10 square-foot backyard, they rolled with the punches and adjusted. Since we spent so much time on the front porch, they also congregated there and we built homes for them in boxes with woolen blankets and pillows.

We eventually moved to suburbia again, and the cats seemed glad of that. They had a few run-ins with the locals; however, they quickly established their own territory and held it. It was such a pleasure to come home and, at the sound of wheels crunching gravel, see my Precious' round body bobbing up over the hill to greet me. My cats were constantly around when I was outside, and all I needed to do was start singing or whistling for them to run to me. Planting strawberries took hours longer than it should have, simply because my Darling needed my attention during the process. Even when I wasn't outside, the cats would sit on the windowsills and watch my activity from the outside.

As we moved less than a mile away to another suburban house, the cats would wander back to our old house. Candy continues to do this, especially when we leave for the weekend, but my Sweetheart quickly learned that "home is where the heart is," even though her territory was close by. The new house may not have seemed like home at all times, but my Precious was always near to cuddle and kiss. Her age, 12 by now, was never apparent until after the move, and then she declined rapidly.

She no longer jumps up on the porch to greet me, but must use the stairs. She's weakening, and rarely wanders outside of the backyard, even when I come home. She sleeps a lot and is either anxious or in a lot of pain when she's awake. Her brother is noticing this, I think. One morning I went out on the porch to feed them, and she was laying inside her box while Candy was "bathing" her. That's the last time I saw a smile on her face, and such a peaceful one it was!

How can I handle this? The death of a person is quite a different matter, I think, but though this relationship is much more temporal, it still hurts to think of ending it. If Daisy is John's sister, then my Special Kitty is my daughter. Next year she may be just a sweet memory, but right now the pain of losing her is so acute it consumes my thoughts. Oh, Darling, how many times have I cried over you, and you just purr back at me! What will I do when you purr no longer but I'm still crying?

Memorial Day

My maternal grandparents recently celebrated 50 years of union, so this weekend their children planned a surprise celebration. We left on Saturday to travel to their town. I ate "fruity delight" and M&M chocolate bars while planning a trip to Paris on the way there :-) However, my father stayed behind to wrap up the Sewer Project, and my sister headed to L-ville for a conference, so not all of us could come.

My grandparents were thinking that they were going to meet my uncle at the country club for a belated Mother's Day dinner, though they called and wanted to delay it. They were late anyway! But after opening the door, they saw all of their children and their children's families, as well as some of their own siblings, standing in the room yelling "surprise!" and "happy anniversary!"! My grandpa was laughing heartily at the sight of his brother, and my grandmother was in tears upon seeing her brother and my cousin (who's been deployed for a while). It was a pretty cool evening, celebrating their lives together while a wedding party was celebrating downstairs :-) My aunt had made a DVD of pictures that encompassed their marriage and family, and my mother had made a scrapbook of many similar pictures as well as newspaper clippings of important events. I ate so much I couldn't believe myself. I had some queen-cut rib (whatever that was), which was rather tough but still juicy and almost pink :-) along with potatoes and bread. I didn't touch the green beans because they were stewed, but the salad was delicious. I had cookies and cheese throughout the entire meal, and topped it off with a huge piece of chocolate cake.

After dinner we went to my uncle's house and played some volleyball. I got involved in a backrubbing chain, which was inevitable, and then I suggested the hot tub. So we continued the massages in the hot tub, which was cool, and then we ate mountain pies around the campfire. Plans were made for breakfast at Eat'n'Park, and I could just imagine gaining 5 pounds by lunch on Sunday :-P

The weekend in general was full of good food. I ate only fruit and eggs at Eat'n'Park, and washed it down with chocolate milk. Yum! Almost the entire family attended my grandparents' Methodist church, which was interesting and VERY HOT. I felt bad for the pastors, who wore those robes and scarves and cords and whatnot during the hour-long service. Most of my relatives were astonished to find that I usually sit through an hour's worth of preaching, but we cover a LOT more material that way. Dave (a cousin) showed up in his Air Force dress uniform, which was way sweet and had a lot of little buttons & stuff on it. I found out he's a veteran of 3 wars! And he's 24?! Cool. I had an interesting discussion with my great-uncle Dick in his convertible Toyota on the way home. We discussed the sermon and the DaVinci Code, but I was mostly excited about the car, and I think he was too :-) Lunch was your typical American grilled picnic. Dave and I searched for a frizbee, to no avail, but found stuff for wiffleball, and got a game going. I think my team won, but we decided to go sailing and/or swimming before a victory was decided.

There wasn't much wind, but I had fun putting the sailboat together anyway. After my lonely little jaunt on the lake, I took out the kayak for the first time. Wow! I LOVE that kayak! It was crazy fun and crazy fast. It's probably the best way to get a tan that I've ever encountered :-P My dad arrived sometime that evening, which made me happy. I talked with my great-uncle Tom and my great-aunt Chris about their extensive traveling experiences. They both were in the Peace Corps and Tom was a US ambassador to Egypt and Chile and a bunch of other places for years. Gradually people left and I collapsed in the basement.

On Monday I woke up to a typical breakfast experience. Grandpa and I conquered the world's problems by the time I finished my third bowl of cereal :-). He had been talking about the purpose and necessity of NASA with my brother, so we discussed the role of government and privatization etc. until the younger crowd woke up and demanded some table space. Then I went out on the kayak again while the younger cousins drowned the canoe and had a ball. Matt accidentally overturned the kayak so I swam a bit in the coldcoldcold water until it was time for lunch. By then a few aunts and uncles had arrived, so I tried to join another theological discussion. My grandma was going to cut my hair, however, so we went out on the porch. Dave came out with a guitar to strum and chat for a while. I kinda got an inkling of how the military changed his life. We went inside and didn't really do much until it was time to leave, and then I said goodbye to everyone.

Dad and I left earlier than the others, and had a long, hot ride home. We had some good discussion, though, and I'm glad I went with him. I'm hoping he comes to the dance show in a few weeks :-)

Throughout the weekend I've been thinking of marriage and what it means. I know marriage isn't always a picnic, and though it is often marked by moments such as births, graduations, and deaths, it isn't built upon them. So, how do I build such a long, fruitful marriage? Honestly, I've come to the conclusion that I can't do anything to ensure a godly marriage. Why? Two reasons: God has done everything that I, as a sinner, can't. Also, marriage takes two, and my (hypothetical) husband has some preparation to do before we tie the knot :-P As for my preparation, I'm going to continue in the Christian calling that God has given me, seeking the Spiritual gifts for the building of the church. I'm going to work on my memory, though, to make it shorter and more forgiving :-) I think my grandma's ability to chuckle and forgive contributed a lot to the success of their marriage.

My grandpa passionately loves my grandma and seeks her comfort, but he also loves his children. I hope to see my own parents in such a place in 26 years, and maybe I'll have a loving husband and blossoming children of my own by then!

Blast From The Past

I'm publishing this mostly for posterity's sake. I wrote most of it the week following the concert (which was April 15), but because of life's events, I never had time to smooth it out and publish it...

Well, well, well. After going to the Pure Boss concert, I was feeling pretty grumpy about Monday morning. Nate reminded me of a Switchfoot concert that he and John were attending the next Saturday, and asked if I wanted to go. Though I initially declined to attend, I called my parents and asked for their blessing on such an impromptu trip. I was torn between wanting to have another blowout weekend and wanting the $30 to spend in Europe. Oh, well. The call was made, and I'm still waiting to see if I'll need that $30 in Europe :-)

I suffered through another week (school has become excruciating, as it once was). On Friday I made impromptu plans to see The Lion, The Witch, and The Wardrobe at the $1 theater with friends, and unexpectedly added a Rita's Ice and Taco Bell to my "entertainment" bill. This was certainly proving to be a blowout weekend, especially in the finance department! On Saturday I woke up at 7 and immediately popped open Jakey (the lappy) to work on a paper. Around 1 I started to clean the bathrooms and prepare for the concert & road trip. Nate and John arrived and we finally left. I got to be navigator, and we were only lost once :-P

Road trips are my favorite form of relaxation. On this road trip, we had comfortable leather seats, good music, good conversation, and a relatively open road that became flat as time progressed. I think John was having a ball, since he was in a moving car, but not driving :-) What did we talk about? Random stuff. I mostly remember the Weezer album we listened to, though I pulled up a few random memories of Ohio and my childhood there. We didn't have a dominating convo topic.

We arrived after touring the city in a roundabout way and found parking for $5 (woot!). After seeing the huge line waiting at the concert venue, we decided to skip the opening band in favor of dinner. A policeman had suggestions for a close, quick restaurant so we wandered around the hockey arena to find Chipotle's.

Chipotle's is a good restaurant! I really enjoyed the steak fajita I had. I wasn't paying attention to the guy making it, so when he asked what kind of salsa I wanted, I just repeated the last word he listed. It happened to be "hot." "Oh, good girl!" he replied, giving me an approving look. "Oh, uhh, yeah, sure," I said, smiling uncertainly, not realizing what I had said until that minute. It was actually quite good, and since everything was kinda clumped in my fajita, I only needed water about 1/2 way through. Then I needed two glasses. But this was providential, since the water would stay in my system long enough to stave off thirst during the concert. One of the bites I took was heavenly...the perfect mixture of rice, steak, salsa, cheese, etc. I finished the whole fajita, despite being full earlier, just so I could say I did :-)

We walked to the concert, Nate got our tix, and we realized that the concert started later than we expected. Ergo we didn't miss the opening band (LoveDrug). I wouldn't have minded missing their rather monotonous set, but I got my neck warmed up for some heavy-duty headbanging before Switchfoot came out :-)

Switchfoot had quite a different atmosphere this time around. They were much more laid back, almost to the point of being absentminded or careless at the beginning, but the music didn't suffer much. The drummer pulled a cartoonish move and played a song on a child's drum set that was on top of the bass amp! So funny. Jon Foreman was extremely casual and personal with the crowd that night, which was definitely a new aspect. He took his own sweet time when it came to arrangements and singing. At one point he left the stage and wandered around the audience, carrying his mic stand with him! Nate and I gave each other astonished, bemused looks as he walked within arm's reach. I did not reach out to touch him, though I could have. That would have been too close to worship, in my opinion. This was the one point of the concert where peopole actually got close to each other! *eww!*

The crowd seemed impassive, which was frustrating. At one point I was jumping, and my arm brushed some guy's head. He turned around with an annoyed look and smoothed his hair. Umm...it's a concert, dude. Were you expecting personal space? I could understand the weird looks at my screams (I actually asked John to let me know if I was too annoying), but an accidental brush? Anyway. John was definitely rocking out. Nate had a goofy smile on whenever I turned in his direction, so I'm sure he was having fun, though he never got to crowd-surf :-) I ran out of oxygen about halfway through the concert, and had to take a breather for a few minutes, and there was no real moshing, but I really enjoyed it.

Switchfoot played a new song. I don't remember the words, but it seemed rather formulaic in style. I shall have to pay attention if I get to hear it again. Jon sang another impromptu song about Ohio that was pretty witty...with harmonica, too! I like harmonica :-) My favorite song was We Are One Tonight. Jon introduced it by saying that unity rarely comes without conflict, and as I paid more attention to the words in that context, I heard it! "the whole world upside down...I don't wanna fight about it now...these scars will heal." It was cool to ruminate on that as I rocked out when the instruments came crashing in. Easier Than Love was an interesting moment in the concert for me. I couldn't really enjoy the song since the lyrics describe a constant, ugly struggle of mine. God took that emotion and completely turned it on its head when the band played On Fire later in the night. It was an incredible song, and I just totally ate it up. Another incredible moment, as I sang with hundreds of people, was realizing that we were acknowledging a being greater than us and declaring our own transience and weakness. That was really cool.

The concert ended and we made a run for the door (except for John's brief convo with a large sound man dressed in purple). Thus began the dark ride home with a beautiful moon on our right. We talked about the concert a bit, and John reiterated his passion to produce such music and emotion in other people. I tried to ask some helpful questions (I don't know if they were or not), and it sounds like John is really serious about this. It'll be interesting to see where God leads you, John! :-)

We stopped for water and I got a popsickle thingy to soothe my throat. Ohhh, so good :-) John fell asleep soon after that. Eventually Nate was showing obvious signs of drowsiness, so I asked if he wanted me to talk his ear off. "Sure," he said, sounding rather amused and interested. I decided to talk about theology, and turned to devotions since Nate had been encouraging me to pursue a regular devotional time with God. We talked a bit about Hosea & stuff, and the rest of the conversation is buried in the hazy, half-remembered recesses of my mind. But Nate stayed awake, so my purpose was served.

We got home and woke up John. I offered the use of our basement as a place of repose for John, and of course he responded, "I'm one step ahead of you, honey." Gahh! He keeps SAYING that! And I know it's just to be annoying, but...it works! Anyway. Nate got home safely. Church followed soon after.

SOMEDAY I WILL RULE YOU ALL

That's what the Foxtrot cartoon said today, in Morse Code. I was silly enough to transcribe it.

Ye Olde Froute Dyit has been discontinued. On Saturday I was at a fencing tournament, and didn't have time to plan for lunch so I ate whatever was at the concession stand (free food for the coaches! Yay). The barbecued chicken sandwich was lovely, but it made my gallbladder hurt (I think), so Dad is wondering if my problems aren't with my kidneys, but my gallbladder. I don't know, but it's an idea that hadn't occured yet! Perhaps my Doc will have a more informed opinion.

In other news, I'd like to start a new habit in which I discipline myself to put my thoughts during the Sunday sermon on my blog. Often, one or two points will hit me particularly accurately, and by reviewing them here, I might remember them more. Ergo, the majority of this post.

Mike Pierson taught a sermon on Fellowship, and used the text of Hebrews 10:19-25. I have wonderful fellowship with church members, though conversation is not always deep. (why is it that I can have IM convos that last 'til 3 AM about theology, but I can't open up in face-to-face conversations and get personal? John, how do you ask meaningful questions? You do a good job of that.) As a result, I was thinking about this during the sermon and trying to pick up on things that would help me develop friendships that went beyond common interests. Here's what I came up with:

• We are called to fellowship. Through Christ's crucifixion, we have been united with him. But, through that unification, we have also been united with each other. Fellowship is the lifeblood of the church-without enough of it, the church would suffer and rot.
  
• A purpose of fellowship is to provoke one another to repentance (see v. 24). Repentance is not always a pleasant thing, but without it, how could we fully experience God's grace? This is one way that I can be a means of God's grace for my friends, and they for me, so I need not fear it.
• God gives us grace to sustain fellowship, even during conflict. I have experienced this recently. Some of my friends resolved conflict in such a way that it built each other up, and I had never experienced that before! Conflict in the past has been immediately destructive, though it might have borne fruit later. I'd always been afraid of conflict as a result, and by seeing these friends work through their conflict, God's grace was revealed in a way that astonished me and made my heart glad.
  
• Jesus listed the most important commandment as loving God. However, he listed loving other people right alongside that commandment because it was so significant.
• Verse 24: The word "consider" is synonymous with "strategize." Fellowship happens spontaneously, yes, but be purposeful when fellowshipping. Fellowship is a lifestyle, not an event.

This sermon brought up a question: Can fellowship happen by means of blogs? I keep track of several friends by their blogs, and hope that the comments I leave might have some significance, and the comments they leave on my blog are significant to me. What do you think? (Significant comments only, please...just kidding :-) )

Yargh.

Ever eaten nothing but fruit for a week? Neither have I. But I'm going to try to beat my old record of 4 days with no starch. My menu: Cranberry sauce, Mandarin slices, peach slices, bananas, oranges, apples, grape juice, apple juice, and random, indistinguishable frozen fruit pieces. I may cave and eat 1 granola bar after large meals, but only to neutralize the acidity of my stomach.

Why? I think the occasional purging diet has some "medicinal" benefits.

How long do you think I can last?

(this is a picture of a dragonfruit, by the way. They make really, really good juice)

Mother's Day

My family usually goes to Olive Garden for Mother's Day, where the lines are long and the food delicious. I think eating out is fun, but honestly, I'd rather make food. So, I proposed that I cook whatever Mom wanted for Mother's Day rather than an outing to an impersonal restaurant. She chose pork chops. My family rarely eats pig meat because my father dislikes it. Ergo, I had never eaten pork chops, and had absolutely NO idea how to prepare them.

I got a few suggestions from the ladies at church, so I knew to tenderize it, put rosemary on it, grill it, and serve it with baked apples. My mom really likes apples fried in brown sugar, so I made those and mashed potatoes. Then I grabbed the "meat hammer" and had a ball with the raw slices of animal muscle. That was the best part (I don't like peeling apples or potatoes so much as pounding flesh *shrug*). After cleaning off the propane-fueled George Foreman, I grilled ye olde pork chops. Meanwhile, Mom had decided that she wanted green beans too, so she cooked those. In the process of draining potatoes, I poured boiling water all over me. Yow! Polyester was quickly exchanged for linen. I had chosen braided bread at the store, so I cut the nubs of the braid to separate it into "buns" and microwaved it to restore some freshness and warmth. Mom whipped up some dipping sauce for the bread. Everything took me about 75 minutes, with a little help from Mom.

Guess what? People actually ate my food! My family projects this opinion of my food: I pick weeds from the backyard to cook and do all sorts of dirty tricks with food, and that makes it bad. I dunno why. But this was the first "unusual" meal that I had cooked and the family had eaten. My dad ate the pork, and liked it! All the females ate a lot :-), but Matt & Mike were feeling rather lethargic and ate little. I got not-bad reviews, for which I was thankful. And I think Mom was excited to see my culinary skills stretch. :-)

"An excellent wife who can find? She is far more precious than jewels...Strength and dignity are her clothing, and she laughs at the time to come. She opens her mouth with wisdom, and the teaching of kindness is on her tongue. She looks well to the ways of her household and does not eat the bread of idleness. Her children rise up and call her blessed; her husband also, and he praises her: “Many women have done excellently, but you surpass them all.” Charm is deceitful, and beauty is vain, but a woman who fears the Lord is to be praised. Give her of the fruit of her hands, and let her works praise her in the gates."
~Proverbs 31:1, 25-31

Shopping

I just spent 5 hours shopping. No headache! This is the first time I can remember shopping for clothes and not getting a headache. I went for dress shirts (for work), and came home with 5 shirts, a sweater, a vest, a skirt, a belt for the lawn mower, 6 slices of pork chop, 2 loaves of bread (braided, of course), chocolate, deodorant, and 6 pairs of socks. I got nervous...what if I start to enjoy shopping for clothes? And then, I remembered that we had to visit 6 stores to get those items. So much for convenience. Well, the thrift store was convenient...I got most of my clothing items there. Anyway. That's the story of my Saturday evening.

The Semester In Review

"Hey! Welcome to Thoughts of A Wood Elf! It's the end of another semester, and tonight I'm hosting a guest, Self! So, Self, how did I like the semester?"
"Well, to be honest, it was hard."
"More annoying professors who evaluate you in the worst way possible, eh?"
"No, actually, the semester was going wonderfully until Spring Break. I mean, it had its rough spots until that point, but I was having fun in my busy life, and getting better grades."
"Wow. What happened?"
"You probably know, but I got really sick. My Doctor thought I had mono for a while, but it was bronchitis, pink eye, a cold, and a sinus infection that lasted for about 4 weeks. It was a killer. I decided to blow off a weekend and go to a Switchfoot concert as I was recovering, which was fun but exhausting. As I was trying to do 3 weeks of school in 1 week, I learned that my aunt's cancer, which we thought was dormant, was actually terminal and she died 3 days after we learned this. And I was preparing for final exams. I missed my aunt's funeral so I could perform in my West African Dance recital, and had to push thoughts of her away until the testing was over. My last two projects were due Monday, May 1, and I stayed up all night to be able to turn something in that morning. I began working full-time at an optometrist's office that day, so I had no rest."
"Have you recovered?"
"Yeah, don't worry. My health seems to be returning, although I can't say the same for the physical stamina I once had."
"So, Self, how did you begin this semester differently than the others?"
"Well, I prayed a lot more than I had before. School is not my top priority, as I've said before, but a yearly $5,000 scholarship was hanging on my GPA, and this was the last semester I had to make it up. So, I definitely hung a lot more of my worries on God."
"What happened to the scholarship?"
"I lost it."
"Does that make you sad?"
"No, actually. I was expecting it to, but God has constantly amazed me with my wonderful friends, showing me his amazing providence through their care and concern. Lisa was an amazing help, hanging out at any and every time I needed someone. Thanks, Lees! Nate, the Behrenses, Wes, Kayte...oh, I just got a letter in the mail from Kayte the other day. She's so cool."
"So, your friends sustained you?"
"No, I wouldn't say they sustained me, but gave me practical evidence of God's amazing grace, and made it clear that they loved me when I had absolutely nothing to give back to them. I can't thank God enough for them. Losing the scholarship was sad, and life won't be so easy as it once was, but I no longer feel pressure to 'perform' in school like I used to. It's ok that some of my friends *coughJohn* have 4.0's, and I don't."
"Would you consider that as fear of man?"
"Well, yes and no. My GPA wasn't a secret, but I did feel a need to be an 'intellectual' person, and my GPA would be proof."
"Have you learned anything else from this semester?"
"Not having class on Fridays is AMAZING!! I didn't necessarily get all of my school done, but I was able to sleep in for a day and focus on schoolwork more than I could on Saturdays. I think I'm going to arrange for that next year, too."
"What have you been studying in your devotions this semester?"
"You know, it's really interesting that you ask about it, because Nate and I had a long convo about that very thing after I got sick. He referenced a Q&A with John Piper that led to a long conversation about the importance of daily communication with God. He encouraged me to begin daily devotions again, so every morning I'd throw my Bible in my backpack & read on the trolley and the bus. It worked out well, and I've continued the habit, excepting finals week, into my work-a-day world."
"Well, that's amazing! Thank God for his grace!"
"Yes, I am daily amazed at his grace. 'Smile moments,' as I've called them :-)"
"Thanks for being a guest, Self. I look forward to seeing you soon!"

Humility Check (again)

[This section edited upon the advice of my brother. Not Legolas, the other one. Basically I reported my semester grades etc. and followed it with thoughts of the semester...]

What do I care about all of this? Eternity is paid for! I am assured that I will be treated in every way except the way I deserve! So how do I temper that view with this feeling of ineptitude? This was going to be the semester that my academic abilities shone, and I get just 1 letter grade higher in 1 class than last semester. I immediately turn to excuses: I was sick many times, once for a whole month. My father's sister died right before finals week. I worked at two jobs while doing school work and coaching a championship team. Not all of these excuses are invalid, but the point is that I failed to overcome them and meet my goals. I wonder what God's goals were through this process. Am I more mature than I once was? I do not feel closer to Christ at all; I feel farther away than I felt last semester. I think I want to go get lost in the woods with a Bible, a blanket, and a pack of matches for a few days.

Traveling Far Into The Night

The semester is a few hours away from ending. Finally. Here I am, "at the end of time. Speak to me slow, take my hand, hold me down...I go on into the night...at the end of time." For some reason, Johnny B's song just popped up on iTunes, and I was like, whoa, it's the end of the semester! I might actually get an hour or two of sleep tonight! But, I really shouldn't.

This song describes me right now. Cruising along, my mind distracted from the here and now by thoughts of what might be and thoughts of the end. So much for Thomas Belmonte. This has been such a crash & burn ending of a semester.

"What you said is what is right, and the night will be gone, at the end of time."

Someday...

I took a break from my late-night typing to read Josh Harris' blog. I found this quote from a girl named Juli, and absolutely loved it.

...the fact of the matter is that the day I am a bride, the only thing I "deserve" will still be hell and I will still be saved from it. Anytime we talk about what we "deserve" we are entering into dangerous territory. If I as a bride were to start off my WEDDING day with an attitude built around what I've dreamed of, what I deserve, what I am capable of deciding, and what I FEEL comfortable in, I should fear greatly for my MARRIAGE. Marriage is about the opposite of those things (how can I help my husband fulfill his dreams, how can I honor him, how can I cheerfully submit to his decisions, how can I offer him comfort?) and the beauty of the arrangement is that he will be striving to honor me in the same way. I so desire that someday my wedding will be a day celebrating not my body nor anything about me, but the God who has so graciously given me a husband with whom to become one.

What captured my attention were the four questions about what marriage is, how can I help my husband fulfill his dreams, how can I honor him, how can I cheerfully submit to his decisions, how can I offer him comfort? That's probably the most meaningful, concise description of marriage I've ever encountered. It also made me think...would it be preposterous to have an altar call at a wedding? If I could have a dream wedding, it would involve a conversion :-)