Affairs

I used to consider myself as "married, just waiting for the right man." In other words, I didn't want to get physically involved with anyone because I had an uptight--I mean, upright--understanding of marriage that it lasted forever, and considering that "forever" has no end or beginning, I tried to live in a way that wouldn't make a theoretical husband jealous. This mostly had to do with physical relations with guys, and mostly served as a standard for physical purity.

But recently I started thinking about this more, and followed the idea to a more complete conclusion. If I really was married, then I've had tons of emotional affairs with men that could be just as harmful to a marriage as physical infidelity. And I'm not sure how I'd go about pursuing a man with the intent of marriage without having such an "emotional affair."

The ideal sort of courtship for me would be to sit down and hash out all the details of personality, life, plans, etc and then just getting hitched. But that leaves out a lot. I'm learning that I don't (and can't) fully communicate who I am through words. I don't communicate well through talk; I prefer dance and sculpture. Not sure how a relationship could be communicated through sculpture...interesting thought, but rather impractical. Regardless, there are ways to learn how people act and react in ways that can't be communicated through language. So there's more to relationships than talking.

BUT take into account that I follow Christ. As tempting as it is, I don't want romance to be a primary thought. I want to pursue God wholeheartedly, which is somewhat hard to do when pursuing men. SOOoooooOOO this means I'm giving up marriage & family, right? Eh, not really. Just saying that, if God really has called me to marriage & family, he'll make it abundantly clear that I'm supposed to go there. I do not want to treat my husband as Christ; I think a lot of wives make the mistake of expecting their husbands to be Christ to them, and I've yet to meet an infallible man other than Christ. I will marry Christ, when this world has ended, but if I should marry one here, I can't expect that of him.

(originally written 2/5/11)

What Are You Doing With Your Insomnia?

I've been a fan of Owl City for a while, and love knowing that Adam Young also suffers from insomnia. He, like me, finds some relief from sleeping in moving vehicles, but generally hasn't found answers from medicine. Today, while enjoying the song The Saltwater Room, I reflected on how Adam has used his insomnia to create beautiful things that bless others. What am I doing with my insomnia? I'm challenged to create rather than consume. How can I redeem my late-night sleeplessness? What can I do that will glorify God and bless others?

Then John Piper's famous blog post about redeeming cancer came to mind. So, like everyone else on the internet, I'm rewriting that list to reflect one of my biggest struggles. This list is still a draft, so feel free to add ideas!

1. You will waste your insomnia if you do not believe it is designed for you by God. II Corinthians 3:18
2. You will waste your insomnia if you believe it is a curse and not a gift. James 1:5, James 4:6
3. You will waste your insomnia if you seek comfort from coping mechanisms rather than from God. Matthew 11:28-30
4. You will waste your insomnia if you refuse to think about the worst. God's grace is sufficient! II Corinthians 12:9
5. You will waste your insomnia if you think that "beating" insomnia means sleeping regularly rather than cherishing Christ.
6. You will waste your insomnia if you spend too much time thinking about sleep and not enough time thinking about God.
7. You will waste your insomnia if you let it drive you into solitude instead of deepening your relationships and making your love for others obvious.
8. You will waste your insomnia if you are hopeless. Hope is not found in a cure, but in the Son of God.
9. You will waste your insomnia if you treat sin as casually as before. Don't shift the blame from your self to your insomnia!
10. You will waste your insomnia if you don't use it to witness to the truth and glory of Christ.

Remember you are not left alone. You will have the help you need. “My God will supply every need of yours according to his riches in glory in Christ Jesus” (Philippians 4:19).~John Piper

Radio Love

A radio announcer told me that I'd experience 22 kisses, dump 5 people, be dumped 4 times, and be cheated on 4 times before I'd find "true" love. (If you want a link, here's even more info from the same survey.) Right after that, I heard the song "Just The Way You Are" by Bruno Mars. It wasn't on purpose; I was scrolling through radio stations to reach my favorite indie station. Really! :-P

Anyway, this got me thinking about the definition of "true" love, and why people bother settling for anything less. I believe it is possible to truly love someone without being a "perfect match" for them, but I also believe there really aren't any perfect matches in that we're still human and hurt each other all the time. I don't think I'll ever find someone who agrees with me on everything, because I don't agree with myself on everything. Also, such a relationship would get stagnant before the third date, and what's the fun in that?

Humans need love. We go to great lengths to find it, or pretend we have it, when in reality we're incapable of loving the way we need to be loved. I am certainly affected by those around me, but I hope I never tie my hopes and dreams to another human. They belong to God.

Love Hopes All Things

This weekend, I talked to my mom (again) about The Situation I'm currently in. She was supportive of my wild-eyed goal, and pointed out the obvious: I'm in a spiritual battle. Thinking about that last night, I laid claim on Mr. J's soul, by the authority of Christ, and demanded that Satan no longer use him as a tool of destruction. I felt odd asking for this of God, but I sensed an urgent YES and so prayed as I thought appropriate. It was freeing.

This afternoon, I read an article by my second-favorite preacher John Piper which enticed tears and laughter from my soul. "This is the love I have for Mr. J," the Voice said. "Only I am capable of this love, though I delight to show that love to and through you as well."

Spirit, you are giving me an opportunity for patient love. Please, give me the grace to grow in patience, that I may make the most of this opportunity.

Spinning Plates and Burdens

A friend of mine just blogged about God's grace. It was a bittersweet reminder that he is more than a safety net. He holds me together on a submolecular level. And yet, it was a twisting knife in my side. "Don't spin plates," they say. "Don't do God's job for him--that's pride. " And yet, when I'm faced with the worst temptation yet, and choices too big for my maturity level, they say "well, duh, that's wrong. Don't sin." Or, at best, "I'm sorry, but yeah...don't sin."

I'm too sensitive to this issue. But it's hard to be insensitive when one walks on the blade of a long, narrow sword, and the calluses just aren't there yet.

My solution? It's the same as Christa's. Live in God's grace. Honestly, it's hard to see temptation when God's love is taking all my attention. It is a sweet, sweet release.

P.S. Thank you for your prayers. God is quick to answer. Praise to the Almighty One!

On All Sides, A Net

Sin waits to ensnare me. Everywhere I turn, it lurks in shadows or jumps into the light or comes from behind to twine around my heart and drag it to the depths of depravity. If I turn from lust, self-righteousness gloats. If I turn from legalism, I lose self-control. If I seek my own interests, I fail in my mission to glorify God. If I seek to benefit others, I ignore the commandments of Scripture. If I act other than how I feel, I deceive those around me and proclaim a false gospel. If I work hard, I do not rest in grace.

What shall we say then? Are we to continue in sin that grace may abound? By no means! How can we who died to sin still live in it? Do you not know that all of us who have been baptized into Christ Jesus were baptized into his death? We were buried therefore with him by baptism into death, in order that, just as Christ was raised from the dead by the glory of the Father, we too might walk in newness of life.

For if we have been united with him in a death like his, we shall certainly be united with him in a resurrection like his. We know that our old self was crucified with him in order that the body of sin might be brought to nothing, so that we would no longer be enslaved to sin. For one who has died has been set free from sin. Now if we have died with Christ, we believe that we will also live with him. We know that Christ, being raised from the dead, will never die again; death no longer has dominion over him. For the death he died he died to sin, once for all, but the life he lives he lives to God. So you also must consider yourselves dead to sin and alive to God in Christ Jesus.

Let not sin therefore reign in your mortal body, to make you obey its passions. Do not present your members to sin as instruments for unrighteousness, but present yourselves to God as those who have been brought from death to life, and your members to God as instruments for righteousness. For sin will have no dominion over you, since you are not under law but under grace. ~Romans 6:1-15

Shall I choose how to sin in order to avoid other sins? Please, Lord, save me from myself.

The Savior's Protection

So, today God confirmed that he isn't done working with this Stranger-Lover of mine. He was struck by a vehicle while walking home, and suffered serious (though not life-threatening) injuries. I am grateful that God spared his life! His injuries should be much worse than they are, though they certainly aren't trivial.

Lord, your mercy cannot be fathomed. You protect and support the weak. Please continue to protect him - I know you love him more than I, and are willing and able to save his soul. Please, make your love and mercy tangible to his soul in a way that his rational mind cannot explain.

Intimacy

Such was the love of the Son of God to the human nature, that he desired a most near and close union with it, something like the union in the persons of the Trinity, nearer than there can be between any two distinct [beings]. This moved him to make the human become one with him, and himself to be one of mankind that should represent all the rest, for Christ calls us brethren and is one of us. How should [we] be encouraged, when we have such a Mediator! 'Tis one of us that is to plead for us, one that God from love to us has received into his own person from among us. And 'tis so congruous that it should be so, and is also so agreeable to the Scripture, that it much confirms in me the truth of the Christian religion. ~Jonathan Edwards, Miscellanies #183

The Problem With Sin

There are many problems with sin. Obviously, the first and most concerning is that God cannot tolerate it. But on a (much more) smaller note, it's not healthy for me. Allow me to explain.

I've been sinning against God this Summer in questioning his law, his goodness, and his leadership. I wander away, questing after shadows, then the gracious Hand arrests my soul and centers me on Himself again. I've been preferring the world's fruit to God's love. I seek someone else's attention, rather than giving my attention to the One who so clearly deserves it. The first time I realized my error, I repented in tears and meditated much on Scripture that shed light on my path. When it happened again, I remembered the thoughts I had earlier, but didn't seek restitution so enthusiastically. Now, when I realize that I'm sinning this way again, I sigh exasperatedly. My soul has been numbed to the conviction of the Holy Spirit. It's as though there were a scab on my soul, and because it was constantly being picked, a callous developed in its place.

Considering this, I see clearly that, when sin recurs, I must seek repentance doubly hard, to avoid doing so yet a third time. And yet, I see my sin and don't want to put in the effort to change. Really?! Don't want to be reunited with the lover of my soul? How ridiculous! How piteously small-minded!

It seems the only thing that quickens my soul to the Spirit is the thought of my friend's salvation. Lord, change my heart. Purge me of the dross, and put treasures in this earthly vessel of Yours.

Hello, Blogger!

Last post was June 20th? Wow. Almost 5 months ago. Pardon the interruption...

I haven't been blogging because my thoughts this Summer have revolved around one thing (well, person) in particular, and I really didn't know how to phrase my thoughts for public consumption. Rather than risk offending some, or injuring anyone involved, I kept my thoughts away from the internet. But I think (hope) it might be helpful to publish my struggles about this. I know I'm not the only one struggling with this, but I found little help from online resources when I looked. Maybe others will be encouraged by my fight, which is ongoing and will probably inspire more writings.

I fell in love with someone I don't know--a stranger. By that, I mean someone whose heart is void of the Holy Spirit. He can tell me the Gospel story, and quotes the Bible, but our experiences of God cannot be more different. When I say "fall in love," I mean just that. I didn't plan to love him this way--I planned to care for his soul in the best way I could discern. I earnestly prayed for the salvation and protection of his soul, on my knees, in tears, without falling into the snares that so easily encompass us, for weeks.

But there was a moment (I remember it exactly) when my emotions became compromised, and it was no longer just his soul that I cared for, but my own satisfaction. The pull in this direction was irresistible for me. The Bible says that God will not let us be tempted beyond what we can bear, and this Summer I doubted the validity of that verse. How can I resist the most natural thing in the world? Is it wrong for Pavlov's dogs to salivate when they are trained to recognize the proximity of food? How, then, can I be expected to resist what Paul calls a "profound mystery" regarding the relationship between a man and a woman?

Romans 7 has been a rock to which I've clung countless times this Summer. "WHO will deliver me from this body of death?" I've screamed at the cosmos. Fatalistic attitudes were tempting. "God, if you want me to marry a Christian, why did you allow me to be in this situation?" Even my friend encouraged me to think along those lines, "Would God really put us in our lives only to force us apart because of our beliefs in him? Would someone who loves you like he does do that to you?" But I KNOW there's more to this than that. I just don't know what it is.

Song of Solomon became a source of strength to me. I've read that book before as one who was curious, looking for wisdom and understanding none of it. It is now ABUNDANTLY clear to me why the daughters of Jerusalem are charged not to awaken love until it so desires. But what about me, who didn't desire to awaken love, and yet...it awoke? I still do not understand fully this book, but Song of Solomon 8:6-7 have become to me a lifeline. It's reassured me that what I feel, is, in fact, a taste of divine pleasures, and therefore cannot be ignored or suppressed as a mere inconvenience. For years, I've wrestled with lust and desire and guilt, and managed to keep much of it "under control," but this is beyond my control. This is no longer just me wanting something out of reach, it is a man who desperately needs love, and wants to offer what love he can give in return. No man has ever offered me such love.

Except One, the one whose name is Love. The one who lived and loved perfectly, that I may be redeemed and return his affection. It was my hope at the beginning of the Summer to show this love to my friend, but slowly and painfully am I realizing that I am incapable of such love. I cannot set my self aside to be Christ to others, and yet, somehow, they see him in me. This is the profoundest mystery of all, and merely acknowledging it effectuates tears. To love is to die. To become a lover, one must give up individuality and a sense of self for the sake of creating a new being, a new person, if you will.

Am I giving up myself for the sake of loving Christ? People ask all the time if I'm ready to "live for Christ," or "sacrifice for the sake of the Gospel," etc. etc. etc. I've misunderstood it all until now. Jesus doesn't want my best efforts, he wants ME. I must deny myself. Not of pleasures or needs, but I must deny my SELF. Facing this truth is to look into Terror. How do I deny myself? Consider myself as dead to the world, but alive in Christ? How do I so totally separate myself from "me" (circumstances, habits, personality) and instead identify solely in Him? I don't know.

What I do know is that I am grateful that God brought this man and this relationship into my life. I have never fought so hard or lost so much to sin, and yet am emerging victorious. The victory is mine, and the battle is the Lord's. Hosanna! No enemy can stand when his praise goes forth! And this, THIS is what kept me from total depravity. I know beyond a shadow of a doubt that God deserves praise, and oh! He blessed me so much this Summer through praise. I've rejected God again and again this Summer, yet when I give him the praise he deserves he accepts it and welcomes me back to him. His presence has been my constant companion.

I pity my own humanity. Because of it, I am bound to the flesh, yet taste immortality.

Usually, when I write about struggles like this, I write as if it were a story, with a beginning, a middle, and an end. This isn't a story. I'm unable to detach myself from it, because it is ongoing. When will it end? I don't know...I suspect it has something to do with Christ's return. It is the deepest desire of my heart that my friend will be one of the sheep in the fold of Jesus when (if) this story ends. I have this strange peace and assurance (some would call it faith) that he will be, but for now, I am called to patience. Please pray for us.

YOUTH CAMP 2010!!!

For the next few days, I will be living in the valley between two low hills, half an hour from the nearest Wal-Mart, and far from any Wifi signal. YESSSS!! I've shared several times about my Youth Camp experiences, and they were all fantastic. Please, be in prayer that God would use these 4 days to shower grace upon the youth, parents, and helpers who are attending. We are studying the Prodigal Son, and I hope he will move mightily. And I get to view it all from behind the sound board :-D Praise God!

Profile Photo

For those of you who are interested, and for the sake of artistic integrity, I would like to announce that the photographer of my new profile icon is Miss Lane Webb. A link to the original can be found here.

Love Languages for Techies

This article by Mike Sessler was funny and painfully true. Especially Point #1. My church does a great job of affirmative speech, and I really appreciate it! My only disagreement: Bacon =! physical touch. Food is REALLY high up on the "need" scale, though, especially on days when tech assignments stretch beyond 2 hours! And, honestly, when DON'T they go beyond 2 hours? :-P I'm so glad I get to do tech and kitchen at Youth Camp! Other than being a team leader, I can't think of a better set-up :-)

Priorities

As some of you may know, I tend to live my life in a state of chaos. Organized (to me) chaos, but it's still chaotic. I've been pondering the value of simplicity recently, and have debated whether I should purge myself of possessions. This would hardly be a cure to my chaotic lifestyle, but it would help with the mess.

Books would be the first culprit (I love books, and borrow as much as I can, but still have quite a few), but then, what would I be throwing away? My language/linguistic books? Reference books? My Tolkien "shrine?" Fencing manuals? Childhood friends? Memories? Christian apologetics resources? Seriously?

Clothes would be next, and trust me, I would have very little regret should I discard all clothes but the necessary few. The biggest problem here is social norms. Appearances matter a lot; ergo, clothes matter. Ahh, for the good ol' days of 6th grade, when I had two pairs of jeans and two sweatshirts that I wore everywhere except church. Nowadays I wear my work uniform, bike jersey, fencing gear, church clothes, the occasional fancy dress...and of course, we can't leave out costumes. I love dressing up :-P

Currently, my floor is strewn with paint supplies. Grandma gave me a tube of gold acrylic paint, so I was exploring its uses the other day. I think I could get rid of all that, but people seem to enjoy my artistic endeavors with paint. Besides, I'm in the midst of (at least) two projects, and would hate to let those ideas die.

Conclusion: It's not the stuff, it's the Stuff Manager. It's not a matter of simplicity, it's a matter of managing resources.

March 30th Was A Long Time Ago...

...considering the speed of the internet. However, at the consistent encouragement of iJosh, I am now on Twitter. Fo now, I am pointing my words at this webpage.

Tonight I visited another fencing club and had a terrible performance in the midst of serious, experienced fencers. I enjoyed the competition, but am frustrated with the mental block between what I know and what I do. Kinda like how I'm helpless before spiritual enemies. I've been meditating on Psalm 116 a lot recently (and Psalm 27). How appropriate to tie my physical weaknesses to my spiritual weaknesses. Even in "fair" competition, I am helpless without my Lord.

Words escape me, so allow me to paint a picture. I'm driving home from fencing, disappointed in myself and asking God why. The David Crowder Band's Church Music album is playing, and the lyrics break through my confusion.

"O grant us reprieve from the fighting

So we just rest our head on the shoulder of the One!"

I can't drive any more, because the Spirit has arrested my soul, and road safety is secondary to the One.

"We are loved!

And it's quite enough

That we are loved!"

Those Psalms come to mind, and I thank the Lord, for

"He has heard

my voice and my pleas for mercy."

I recently decided to pursue an even higher education. An education that will allow me to translate the Bible for people groups who have yet to read the Holy Word in their mother tongue. Think of how different your life would be if the Bible were still in Vulgate Latin, and you can imagine their difficulty. God has placed a specific people group on my heart for whom to pray. I can't picture their faces; I don't know how they communicate; but I want to be the lampstand from which the Holy Spirit illuminates the Bible to them. I get goosebumps, thinking about the possibilities.

None of this is possible on my own. Every day, I wake up and rely on the Lord for inspiration and providence and joy.

Staying At Home

My brother shared an interesting article from artofmanliness.com the other day. Most of the article has to do with social norms and one's response to them, but there was a parenthetical quote that caught my attention:

"People often talk about women being stay-at-home moms as the most natural thing, but there can hardly be anything more culturally unnatural than a woman, separated from family and friends, alone with her baby day after day."

Considering that perception of a "stay-at-home" mom, I think I'd flee motherhood, too! But "staying at home" while mothering is hardly confining oneself to Baby's sphere. I have yet to attain motherhood, but I did live with a stay-at-home mom (hi, Mom!), and I can assure you, she probably would have spent more time at home if she could have. Rather, she was herding her ducklings (four of them) around, to lessons and performances and museums and classes and relatives and friends, and generally doing anything she could to expand our world and benefit us. I want to be that kind of mom. I've confined myself to corporate schedules and locales before, and would much rather have the freedom of "home-bound" life. All this depends somewhat on my family's ability to live within our means, and the lion's share of that burden will, most likely, rest on the father. But, you know, he doesn't necessarily have to restrict himself to corporate
demands, if he builds his own business...

Disclaimer: The original article had nothing to do with parenting and everything to do with social norms. This phrase caught my attention because I am female and am drawn to feminine topics, not because I think the author was wrongly judging another's lifestyle. Please don't judge the website because of my analysis of one phrase :-) The little I've read seems intriguing and beneficial, it's just that I'm not a man, so I find it more amusing than otherwise.

Also, apologies for my lack of online presence. Jake, my trusted computer of five years, has a weak connection somewhere in his logic board. I'm looking for a replacement. Let me know if you want computer parts, and/or if you are selling a Macbook :-)

Galatians 6:9-10

Let us not grow weary of doing good, for in due season we will reap if we do not give up. So then, as we have opportunity, let us do good to everyone and especially to those who are of the household of faith.
~Galatians 6:9-10

It amazes me how God is constantly by my side, speaking to me and guiding me. The verse above (in lyrical form, thanks to Mark Altrogge) and the song Divine Romance by Phil Wickham have been replaying in my mind all of today. For that, I am grateful.

Recent events have conspired against my plans. I decide that, yes, I will take concrete steps toward international deaf missions, and outline future plans on paper. Guess what happens next. Temptation, of course. Temptation in a form I couldn't imagine and certainly didn't expect. Temptation in the form of a friend...who wants to move beyond friendship.

I agree with him on some levels. On a superficial level, and even a personality level, we could form a good team with a little work. However, there's a level that finds people in their nightmares, in their daydreams, in the moments when all is lost or everything is gained. It is at that level that we are not compatible. I love this man as a friend, and yearn for his salvation. But I know it would be foolish to yoke myself to an unbeliever. The relationship he desires would only distract me from the One I hold Most Dear, and the purpose for which I am on Earth.

It is what I think I want, but not how I want it... or perhaps some of what I want, but not good enough. Like the Israelites in the wilderness who were tired of manna and cried for meat.

I thank him who has given me strength, Christ Jesus our Lord, because he judged me faithful, appointing me to his service, though formerly I was a blasphemer, persecutor, and insolent opponent. But I received mercy because I had acted ignorantly in unbelief, and the grace of our Lord overflowed for me with the faith and love that are in Christ Jesus. The saying is trustworthy and deserving of full acceptance, that Christ Jesus came into the world to save sinners, of whom I am the foremost. But I received mercy for this reason, that in me, as the foremost, Jesus Christ might display his perfect patience as an example to those who were to believe in him for eternal life. To the King of ages, immortal, invisible, the only God, be honor and glory forever and ever. Amen.
~1 Timothy 1:12-17

God, may I prove true to the challenge you have set before me. Set my feet upon a rock! I feel the firey darts of Apollyon whizzing past my ear--protect me, Lord, and guide my sword in the attack. Thank you for bringing to my attention the dangers to both myself and my friend.

Um, don't follow that last link if you're sensitive to foul language.

Some scripture that the Holy Spirit illuminated during this battle (:

Ephesians 6:10-18
Ephesians 5:15- 21
James 1:22-26
**This is why the Bible needs interpreting. How else could I fight if I did not know my Sword?
Romans 10:5-17
Romans 7:7-25
Ephesians 3:14-21
Ephesians 4:17-32
Hebrews 12:1-2
(Shoutout to my new pastors, who preached through Ephesians last year. It helped a lot--thanks, guys!)

I want YOU!

At every turn God is challenging me. "Will you choose me, or the world?" He seems to ask.

You, Lord! You alone! Help me in my unbelief. Remove from me the fear of man. Though I know the process will be painful, I yearn to be free from what you do not require. I know that pain is temporary. Put light on your scripture, Spirit, and show me the way.

NAMM

I am very jealous of this guy. Also, I start doing tech at my "new" church tomorrow. Yay? We shall see how it goes :-) I'm very excited to see what I can learn from working with a new system and under the tutelage of Scott T.

Potential

Sometimes you don't even realize what you had until what might have been is no longer. "Could be" becomes "can not be." What do you take for granted?

I tend to take relationships for granted. This became glaringly apparent when I moved. I had the honor of witnessing two individuals unite in matrimony today, and was contemplating how that relationship would change every other relationship in their lives. Lifestyle changes have affected many of my friendships.

How grateful I am that my relationship with God will always be changing--for the better!