Bluesy Christmas

Desiring God recently published an article about Post-Christmas Melancholy that I enjoyed, even though my Christmas was far from melancholy. Maybe you will too? :-)

I'm So Excited!

EEEK! How will I be able to wait until 2011 for THIS? *sighs of rapture*

As The Ruin Falls

All this is flashy rhetoric about loving you.
I never had a selfless thought since I was born.
I am mercenary and self-seeking through and through:
I want God, you, all friends, merely to serve my turn.

Peace, re-assurance, pleasure, are the goals I seek,
I cannot crawl one inch outside my proper skin:
I talk of love --a scholar's parrot may talk Greek--
But, self-imprisoned, always end where I begin.

Only that now you have taught me (but how late) my lack.
I see the chasm. And everything you are was making
My heart into a bridge by which I might get back
From exile, and grow man. And now the bridge is breaking.

For this I bless you as the ruin falls. The pains
You give me are more precious than all other gains.

~ Clive Staples Lewis

This is the poem my dad referenced in his comment on my post previous. Thanks, Pop :-)

Epiphany 2.0

Yesterday I had a nice long chat with my pastor and his wife about Wycliffe Bible Translators. It was humbling and effective. I wanted to hear that I was perfect for the role and should continue in my happy way, but they probed deeper than I thought and shone light on potential problems I'd not anticipated.

Today I realized I needed to take my mind off the trivial stresses I'm currently experiencing and realize there is something beyond me that I cannot fix because Jesus is the only One who can. Rather than watching Batman Begins again, I read Called To Die by Steve Estes. It's a biography of Chet Bitterman, a linguist who worked for Wycliffe and died because of his work translating the Bible. I'm on page 116, and the thought hit me; Can I be motivated for work as a Wycliffe linguist? Jeff and Jo Smothermom (whose stories I was reading) were translating when asked to serve WBT in supportive roles. They hesitated because of their passion for the people for whom they worked. I'd be happy to serve, but could I serve as wholeheartedly and specifically as they? My pastor asked me why I wanted to translate, and the answer I gave was "so I could glorify God and enjoy him forever." Not incorrect, but way too prescripted. I am not motivated to study and fundraise for months before knowing the people for whom I'd be translating.

Dear God, please give me patience on this journey. Give me faces to identify, souls to reach, a culture to learn and a community to become part of so that I may glorify you and, with the help of the Spirit, to illumine the Scriptures to those unreached.

Thanks Be

To God our Father, for his blessings are numerous.  His mercies endure forever.

Who can count his benefits?  Show me, if you can, the limits of his grace.

A new song I sing to my LORD, a song of gratitude and praise.  May my lifelong praise be as incense to him!

Small Epiphanies

"Truly, I have brought you low, in order that I may lift you up."

On Saturday I attended a recruiting event for Wycliffe Bible Translators, and found lots to love. While driving home the gravity of the opportunity came to bear on my heart. Should I leave (for two years? Five? Thirty?), I'd give up so much. Relationships would change in even more significant ways than they have since my last relocation. I'd give up my self-sufficient pride; in order to do this, I'd need to live off of the generosity of friends and supporters. I'd give up the opportunity to dance with a ministry I love. The weight of such things (most of them good gifts of God) began to pull me away from my desire for ministry. For the first time in memory, I wanted a "normal" life. I didn't even consider how I might minister here; I just wanted comfort. I knew it was wrong, and prayed for sanctification.

Wednesday was the worst day yet at my new job. Working overtime is fine, except when you've been working long hours for weeks, and your bosses are overstressed and show it, and your faults are not handled gracefully. A flicker of a thought came to mind...if I joined Wycliffe, I could escape this pressure cooker. I knew this thought was preposterous.

If I join Wycliffe and water the seeds that others have planted, it will be by God's grace alone. I cannot be motivated by comfort, or escapism, or a sense of adventure. I have a Commission, and it is calling me toward Wycliffe. I may not join or go overseas, and if I do it won't be for a while, but I am called. What can I do but follow?

"Scatter Post," As Samurai Might Say

It's been entirely too long since I posted last. So sorry.

1) A happy birthday to my dear friend, whom I've nicknamed Aragorn.
2) Tomorrow I am participating in an event which may lead to further involvement in Wycliffe Bible Translators. Prayer would be appreciated.
3) Yesterday I approached my boss about a situation at work which, to me, was immoral. This was the hardest thing I've done in a while, considering the situation was hardly a problem to most of my coworkers. By the grace of God, our conversation went well and hopefully a solution will prevent itself soon. I'd rather not quit, though am (of course) willing to do so rather than compromise my morals. Thanks be to my heavenly father, who is willing and able to sustain and guide me toward his perfect goodness.

Conversations

Sometimes, conversations take place over extended periods of time. Tonight, I just continued one such conversation with an artist I admire greatly, Makoto Fujimura. If you have the inclination, feel free to peruse his side of our most recent conversation. My side will (hopefully) begin in a few days, but first I have lots to think about. My company recently threw out quite a few canvases that my roommates and I rescued. I've covered half a dozen in gesso, and they wait in the basement for a creative mind and some paint. I plan to begin by recreating a horridly constructed painting of mine from high school, a sunset, because it will allow me to brush up (ha, ha...) on my painting techniques and the color wheel. After that, I hope to take a sketch I created about spiritual warfare and paint that. Mako's discussion of Rouault's spirituality has stirred up those ideas regarding art and faith which I love so much. My artwork will benefit as a result.

I Have A Blog?!

Oh, yeah, the Blog! So much for Sunday Summaries. Well, here's a summary of the past 3 Sundays: Awesome. 'Cos God was there. Anyway, I read something from Chuck Colson at FCA-Doing Sports God's Way that I thought may be beneficial to you all.

Pastor Chuck Swindoll, accepting a Lifetime Achievement Award at Catalyst 09, offered the following lessons he has learned:

1. It’s lonely to lead. Leadership involves tough decisions. The tougher the decision, the lonelier it is.
2. It’s dangerous to succeed. I’m most concerned for those who aren’t even 30 and are very gifted and successful. Sometimes God uses someone right out of youth, but usually he uses leaders who have been crushed.
   
3. It’s hardest at home. No one ever told me this in Seminary.
4. It’s essential to be real. If there’s one realm where phoniness is common, it’s among leaders. Stay real.
   
5. It’s painful to obey. The Lord will direct you to do some things that won’t be your choice. Invariably you will give up what you want to do for the cross.
6. Brokenness and failure are necessary.
7. Attitude is more important than actions. Your family may not have told you: some of you are hard to be around. A bad attitude overshadows good actions.
8. Integrity eclipses image. Today we highlight image. But it’s what you’re doing behind the scenes.
9. God’s way is better than my way.
10. Christlikeness begins and ends with humility.

Challenges

Sometimes, life comes at you fast. This past month has been one of those times. Going from one challenge to another messes with one's priorities. Example: Job challenges are far below spiritual challenges. As you may know, I've recently been fighting the good fight (or Fight, as it may be) to a different (higher?) degree. Yesterday, I Peter 5:7 came to mind as I was praying for the various trials of friends and family. I was (am) unable to bear up under such things; fortunately I am not required to carry even the weight of my own sin. Today I was talking with Galadriel while finishing gluten-free cookies for my Faerie roommate. We began with Keith Green and wandered all over the topics of fatalism, ideology, predestination, spiritual warfare, Eastern religion, sociology...you get the picture. I was challenged that my standard was not high enough. I see that I've taken the perspective of "well, I'm doing all I can so that must be enough." I also see that the perspective I should (and have) had is, to put it very simply, "nothing I do is good enough. God does all. Follow Him." Galadriel brought up Romans 14:23b and challenged me. I was challenged. I searched the phrase "sober minded" in the ESV, and was particuarly struck by I Peter 5:8, a good follow-up to the verse I mentioned earlier (link). I will commit these verses to memory. I will spend more time in my prayer closet. By the grace of God...

Sunday Summaries Return

Some of my (very) long-time readers may remember the Sunday Summaries of the past. I've decided to renew the (almost) tradition. Ergo, the following post.

Today, my new church (what a bittersweet thought) celebrated their 25th year of existence. The sermon is not yet available, but you can find it here at some point soon. Video would be fantastic, since a lot of the service involved testimonies and drama etc. Regardless, I had a few notes I'd like to share.

• John 15:1-11 came to mind at some point (don't remember the context). And then this word came... "Pray this would happen to Covenant of Grace! We are being pruned ...will we prove ourselves abiding in Christ? Only then will we bear fruit & survive the fire."
  
• During J. Reyes' message, I heard the promise that God never lies. How refreshing!
• The skit that illustrated the last 25 years of this church involved a part reflecting on the charismatic attitude during worship. I responded in my notebook with "I miss my charismatic roots! How countercultural can that be now, in a well-groomed age that has all the "answers" (i.e. Google)?
  

Recipes

Well! What with all this "extra" time I have in my schedule after work, I've been making lots of sweet stuff with one of my housemates (not sure what to call him...working on that). Today we made Bailey's Truffle Fudge, and I highly recommend it. Before that we made ginger cookies and have made plenty of chocolate chip cookies too. I'm currently searching for a recipe for gluten-free chocolate chip cookies for my other housemate (the Faerie). Any suggestions?

Job Search = Over

Today I finally deleted all 4 job searches I had with Monster.com. Whew! There were times I thought I'd never disconnect from that website. I've had those searches going since February and March, and it paid off :-) Much thanks to God our Father, who provides to each in turn!

Land of Corn

Well! I have moved West! Not quite the Grey Havens, but you get the idea :-) I've had quite a few new adventures since moving. Many of them involve my daily bike ride. It's pretty cool--I wake up and have an adventure before I even get to work! I miss my Steel Town friends like mad, though. I feel like I have no social life, which is totally not true, but I'm used to having every evening and every weekend filled with friends to the max. Some wise lady I live with (we'll call her Galadriel) suggested I get my car fixed (did I mention a friend gave me her old car?!) so I won't go crazy living in the middle of all these cornfields. She didn't use those exact words...but that's basically where I'm living :-) A Steel Town friend suggested I get Twitter...I think that's a good sign I should blog more. 'Specially considering I spend significantly less time on the internet in my new surroundings.

Leaving

I didn't know this could be so painful. The memories are making me woozy with tears. I am redefining myself; my childhood is tearing apart. It's not even the stuff. I can do without stuff. The people have become part of me. Saying "fare well" to live bodies is so much harder than saying "goodbye" to a corpse. They are mourning as well. I am not as important as I once thought.

I'm moving. I'll miss you. Regardless of who you are and where, our relationship is going to change and I'll miss the "old" you. What we had was good. I have faith that what we will have is better. Heaven will be best, because we will see our Savior face to face, together. At last. Completely whole, together. Thank you.

Boasting About Tomorrow

Come now, you who say, “Today or tomorrow we will go into such and such a town and spend a year there and trade and make a profit”— yet you do not know what tomorrow will bring. What is your life? For you are a mist that appears for a little time and then vanishes. Instead you ought to say, “If the Lord wills, we will live and do this or that.” As it is, you boast in your arrogance. All such boasting is evil. So whoever knows the right thing to do and fails to do it, for him it is sin.
~ James 4:13-17

Today, as I drove home from a promising job interview, this verse proved to be poignantly true twice. God kept me alive for a reason...God, please help me to discern the right thing to do!

The Illumination of Scripture

Aiiee! So much to blog about...so many half-baked thoughts that I haven't translated to English yet! Ah, well. Since blogging last, I've failed to blog about Zambia, fractured my fibula, gotten violently ill, traveled to the Worship God 09 conference and bid "farewell" (of sorts) to an old friend. And did I mention that the Holy Spirit has been mightily at work? Allow me to share some of his workings...

Matthew 4:1-11
Two things can be observed through this passage: The behavior of Christ and of Satan.

• Jesus was following the leading of the Spirit when he went to the wilderness and fasted.
• Satan came uninvited.
• Satan tempted Jesus in three ways:

1. For natural provision (food)
2. To test God’s promise (protection)
3. His faithfulness to God

• Jesus responded the same to all three temptations: With scripture.
• Satan quoted scripture to Jesus as well, but Jesus responded with scripture that was in context.
  
• Conclusion: Know Scripture! How can one wield a sword poorly forged?
  

Romans 7:7-25

"I do not understand my own actions. For I do not do what I want, but I do the very thing I hate. ... Wretched [wo]man that I am! Who will deliver me from this body of death? Thanks be to God through Jesus Christ our Lord! So then, I myself serve the law of God with my mind, but with my flesh I serve the law of sin." (v. 15, 24-25)

James 4:13-17
As I ponder my future and past and present, these verses are particularly poignant. Especially when placed next to some good Proverbs. One moment, I am despairing of ever moving forward. Another, I am tossed about on the winds of indecision. God is indeed my rock, refuge, and shelter.

73 New E-Mails

I have returned to my parents home, with many tales of God's incomprehensible grace to share. Thank you for being part of those stories. I hope to share them soon!

God's Promises

I am currently meditating on God's promises to me. A friend and I were talking, and the topic came up. I teach the 3-5 year-old class in my church's children's ministry, and one of the modules that I taught was on God's promises. It drove home the point that God always keeps his promises, which has been great encouragement to me. But tonight I was wondering exactly what God has promised me, and the few results I've come up with are astonishing. Eternal life, being an heir with Christ, a way out from temptation, gifts of the Holy Spirit, a spirit of power, love, and self-control...the list goes on. And on. I may add to what I know of this list, when it's not 1 AM the day before I leave for Zambia. Which of God's promises do you know about?

Independence Day

Pet peeve: People wishing each other a "happy fourth." You know, the British had a 4th of July, too...not every nation celebrates their independence.

I leave for the African continent in about 60 hours. To celebrate, I'm eating the most American food I can think of...hamburgers, hotdogs, corn on the cob, and chocolate ice cream. The next few days will (hopefully) be full of food I've never tasted before. I'd better eat my fill :-)

May you all have profound thoughts on the definition of "freedom" today.