03 April, 2006

When I Go Down

I'm having a "people hangover." Good weekend...why? God's been showing me sin. I've been changing my priorities. John was here, so that kinda started an impetus to spend time together in the college+Nate crowd, and that was cool. I'm feeling healthier. I had at least one really good/enlightening discussion (late at night as always). I've been anticipating next weekend.

But now what? I'm left unfulfilled. I feel like I just got started with socializing, and now it's time to write a paper and everyone else is too tired to talk anyway. Worship this Sunday was better than usual, but I still feel unfulfilled because I haven't yet faced all the sin God's been showing me.

Where do I go? I don't want to face silence, because that means facing God, and that means uprooting more of my worldly values. But people aren't around to distract myself with...and why don't I want to pursue sanctification, anyway? I had some reason for choosing these worldly values...what was it? I don't want to think about it.

How do I approach people about my sin? I'd love to deepen my relationships with other people, but I don't have the social savvy to know when it's time to goof off and play balderdash or bring up a serious question and get some discussion going. (How do you do that, John?) I always feel selfish when I talk about my sin. I feel selfish now for talking about me in my own blog.

"The very thing that I hate more than everything is the way I'm powerless to dictate my own moods...When I go down, I go down hard. And I take everything I've learned and teach myself some disregard...it hurts to hit the bottom. I've thrown away the secret to find an end to this and I just pray my problems go away if they're ignored but that's not the way it works...Any control I thought I had just slips right through my hands...I confess I'll blame all this on my selfishness yet you love me and that consumes me." (Relient K, "When I Go Down".)

God satisfies. That's where I'm headed.


Bubs said...

Haha, +Nate... :P

Word Verification: fuvwutkm

Laedelas Greenleaf said...

yeah, well, if he isn't yuppie, he's pretty close to it :-)