28 November, 2005


I am swerving through a dim valley
A valley with no view
But upward.

Upward I look to the sun's scowl
Showing the path I chose
Down to depths

Depression's hard hand grips my shoulder
I curse my luck and clime
Why here, now?

I choose against my will to press on
This foot again in front
Weary walking

Now, a hand directs my gaze upward
Again I look for hope
Hope I see

That hand was pierced, scarred for me
It pulls me through the night
Guiding soul

Fear not, for it is with me, it guides
Gently, firmly, with grace
I am whole

No more shall I weep and gnash my teeth
For there is no night here
With the YAH

Oh, Shining hope! Radiant one! YAH!
Where you are, I will be

YAH, glorious
Victorious warrior
You destroy the recalcitrant ones


Laedelas Greenleaf said...

It seems as though my poetry cannot stand for itself, since those who I have asked to critique my poetry have always come back with questions or distaste. Ergo, I provide some insight.

In this poem I chose to use the Latin form of poetry, & focus on number of syllables and alliteration more than rhyme. (notice the 9-6-3 syllable pattern) I chose to use the name of God "YAH," (yes, it is all caps) because I think it gets the closest to describing him than any other name. It means "I AM."

Clear Ambassador said...

"guiding soul" - does that mean God is a soul who guides? Or does it mean He is guiding your soul?

"You destroy the recalcitrant one" - kind of an odd way to end your poem. Didn't strike me as a fitting cap.. a fitting taste to leave in the reader's mouth at the end of the poem. Unless that was your point, and was intended.

Other than those two, it struck me as good! The words didn't rigorously rhyme, but there was flow and continuity, and some repetitiveness ("guiding soul" - "I am whole"). What makes it a poem is not so much the rhyme, or even the syllabic pattern (though that's subtly quite cool), but the fact that your word choices are measured and purposeful, and they convey more than merely the words themselves. "This foot again in front/Weary walking" - very nice!

Maybe latin poetry would be worth checking out!... someday when I have like hours and hours of time blowing out all over the place.

Laedelas Greenleaf said...

The words I had originally chose for "It pulls me through the night/guiding my soul", but the last part didn't fit the pattern. So I figured I'd leave it as an ambiguous statement.

I wanted to end the poem on a strong note, & I had just been reading stuff about God's wrath, & how people pin the "bad stuff" on God, not Jesus (making a name distinction there) for some reason, ignoring the fact that Jesus and God are one. So, rather than ending with me (since I am not strong in any sense), I ended with YAH's power. When I worship God, I seem to move from focusing on his grace to focusing on his power and...God-ness. That naturally became part of my poem, I guess.

Thanks for the encouragement! Def. check out some Latin Greats...but not in English, of course. That would just ruin it. Whenever you do have time blowing all over the place (like heaven), get one of those books that has the Latin on one page and the English on another. It's fun to study the flow of words. Greek poetry is really fascinating, but unfortunately I don't know the language.