13 October, 2005


Does anyone else my age feel old, and worn-out, and visionless? I had a vision, it seemed, but it fades and I can hardly see through the present to the future dream. I had energy, it seemed, but daily cares and worries have sapped my best strength and most worthy efforts from me, until it seems that my efforts are frittered away. I had youth, once, but how am I to regain it again? Oh, God, WHY AM I HERE?

Where is my passion? My life? My calling? My hopes? Dreams? My purpose? My fire, my yearning for a higher good and a better ending?

Why am I obsessed with my wants and needs? All I ever needed is right here with me. Oh, God, be thou my vision. You are Lord of my heart. Let nothing be to me as you are. You have always been my best thought, no matter when I thought it. Your presence is like light to me. Oh, God, be my wisdom, and let me speak your truth! Let me be with you always, as you are always with me. Let me be as true a daugher to you as you have been a great Father to me. You live within me, and I am one with you. I do not care about riches or praise from men. You, God, are and always have been my inheritance. You and you alone are my first priority. You, O King of heaven, have been my treasure. O High King, you have won my victories! May I reach heaven's joys and heaven's bright Son! Your heart is of my own heart. Whatever may happen, O God, be my vision still, O Ruler of All.


this one too is wrought said...

Yes, I have felt worn out.
The solution you already seem to grasp: it is to lift up your eyes and "look to him"--"those who look to him are radiant" (Psalm 34:5). The solution is to choose to "smile upon the future" and remember its potency is not determined by our vision and energy but independently of them--it's determined by the grace of God.

Laedy, I'm excited about the awesome work God's grace is shaping in you.

Laedelas Greenleaf said...

Hmm, "the future's good, the future's bright, so darling laugh at the future today and tonight," eh? Thank you for your encouragement, fellow human sinner.

I LOVE the nickname Laedey!!

J. Paul Behrens said...

What was your vision? What was your passion? What was your calling, back when you had energy and vision?

You're a 20-year-old working your way through college, living with one of the greatest families I've ever known, integrated into the greatest church I've ever known, and headed down a road where "Goodness and mercy will follow you all the days of your life." And you'll live in the house of the Lord forever. Perhaps it's just a dumb thing to say, but I kinda think you don't have to have your life figured out, or even feel a specific, emotionally potent "vision," to be happy (or joyful, if that sounds less flippant). You're in a good place, both eternally and temporally. God's walking you through exactly what He wants you to walk through, and as you chug about your daily responsibilities, meeting the needs and demands and desires of the hour, day, week and semester, He is pleased, because you're living out the life He has planned for you.

From where I stand, you've got much much to take heart in, now and forevermore :-)

--John Bing (speaking of new nicknames)

Laedelas Greenleaf said...

You know, John, my first reaction to your comment was "of course I had plans for the future!" But as I think about it some more (and about the intent of those questions...I have a feeling the were rhetorical), I think it's just my pride banging against the will of God. Thanks for pointing out my unique situation in life and where I stand in relation to eternity. It's hard to keep that in mind while I'm walking through this valley.