March 30th Was A Long Time Ago...

...considering the speed of the internet. However, at the consistent encouragement of iJosh, I am now on Twitter. Fo now, I am pointing my words at this webpage.

Tonight I visited another fencing club and had a terrible performance in the midst of serious, experienced fencers. I enjoyed the competition, but am frustrated with the mental block between what I know and what I do. Kinda like how I'm helpless before spiritual enemies. I've been meditating on Psalm 116 a lot recently (and Psalm 27). How appropriate to tie my physical weaknesses to my spiritual weaknesses. Even in "fair" competition, I am helpless without my Lord.

Words escape me, so allow me to paint a picture. I'm driving home from fencing, disappointed in myself and asking God why. The David Crowder Band's Church Music album is playing, and the lyrics break through my confusion.

"O grant us reprieve from the fighting

So we just rest our head on the shoulder of the One!"

I can't drive any more, because the Spirit has arrested my soul, and road safety is secondary to the One.

"We are loved!

And it's quite enough

That we are loved!"

Those Psalms come to mind, and I thank the Lord, for

"He has heard

my voice and my pleas for mercy."

I recently decided to pursue an even higher education. An education that will allow me to translate the Bible for people groups who have yet to read the Holy Word in their mother tongue. Think of how different your life would be if the Bible were still in Vulgate Latin, and you can imagine their difficulty. God has placed a specific people group on my heart for whom to pray. I can't picture their faces; I don't know how they communicate; but I want to be the lampstand from which the Holy Spirit illuminates the Bible to them. I get goosebumps, thinking about the possibilities.

None of this is possible on my own. Every day, I wake up and rely on the Lord for inspiration and providence and joy.

Staying At Home

My brother shared an interesting article from artofmanliness.com the other day. Most of the article has to do with social norms and one's response to them, but there was a parenthetical quote that caught my attention:

"People often talk about women being stay-at-home moms as the most natural thing, but there can hardly be anything more culturally unnatural than a woman, separated from family and friends, alone with her baby day after day."

Considering that perception of a "stay-at-home" mom, I think I'd flee motherhood, too! But "staying at home" while mothering is hardly confining oneself to Baby's sphere. I have yet to attain motherhood, but I did live with a stay-at-home mom (hi, Mom!), and I can assure you, she probably would have spent more time at home if she could have. Rather, she was herding her ducklings (four of them) around, to lessons and performances and museums and classes and relatives and friends, and generally doing anything she could to expand our world and benefit us. I want to be that kind of mom. I've confined myself to corporate schedules and locales before, and would much rather have the freedom of "home-bound" life. All this depends somewhat on my family's ability to live within our means, and the lion's share of that burden will, most likely, rest on the father. But, you know, he doesn't necessarily have to restrict himself to corporate
demands, if he builds his own business...

Disclaimer: The original article had nothing to do with parenting and everything to do with social norms. This phrase caught my attention because I am female and am drawn to feminine topics, not because I think the author was wrongly judging another's lifestyle. Please don't judge the website because of my analysis of one phrase :-) The little I've read seems intriguing and beneficial, it's just that I'm not a man, so I find it more amusing than otherwise.

Also, apologies for my lack of online presence. Jake, my trusted computer of five years, has a weak connection somewhere in his logic board. I'm looking for a replacement. Let me know if you want computer parts, and/or if you are selling a Macbook :-)

Galatians 6:9-10

Let us not grow weary of doing good, for in due season we will reap if we do not give up. So then, as we have opportunity, let us do good to everyone and especially to those who are of the household of faith.
~Galatians 6:9-10

It amazes me how God is constantly by my side, speaking to me and guiding me. The verse above (in lyrical form, thanks to Mark Altrogge) and the song Divine Romance by Phil Wickham have been replaying in my mind all of today. For that, I am grateful.

Recent events have conspired against my plans. I decide that, yes, I will take concrete steps toward international deaf missions, and outline future plans on paper. Guess what happens next. Temptation, of course. Temptation in a form I couldn't imagine and certainly didn't expect. Temptation in the form of a friend...who wants to move beyond friendship.

I agree with him on some levels. On a superficial level, and even a personality level, we could form a good team with a little work. However, there's a level that finds people in their nightmares, in their daydreams, in the moments when all is lost or everything is gained. It is at that level that we are not compatible. I love this man as a friend, and yearn for his salvation. But I know it would be foolish to yoke myself to an unbeliever. The relationship he desires would only distract me from the One I hold Most Dear, and the purpose for which I am on Earth.

It is what I think I want, but not how I want it... or perhaps some of what I want, but not good enough. Like the Israelites in the wilderness who were tired of manna and cried for meat.

I thank him who has given me strength, Christ Jesus our Lord, because he judged me faithful, appointing me to his service, though formerly I was a blasphemer, persecutor, and insolent opponent. But I received mercy because I had acted ignorantly in unbelief, and the grace of our Lord overflowed for me with the faith and love that are in Christ Jesus. The saying is trustworthy and deserving of full acceptance, that Christ Jesus came into the world to save sinners, of whom I am the foremost. But I received mercy for this reason, that in me, as the foremost, Jesus Christ might display his perfect patience as an example to those who were to believe in him for eternal life. To the King of ages, immortal, invisible, the only God, be honor and glory forever and ever. Amen.
~1 Timothy 1:12-17

God, may I prove true to the challenge you have set before me. Set my feet upon a rock! I feel the firey darts of Apollyon whizzing past my ear--protect me, Lord, and guide my sword in the attack. Thank you for bringing to my attention the dangers to both myself and my friend.

Um, don't follow that last link if you're sensitive to foul language.

Some scripture that the Holy Spirit illuminated during this battle (:

Ephesians 6:10-18
Ephesians 5:15- 21
James 1:22-26
**This is why the Bible needs interpreting. How else could I fight if I did not know my Sword?
Romans 10:5-17
Romans 7:7-25
Ephesians 3:14-21
Ephesians 4:17-32
Hebrews 12:1-2
(Shoutout to my new pastors, who preached through Ephesians last year. It helped a lot--thanks, guys!)

I want YOU!

At every turn God is challenging me. "Will you choose me, or the world?" He seems to ask.

You, Lord! You alone! Help me in my unbelief. Remove from me the fear of man. Though I know the process will be painful, I yearn to be free from what you do not require. I know that pain is temporary. Put light on your scripture, Spirit, and show me the way.

NAMM

I am very jealous of this guy. Also, I start doing tech at my "new" church tomorrow. Yay? We shall see how it goes :-) I'm very excited to see what I can learn from working with a new system and under the tutelage of Scott T.

Potential

Sometimes you don't even realize what you had until what might have been is no longer. "Could be" becomes "can not be." What do you take for granted?

I tend to take relationships for granted. This became glaringly apparent when I moved. I had the honor of witnessing two individuals unite in matrimony today, and was contemplating how that relationship would change every other relationship in their lives. Lifestyle changes have affected many of my friendships.

How grateful I am that my relationship with God will always be changing--for the better!

I Just Wanna Grow Up

Over the past few days, I've realized something. Growing up seems to involve growing hard and cold, jaded by the world's connivery. Did I just make up a word? Possibly...

I don't remember the first time I ever read I Corinthians 9, but I've held it up as a guideline for creating a Christian lifestyle. If I could describe my character, I'd use the word "flexible." I try to fit into most circumstances, befriend most people, for the chance I may be able to demonstrate the gospel to someone.

For though I am free from all, I have made myself a servant to all, that I might win more of them. To the Jews I became as a Jew, in order to win Jews. To those under the law I became as one under the law (though not being myself under the law) that I might win those under the law. To those outside the law I became as one outside the law (not being outside the law of God but under the law of Christ) that I might win those outside the law. To the weak I became weak, that I might win the weak. I have become all things to all people, that by all means I might save some. I do it all for the sake of the gospel, that I may share with them in its blessings.
~I Corinthians 9:19-23

What is "character?" I decided today that character is defined by lines. Moral lines that delineate good from evil. Defensive lines that protect oneself from people of ill intent. Lines that show one's past. Lines leading to possible futures. These lines build on each other, forcing one's character into an increasingly rigid form. This process is certainly not harmful, but why do we have so many lines? Are certain lines necessary to be "grown up," "mature," or "attractive?" Should I constrain myself to appear more acceptable to others? Sometimes it seems I cannot remain "myself" while continuing to grow up in the world's eyes.

Bluesy Christmas

Desiring God recently published an article about Post-Christmas Melancholy that I enjoyed, even though my Christmas was far from melancholy. Maybe you will too? :-)

I'm So Excited!

EEEK! How will I be able to wait until 2011 for THIS? *sighs of rapture*

As The Ruin Falls

All this is flashy rhetoric about loving you.
I never had a selfless thought since I was born.
I am mercenary and self-seeking through and through:
I want God, you, all friends, merely to serve my turn.

Peace, re-assurance, pleasure, are the goals I seek,
I cannot crawl one inch outside my proper skin:
I talk of love --a scholar's parrot may talk Greek--
But, self-imprisoned, always end where I begin.

Only that now you have taught me (but how late) my lack.
I see the chasm. And everything you are was making
My heart into a bridge by which I might get back
From exile, and grow man. And now the bridge is breaking.

For this I bless you as the ruin falls. The pains
You give me are more precious than all other gains.

~ Clive Staples Lewis

This is the poem my dad referenced in his comment on my post previous. Thanks, Pop :-)

Epiphany 2.0

Yesterday I had a nice long chat with my pastor and his wife about Wycliffe Bible Translators. It was humbling and effective. I wanted to hear that I was perfect for the role and should continue in my happy way, but they probed deeper than I thought and shone light on potential problems I'd not anticipated.

Today I realized I needed to take my mind off the trivial stresses I'm currently experiencing and realize there is something beyond me that I cannot fix because Jesus is the only One who can. Rather than watching Batman Begins again, I read Called To Die by Steve Estes. It's a biography of Chet Bitterman, a linguist who worked for Wycliffe and died because of his work translating the Bible. I'm on page 116, and the thought hit me; Can I be motivated for work as a Wycliffe linguist? Jeff and Jo Smothermom (whose stories I was reading) were translating when asked to serve WBT in supportive roles. They hesitated because of their passion for the people for whom they worked. I'd be happy to serve, but could I serve as wholeheartedly and specifically as they? My pastor asked me why I wanted to translate, and the answer I gave was "so I could glorify God and enjoy him forever." Not incorrect, but way too prescripted. I am not motivated to study and fundraise for months before knowing the people for whom I'd be translating.

Dear God, please give me patience on this journey. Give me faces to identify, souls to reach, a culture to learn and a community to become part of so that I may glorify you and, with the help of the Spirit, to illumine the Scriptures to those unreached.

Thanks Be

To God our Father, for his blessings are numerous.  His mercies endure forever.

Who can count his benefits?  Show me, if you can, the limits of his grace.

A new song I sing to my LORD, a song of gratitude and praise.  May my lifelong praise be as incense to him!

Small Epiphanies

"Truly, I have brought you low, in order that I may lift you up."

On Saturday I attended a recruiting event for Wycliffe Bible Translators, and found lots to love. While driving home the gravity of the opportunity came to bear on my heart. Should I leave (for two years? Five? Thirty?), I'd give up so much. Relationships would change in even more significant ways than they have since my last relocation. I'd give up my self-sufficient pride; in order to do this, I'd need to live off of the generosity of friends and supporters. I'd give up the opportunity to dance with a ministry I love. The weight of such things (most of them good gifts of God) began to pull me away from my desire for ministry. For the first time in memory, I wanted a "normal" life. I didn't even consider how I might minister here; I just wanted comfort. I knew it was wrong, and prayed for sanctification.

Wednesday was the worst day yet at my new job. Working overtime is fine, except when you've been working long hours for weeks, and your bosses are overstressed and show it, and your faults are not handled gracefully. A flicker of a thought came to mind...if I joined Wycliffe, I could escape this pressure cooker. I knew this thought was preposterous.

If I join Wycliffe and water the seeds that others have planted, it will be by God's grace alone. I cannot be motivated by comfort, or escapism, or a sense of adventure. I have a Commission, and it is calling me toward Wycliffe. I may not join or go overseas, and if I do it won't be for a while, but I am called. What can I do but follow?

"Scatter Post," As Samurai Might Say

It's been entirely too long since I posted last. So sorry.

1) A happy birthday to my dear friend, whom I've nicknamed Aragorn.
2) Tomorrow I am participating in an event which may lead to further involvement in Wycliffe Bible Translators. Prayer would be appreciated.
3) Yesterday I approached my boss about a situation at work which, to me, was immoral. This was the hardest thing I've done in a while, considering the situation was hardly a problem to most of my coworkers. By the grace of God, our conversation went well and hopefully a solution will prevent itself soon. I'd rather not quit, though am (of course) willing to do so rather than compromise my morals. Thanks be to my heavenly father, who is willing and able to sustain and guide me toward his perfect goodness.

Conversations

Sometimes, conversations take place over extended periods of time. Tonight, I just continued one such conversation with an artist I admire greatly, Makoto Fujimura. If you have the inclination, feel free to peruse his side of our most recent conversation. My side will (hopefully) begin in a few days, but first I have lots to think about. My company recently threw out quite a few canvases that my roommates and I rescued. I've covered half a dozen in gesso, and they wait in the basement for a creative mind and some paint. I plan to begin by recreating a horridly constructed painting of mine from high school, a sunset, because it will allow me to brush up (ha, ha...) on my painting techniques and the color wheel. After that, I hope to take a sketch I created about spiritual warfare and paint that. Mako's discussion of Rouault's spirituality has stirred up those ideas regarding art and faith which I love so much. My artwork will benefit as a result.

I Have A Blog?!

Oh, yeah, the Blog! So much for Sunday Summaries. Well, here's a summary of the past 3 Sundays: Awesome. 'Cos God was there. Anyway, I read something from Chuck Colson at FCA-Doing Sports God's Way that I thought may be beneficial to you all.

Pastor Chuck Swindoll, accepting a Lifetime Achievement Award at Catalyst 09, offered the following lessons he has learned:

1. It’s lonely to lead. Leadership involves tough decisions. The tougher the decision, the lonelier it is.
2. It’s dangerous to succeed. I’m most concerned for those who aren’t even 30 and are very gifted and successful. Sometimes God uses someone right out of youth, but usually he uses leaders who have been crushed.
   
3. It’s hardest at home. No one ever told me this in Seminary.
4. It’s essential to be real. If there’s one realm where phoniness is common, it’s among leaders. Stay real.
   
5. It’s painful to obey. The Lord will direct you to do some things that won’t be your choice. Invariably you will give up what you want to do for the cross.
6. Brokenness and failure are necessary.
7. Attitude is more important than actions. Your family may not have told you: some of you are hard to be around. A bad attitude overshadows good actions.
8. Integrity eclipses image. Today we highlight image. But it’s what you’re doing behind the scenes.
9. God’s way is better than my way.
10. Christlikeness begins and ends with humility.

Challenges

Sometimes, life comes at you fast. This past month has been one of those times. Going from one challenge to another messes with one's priorities. Example: Job challenges are far below spiritual challenges. As you may know, I've recently been fighting the good fight (or Fight, as it may be) to a different (higher?) degree. Yesterday, I Peter 5:7 came to mind as I was praying for the various trials of friends and family. I was (am) unable to bear up under such things; fortunately I am not required to carry even the weight of my own sin. Today I was talking with Galadriel while finishing gluten-free cookies for my Faerie roommate. We began with Keith Green and wandered all over the topics of fatalism, ideology, predestination, spiritual warfare, Eastern religion, sociology...you get the picture. I was challenged that my standard was not high enough. I see that I've taken the perspective of "well, I'm doing all I can so that must be enough." I also see that the perspective I should (and have) had is, to put it very simply, "nothing I do is good enough. God does all. Follow Him." Galadriel brought up Romans 14:23b and challenged me. I was challenged. I searched the phrase "sober minded" in the ESV, and was particuarly struck by I Peter 5:8, a good follow-up to the verse I mentioned earlier (link). I will commit these verses to memory. I will spend more time in my prayer closet. By the grace of God...

Sunday Summaries Return

Some of my (very) long-time readers may remember the Sunday Summaries of the past. I've decided to renew the (almost) tradition. Ergo, the following post.

Today, my new church (what a bittersweet thought) celebrated their 25th year of existence. The sermon is not yet available, but you can find it here at some point soon. Video would be fantastic, since a lot of the service involved testimonies and drama etc. Regardless, I had a few notes I'd like to share.

• John 15:1-11 came to mind at some point (don't remember the context). And then this word came... "Pray this would happen to Covenant of Grace! We are being pruned ...will we prove ourselves abiding in Christ? Only then will we bear fruit & survive the fire."
  
• During J. Reyes' message, I heard the promise that God never lies. How refreshing!
• The skit that illustrated the last 25 years of this church involved a part reflecting on the charismatic attitude during worship. I responded in my notebook with "I miss my charismatic roots! How countercultural can that be now, in a well-groomed age that has all the "answers" (i.e. Google)?
  

Recipes

Well! What with all this "extra" time I have in my schedule after work, I've been making lots of sweet stuff with one of my housemates (not sure what to call him...working on that). Today we made Bailey's Truffle Fudge, and I highly recommend it. Before that we made ginger cookies and have made plenty of chocolate chip cookies too. I'm currently searching for a recipe for gluten-free chocolate chip cookies for my other housemate (the Faerie). Any suggestions?

Job Search = Over

Today I finally deleted all 4 job searches I had with Monster.com. Whew! There were times I thought I'd never disconnect from that website. I've had those searches going since February and March, and it paid off :-) Much thanks to God our Father, who provides to each in turn!