Waiting For Daylight To Break...

I am restless, and am ignoring the packing that needs to be done. There's a lot I haven't said on this blog lately, though there's a huge draft waiting to be posted. Ahh. Writing, how I miss thee. Here are sundry things I'd like to mention before I head off to a huge conference.

One of my jobs (caretaking) has become a blessing. Through it, I've learned of my own incredible selfishness and how easy it is to get my blood boiling. Great! New ways to see God's work in my life! The job has gone from painful to refreshing. Thanks, God.

I quit the sub shop. For multiple reasons. I think I could be classified as a workaholic...

Rte. 19 was repaved recently, or at least the part between the malls was. I was the first to drive on the new concrete. It was like driving on silk. So cool, yet so expensive...

The Night The Elf Turned Emo

Apparently, folks, elves can and will become emo. This weekend has been a defined trough in my emotional state. Despite many things. I have the suspicion this is because of vitamin deficiency, but we'll find out. Regardless, it doesn't justify the angry behavior I've had for a few days. Tonight, after finishing my taxes (ironically), I began to think about the spiritual aspect of being depressed. I've started to realize I get depressed when I'm very inactive (like what happened in January of this year), which is usually the result of sickness or injury. But I think I've also been depressed because I have devoted 0% of my time to God.

Duh, Laedelas. "Cut" by Plumb started to play on iTunes tonight, and I was astonished. First of all, because I didn't know this song was on my playlist. Second, because (except for the physical violence) the song described a lot of my emotions. The second verse "hit the spot," so to speak. I began to think about the implications of my depression, because I was relishing it. The phrase "crippled anger" humbled me. I am God's, am I not? Why should I be drowning myself in my sin?

Then I got emo. Because of the pirate party (post is upcoming), I had bought two pencils of black eyeliner at the $1 store. I hadn't used it at the party, but it came in handy tonight. I used them on paper, though, not skin. I hashed through my emotions in art, which I haven't done in a long time. The creative forces hammered at my mind in ways they haven't for years. I ended up with 6 pictures, and I cheated 'cos I used a stick of bright red pastel.

I must say, eyeliner pencils are great for drawing, they just need to be sharpened constantly.
I went through one and a half pencils. Maybe some day I'll scan the pictures and describe their meaning.

#1: Condemnation
This describes how I feel when I'm depressed. There's a bottomless pit of black, heavy air, and I'm chained to prevent resistance. The descent is painful and inevitable. Thus the wild black scribblings. If this picture had an accompanying music clip, it would be screaming.

#2: Resignation.
I drew this, describing how I wallowed in my depression and gave myself to my sin. After I finished, I realized what I was doing, and drew a thick line through it with the word "no!" at the end of the line. I didn't want to rest here in any sense.

#3: Redemption.
This one shows a red hand, reaching toward my hands, and the chains pulling apart. The shading didn't exactly turn out, but it looks explosive. That's the point.

#4: Redemption part I:
The title should have been "Justification," but I think I was so happy about the redemptive picture that I forgot. The girl is dressed in white, with arms stretched out, twirling in the black air. Her heart is red, showing vivacity. This picture shows two ideas: Freedom and life.

#5: Redemption part II:
A white hand holds the broken chains and is surrounded by a haze of red. The red haze and the blurriness of "Redemption" is meant to show pain. This hand, the hand of God, took my chains and owned them. This is why it's justification...I am now free, dressed in white, with a new life, and God has paid for the change with his own life and comfort. His pain is my gain.

#6: Sanctification.
The girl, dressed in white, still has a red heart. She is still standing in the black air, but sees a solid, real way out of it. This is represented by the straight line. It's hazy on one side, still, because the way is narrow, like the edge of a knife. She must walk this line, which Christ laid down, to become more like him and lose the darkness.

Eddimakayshun

On March 22, I blogged about my future. Boundless has, once again, given me more fuel to feed my passion for an unexeptional career. In Dreaming The Right Dreams, Drew Dyck talks about career dreams.

As a student, I found it to be very encouraging. People often tell me to do what I love to do, but I think I'd love to be a mother, and I'm not going to do that yet. I love my physical therapy aide job, but I shouldn't do that forever. I'd love more education in that field, but I can't jump through the academic hoops. It's somewhat frustrating to know that I could do physical therapy, I just can't do the schooling. I mean, technically I could, but only if I quit coaching, quit spending so much time with church activities, quit my job(s), and had absolutely no social life. I'm not willing to do that for a Doctorate of Physical Therapy.

If you don't already have a "career," I'd encourage you to read the whole article. But this was my favorite paragraph:

"The difficulty about examining unrealistic dreams is that it flies in the face of our dream-obsessed culture. From a thousand different directions we're encouraged to pursue our dreams against all odds and at any cost. That kind of thinking might be OK if our dreams were realistic — or at least accompanied by second and third options. But often they are not."

Realizing that I couldn't do everything I wanted to do really hurt. Last Spring, when I realized I wouldn't be doing PT school immediately after graduation, I had an incredibly difficult time sacrificing that dream to God's greater plan. Now, I am thanking God that he had another academic plan (Linguistics) laid out for me before I knew I needed it.

Guitar Hero

Switchfoot just released their new music video. Unfortunately, I haven't been able to digest their new album, but of all the snippets I've heard, this song seems to be one of the best. And they involved my two favorite video games! I laughed at how funny the video was when the music is somewhat serious (I think). All of the animation of the video game was frame-by-frame. Sweet! Also, that outfit the chick was wearing was so cool, though you'll probably never see it on me :-P Enjoy...

Love, Actually

Song of Solomon.

What comes to mind? The picture of a perfect union? A book in the Bible that was incredibly embarrassing when first you stumbled upon it in your adolescence?

"Do not stir up or awaken love until it pleases."
This phrase is mentioned three times in this book about love as God designed it (here, here, and here). Each time, the phrase is adjured to "daughters." I think that message is pretty clear and direct, don't you?

Since today is the day that my church chooses to celebrate the resurrection of Jesus Christ, I've been thinking about the love that drove Jesus to the cross, then empowered him to regain life. That's some intense love. I've experienced his love in many practical ways today. Grace to wake up early and serve my church joyfully. Nourishment that was pleasing to my eyes and palate. Family members who provoke my growth. Friends who enjoy my presence. However, on the way home from (yet) another time with friends, I saw a picture of the "love" that the world portrays as best. I failed miserably at controlling the radio in the car, so through music I realized the depravity of even well-intentioned men, and the disgusting perversity of those who relish their sinful ways.

Lately, I've been realizing how widespread sexual sin is among people who aren't in the least ready for marriage, specifically those who are still in school. Why have we divorced the idea that intimacy goes hand-in-hand with commitment, and that intense preparation precedes them both? Why is it so easy to desire relationships that I know I cannot commit to, or that I'm not ready for?

Well, duh. Satan knows our weak spots, and so constructs a culture for young adults that's swimming in debauchery, with a twisted view of what God created to be perfect. I've tried to avoid this in what pictures I willingly see, but I think I've allowed myself to listen to music that compromises the integrity of my thought. The music itself may present God's plan for love in a negative or positive light, but regardless, I shouldn't be listening to it. I am not in a relationship that would allow me to enjoy such music without tempting me to sin. So, I've come up with a few categories by which I will be judging the music I hear.

• DISGUSTING: There is absolutely no redeeming value in music of this kind. Unfortunately, a lot of rap and hip-hop can be categorized here. It may be fun, but is anything but worthwhile (I'm not throwing these genres out the window, and they are by no means the only genres to produce such music. I'm forced to play off a stereotype to illustrate my point.)
• WORTHWHILE, BUT NOT YET: Music that illustrates a facet or two of the love that God presents in Song of Solomon, but facets to which I should not look. Unfortunately, many of my favorite songs fall into this category. "Closing In" by Imogen Heap is a good example. Some day, I could see myself on a road trip with my husband, and it's late at night, and this song will start to play...and therein lies the problem. I can't be thinking about such situations! Time for that will come! I don't want to kill the anticipation of romance before it actually gets here. I have a playlist in iTunes titled "Not-Yet Love," and I intend to put such songs in that playlist and leave them there until it pleases God to awaken such emotions.
  
• WRITTEN JUST FOR MY SITUATION: These songs are about love, but through some amazing design of God, don't tempt me to think of romance. Songs like "Carry You" by Rebecca St. James, or "You Are Mine" by Mute Math. Many of them, I've noticed, can be applied directly to my relationship with God, though I could see them as romantic songs when the time comes. Thank God for these songs. I love listening to them because of their encouraging nature. Through these songs, I can begin to recognize what God's design for love is, without falling into the trap of worldly lusts. I've grouped these in a playlist titled, simply, "Love."
  

I think this system may help me to keep my thoughts clean and my actions pure. Unfortunately, I can't choose what I hear all of the time, but having such a classification system will help me to recognize temptation and resist it.

Why am I telling you this? I'm hoping that my experiences might somehow encourage you. If you're married, enjoy the romance :-) If you aren't in a romantic relationship, perhaps you'll be encouraged to keep your mind pure. If you're considering such a relationship, I know plenty of songs with which you could woo your beloved :-P

Whirlwind NE American tour, part II

Well! Last weekend I went to Harrisburg with my brother and two great friends. This was one of the best road trips I've had in a while. There were a few disappointments which were due to physical injuries, but I got over that. On Thursday I fenced epee with my baby epeeists and got hammered pretty well, and ended up with multiple bruises and two cuts. My pants somehow survived, but someone lunged against me with such force that it broke skin and my whole quadricep was swollen. On Friday my friends asked if I was running the 10K race that weekend, and I said no and referenced the holes in my leg. "Holes in your leg? Ha!" They made a lot of jokes about holes after that. They still are.

Kayte, Mike, John, and I were destined for Kayte's familial abode (of Debra Bell fame). At the beginning of the trip, John got a call from a number he didn't recognize. Someone offered him a job. How sweet! Nice touch on the weekend, God! On the way there we laughed for most of the trip. John invented a song for Kristen's (Kayte's sister) birthday. It was nice having a real guitar plucking around instead of a stereo. It was much easier to listen to people's voices. John also brought his "torpedo pen" that folded out. He occasionally snapped it at my ear, alternately scaring, surprising, and annoying me. Kayte started to keep a score between John and I to decide who could annoy the other most.

The first night we were there, the boys went for a jog. Kayte and I threw a blanket on the ground outside to lay on and watched the sky and talked. We went to bed and talked while the guys talked in the family room. The next morning Mr. Bell made breakfast for Kayte and me before we headed to a meeting on the gift of prohecy.

I am pretty sure I don't have the Spiritual gift of prophecy. Once every few years I'll think of a verse that may bless the congregation I'm with, but it's not consistent enough for me to consider it a "gift." However, at the prophecy meeting, I had Isaiah 40:28-31 for a woman who was receiving a prophetic word. I knew she had a disease, but found that it was osteoporosis and knew God wanted to reach her through that. I asked Mr. Prater if he thought the verses were appropriate, but couldn't read them from my tiny pocket-sized Bible. I read them to him. My voice was shaking, so I'm not sure if people got what I was saying, but God can do cool things with such failures on my part, so I'm happy!

At the prophecy meeting I was praying for a friend named Erin when Frank walked up to me. Frank was on the prophecy team that was visiting from Philly. He said he didn't have a word for me, but wanted to pray for me anyway. I'm so glad he did. In his prayer, he mentioned a lot of things but I remember mostly that he prayed that I would be a blessing to my father, since we share such a special relationship. I loved that, and hope I will take his words into consideration when I'm dealing with my father.

They prayed corporately for people who felt weary in their service to God. Yeah, that's me. I know the Holy Spirit has gifted me with a servant's heart, but sometimes it is really hard to use that gift. Saturday evenings get bittersweet when I remember I need to wake up at 6:45, but it's 2 AM and we're still having a lot of fun. Regardless of when I actually go to sleep, it is hard to discipline myself to wake early enough to get sufficiently ready for a church service when I'm the only church member I know who gets up at that time on a Sunday morning. The actual service, i.e. spending time setting up the sound system or BS stuff isn't bad, even if it's only my Dad and I. So I was prayed for in that area as well. John later encouraged me to foster a more grateful attitude toward serving, with a lack of pride and cynicism. I'll be praying that God gives me grace for waking up early, and that I will serve in secret joyfully. I need to be grateful for my alarm clock, and view my Sunday AM routine as service to the church. I also need to trust that God will provide for sufficient sleep and healthy sleep patterns during the rest of the week.

My brother also was prophesied over, though I didn't get to hear most of it. It seemed he was encouraged, though, so I am glad he was able to come. I did a lot of silent prayer from my seat. As I was praying, I was considering what actually was happening. Mostly encouragement and prayer. Why don't I do that more often with friends? I can see growth in their life that they may not see--can't I purposefully pray and encourage them to their faces, instead of only praying in private? That was cool. It was also cool to see total strangers describing situations in other peoples' lives, based solely on a word from God. It's another way to show that he really does know us intimately, and cares for us.

After lunch we went for a hike with Kayte's father, sister, John, and Erin. Mike went for an interview. The hike was very fun. I love trailblazing, and we frequently lost the trail and did whatever we felt like doing. I got a lot of scratches from thornbushes and John got a tick, but I think that was the worst experience. John got a lot of ManPoints on that hike. Mr. Bell was generally in the lead, so whenever we reached a particularly wide stream or got tangled in thorns, John was there to offer a hand or bushwhack us out. We talked a lot, too, despite the occasionally loud, crunchy leaves. Kayte's full of good questions and interesting experiences!

Dinner was Lebanese (not LEE-ban-ease, but LEB-an-ease, apparently) food. Good stuff. We debated over watching a movie or playing ping-pong, and ended up playing ping-pong. Kayte tried really hard to beat John, and John kinda tried to shut her out. Neither happened, but it was fun to watch! Later, John got that Songwriting Look on his face (he was also playing the guitar, which was another sign). Kayte and I headed upstairs soon after that.

Sunday morning was weird, because I didn't wake up while it was dark :-P Church was great. I'm glad I didn't think to focus too much on the sound system, otherwise I probably would have been distracted from the songs. Mr. Prater preached on I Thessalonians 2:1-8. More evangelism! Great! I love that stuff. I took quite a few notes. From conversation afterward, I gathered that the phrase "Don't invent, look to include" had a big impact on how people viewed evangelism. I thought of quite a few people whom I could evangelize more, and some people who I don't know if I could evangelize. I'm still trying to figure out what to do with those relationships.

Right after church we took off for the 10K race. We got hit in the parking lot of Giant, though we were sitting still and had been for quite some time. That was interesting. I didn't run, but I cheered and took pictures. One of Kayte's friends, Lauren, was there to cheer as well, and I discovered that she fenced epee. That was cool! We talked about that for quite a while. Being at the finish line was the best part. John was first, Mike was after Gabe, and Destiny beat Kayte. The lady pushing a stroller beat everyone but John, which was funny and inspiring at the same time. Kayte and Gabe finished really strong. People seemed pretty elated after the race. As we were leaving, though, Destiny's mom busted a tire. Lots of odd car incidents, er, accidents, there.

The runners all took showers when we got home. I played about an hour of frisbee with some kids who are part of Gabe's Bible study. While they were in the basement, I ate pizza for dinner and chatted with the Bell family, Lauren, and Cameron (Kristen's famous boyfriend). We celebrated Kristen's birthday with a few cakes and presents. John sang the song he wrote for her. Nice wink during the song, John! Mike gave her a box full of packing peanuts and a Chik-fil-A cow, complete with a parachute. Cameron seemed to enjoy that more than Kristen. I wonder why :-P

On Sunday night I was in the mood for massage. So I rubbed Kayte and Mike down, then got hand massages from John. I enjoy doing that so much. I think I irritated Mike's upper Trap muscles, but he didn't complain. I found this sweet muscle that goes from behind the ear to under the clavicle on Kayte, but I have no idea what it's called. I should find out.

Monday morning was pretty relaxed. Kayte and I discussed plans for fabric shopping. John was expecting a call from his potential employers on Monday morning, so when we discovered the soot on the bottom of the chandelier, he promptly used it to draw dark lines under his eyes to prep for the big talk. Some time after that we went to the fabric store. It was pretty funny watching the guys run around, picking out hypothetical Youth Camp team colors and laughing at weird prints. Mike asked if he looked good with bright blue velvet (I think he'd look better in black or brown, personally). Kayte and I took a while to make our selections, then asked for the guys' opinions. They shot down our selections, which turned out to be a good idea because one of the fabrics we chose was $9/yard. Ow.

We got home, ate lunch, and chatted with Mrs. Bell. She's one of those unusual people who share my interest in linguistics. She dissed my writing, though I don't think she's ever read it. After hearing that I like to write everything in one sitting, she said, "Well some day I hope you LEARN HOW to write!" I guess there are a lot of ways to write a paper. Mike was playing with a lighter during our convo, and at one point she turned to him and said, "Mike!" He immediately put down the lighter with a goofy, guilty look on his face. He'd guessed what she wanted...that was funny.

On the way home I discovered some rubber bands in the car. I promptly decided to get back at John for his pen trick, and shot him in the chin. Bands flew back and forth, and John successfully blocked one of my shots with a piece of paper. I think Kayte gave me a few points for the rubber band thing, but John was still ahead.

On the way home we talked about our parents, our futures, and the church. Good topics. We all decided that some day it would be sweet to be part of a church plant somewhere. We took turns talking about what we appreciate in our parents, and what we might do differently than them. The guys talked about their careers, since both had gotten job offers over the weekend. Kayte talked about Philly. I would really like to go visit her when she moves there. Oh, and John got another significant phone call. He got subpoenaed! I'm somewhat jealous...

We played Imogen Heap's music in the car, which I love. John definitely won our contest to annoy each other. There are a lot of tunnels on the turnpike, and we'd been trying to hold our breaths through each of them. I'd been sitting in the front seat, somewhat sideways, with my knees on the armrest. While we were in a tunnel, John (who was sitting behind me) started petting my knee with his foot. AHH! Who could hold their breath after something like that? Kayte gave him way too many points for that...but it was pretty good. Kayte got my brother, too. He took a huge gasp as we entered a tunnel, and after about 30 seconds she reached over and slapped him in the stomach. Not only did Mike let go, but after trying not to laugh at his reaction, I couldn't hold it either. Double-whammy for Kayte.

Appropriately, we ended our trek at Chik-fil-A. While we were leaving, I tried to surprise my brother by jumping on his shoulders. This never works. I don't know why I do it. But this time I ended up with a moderately sprained ankle. Ow. That's the worst pain I'd felt in months! I actually got woozy. When we got home, I found that my epee with a Zivkovic grip had arrived! Sweet! So, while everyone else unpacked Kayte's car, I ripped into the box and started playing with my new weapon. John left to head right back East for a vacation with his family, Kayte went "home," and Mike and I crashed.

End of trip. Good trip. Good times. Good friends. Thank God for them! At times like these, I'm astonished at how God uses my circumstances to bless me and show his love. I wonder how this trip will change my friends and me, for I feel that it has. We did a lot of trivial things, but our relationships were strengthened and I don't think God just wanted us to have a fun weekend together. The future, once again, proves to be fascinating.

Whirlwind NE American Tour, Part I

In the next few months, I'll be all over the top right quadrant of my country. (Not Ireland, silly, the real one). Here's the report on the first weekend! (I'm really cheating on the time this was posted, but wanted them to be posted chronologically. Ergo, I cheat. Pardon.)

I had a hard time finding a substitute for my Saturday job this weekend, but God provided. I was working like a bee before we left, and was able to sleep a lot on the way there. I saw my Colorado relatives for the first time in four years. That was cool. They were there because my Uncle Ernie (who owns his own Physical Therapy clinic) does these Primal Reflex Release Technique (PRRT) seminars all over the country.

I was supposed to wake up at 5:30 AM on Saturday to help at Uncle Ernies' seminar, but considering that I couldn't sleep until 2:30 AM, I chose to stay at Uncle Dank's. My little cousins and I decided to walk to the local $1 store, where we made the manager nervous. He greeted us with a Mexican accent, loudly asking, "now yous kids don't mess anyt'ing up, 'kay?" We got laser pointers, gum, and chocolate. Not bad :-)

After lunch we made bits of a music video that never fully materialized. In this video, you can see my brother Matt, my cousins Jordy, John, and Emily. Jordy does his sweet rendition of the dance move called "the Worm."

Dinner was...I forget. But we watched some March Madness basketball on Uncle Dank's 64" HDTV. Honestly, I prefer our projector, but the stereo he had hooked to the TV was SWEET! He even had outside speakers. Nice touch.

On Sunday, I successfully woke in time to attend Uncle Ernie's seminar. He gave me an anatomy book to browse through during class, which was good since most of his presentations went right over my head. So I played around with my face, finding bony structures and muscles, until I was needed. Uncle Ernie had 13 students, so I became a guinea pig for them to try their new techniques. It was fascinating, though I really had no idea what was going on. The basic idea of PRRT (I think) is to counter stress. When people are stressed, they go into the "fight or flight" mentality, which "upregulates" their system and, over time, will cause musculoskeletal pain. Therapists use PRRT to "downregulate" their patients, and eliminate pain that can be tied to stress. I think there are other uses, but this was just a beginner course and I didn't even have the credentials to take the course. But I enjoyed it.

We hung around my Grandma's house that afternoon. I ate a lot of Hershey's kisses while I talked with my aunts and mom. Aunt Karen tried to find out why I'm an insomniac, but couldn't find a cure. Still, it was fun to talk about me :-P

The "grown ups" stayed at Grandma's while my siblings watched the younger cousins at Uncle Dank's. We got the subs pounding and recorded some more sweet dance moves. We jumped on the trampoline for a bit, but soon switched to "Ghosts in the graveyard." That game is really fun, but it's really loud, so I'm glad it ended shortly after dark.

I discovered Guitar Hero that night. I thought Dance Dance Revolution was a cool video game, but this beat it. It's the sweetest video game I've ever played (which isn't saying much). You've got this cheesy little guitar, right, with buttons instead of a fret board and a switch instead of a pickup, and a whammy bar. You pick a song to play, and the screen shows a fretboard and tells you which fret buttons to push and when to "strum" the switch. During the long notes, you can use the whammy bar if you choose. Every once in a while, something called "star power" is available, and you can "rock out" by shaking and tilting the guitar. My cousins call this "feeling the music" and it adds points to your score. By the time I left my uncle's house, I had progressed from playing single notes to "chords." It was sweet! It made me wonder if kids enjoyed that more than actually playing an instrument, though. Kinda sad thought.

We left on Monday afternoon. Aunt Karen invited me to visit them in Colorado, which I'd love to do this summer. Aunt Liz later e-mailed me, saying I'd left some shampoo etc. at her house. Oops! I'm expecting to get it back in the mail any day. Sorry, Aunt Liz!

I have a cool family.

I was supposed to pack tonight...

...instead, I got inspired. I've heard that creative people get inspired while laying down (totally true--if I ever get to be a professional artist, my studio will have a bed or long couch in it), and I'm beginning to think that they often get inspired when something else is pressing for their time. Something that would be more logical to complete before recording one's inspiration...but the inspiration always seems so evanescent the moment it comes. So here I am, laying around and ignoring logic.

Anyway.

My mother and I watched the movie Amazing Grace tonight. I like it. A lot. It showcases two of my personal heroes: John Newton and William Wilberforce. Somehow, I'd never known they were connected. Ian Gruffoldd did a great job showing passion, but also desperation. The scene between him and his wife as he was withdrawing from laudanum addiction is my personal favorite. Mom said it was better the second time through, and I can see why. Characters switch ages and locations quite frequently, and with little warning. I'm planning on getting the DVD eventually, so if any of you want to borrow it, let me know!

When the movie was over, my heart was ignited yet again with a desire to do great things. Ever since I was a child, I've felt destined for something big, whether that be surviving a nasty medical condition or changing society. As a teenager, God taught me to be content in ordinary circumstances, though I haven't stopped dreaming of big things or scaring myself with stories of how I could get sick. Lately, I think I've become comfortable, not just content, with ordinary things. That strikes me as sad. Maybe it's another sign that I'm growing older, but I don't like it.

I rarely read Boundless, but tonight I found an article called Optional Anxiety. My first reaction to it was, "Umm...guys, I can't settle for ordinary." Not that I'm trying to get rich as fast as possible, or be famous or anything, but I can't accept a humdrum future. I'd rather be living on pennies in a third-world country than go where I see many of my peers going. Inspiration came a few minutes later. Maybe the way I can be different is through living for others, such as my family. Like buying diapers instead of Jimmy Choo sandals. Like Susanna Wesley or George Müller.

Sweet! Now I'll have even more "ammunition" for those conversations with people who mean well...
"So, Laedelas, what do you plan on doing after graduation?"
"I'd really like to get married and have children."
"Oh, that's cute!" (said with a condescending smile) "How many do you want to have?"
"My childhood dream was to have twelve, but I'm not going to limit God."
"Whooooa, twelve! You'll definitely want to stop after your first! And besides, children are so expensive these days."
"Well, as I said, I'm not limiting God, so I'll take as many or as few blessings as he chooses to give. And I'm sure God will provide for his children."
...at this point, whoever I'm talking with will probably change the subject. They have in the past when the topic of large families surfaces. :-P

So, Future Self, when you're up late at night and reading blog archives while caring for a sick child or sleepless after a rough day, be encouraged. What you're doing is big and dramatic. Pray that God uses your sacrifices to serve himself.

Clothes

Today, while I was washing clothes, I realized something that I'd consider important enough for a blog post. And then I read a friend's blog, and my realization became even more poignant. Not that it's a big deal...but it was cool.

I don't mind washing clothes. However, as I was washing my pink cashmere sweater in the sink today, I thought, "Self, you've just spent 2 hours dealing with clothes. If we hadn't sinned, that would be 2 free hours to do something else with. Also, you probably wouldn't have bought those clothes last year that now fill your closet."

"Wow, Self!" I responded. "All that money could have been spent elsewhere!"

Just out of curiosity, I looked up how much Americans had spent on the clothing industry last year. Rather, I tried. I couldn't find any numbers (anyone out there want to try?), but the clothing industry seems to run into the hundreds of billions of dollars.

I thought, "if we all stopped spending money on clothes, poverty would diminish incredibly."

But we won't. We can't. Thanks to the "original sin" of Adam and Eve, we are born with a knowledge of the value of good and evil. Humans cannot stand creation as God designed it (I'm referring here specifically to our bodies), but must change themselves or hide what they cannot change. Why do we try to change? I have no idea why Adam and Eve sewed fig leaves together to cover themselves, but I'm guessing it had something to do with modesty. They may have been trying to prevent one another from sinning yet more.

My thoughts on clothes have changed. Yes, they're still important, but not as a means of climbing the social ladder. They're more of a means to prevent social decline. That's humbling.

I am so excited about getting to Heaven and shedding this sin stuff so I can know only goodness and see God.

Facebook II

Blogging is fun. Competing for popularity is (in my case) not. So, why FB? I've already said that it's become a temptation to idolize the glory of men, which it still can be. I hope I've toned my response to it down, however. I still use it.

I use facebook because it's an easy way to make conversations and experiences public. In one webpage, anyone can (basically) combine the services of Flickr, Blogger, and MySpace as well as a social calendar. For some reason, people I know who posess AIM, a blog, and a photo website put more on FB than their other sites. Also, some friends don't answer e-mail often, rarely answer the phone, and aren't on AIM --but oddly will answer when I post on their "wall." So it's another form of communication. As with any form, it's easy to abuse and make the value of words decline, but so goes many things that the hands of sinful mankind has touched.

What do you think, Jason? :-P

HA! Facebook...

My older brother blocked Facebook (FB) from my computer through the wireless network. I was mad, because he's taking a so-called liberty. But I really don't notice that it's gone. In fact, my dear blogging friends, you may have noticed that I was actually reading your blogs today instead of amusing myself by stalking friends on FB. Cool.

In other news, I am saddened by the recent defeat of my University's men's basketball team. But Mute Math is doing their best to console me, and Avenpitch will probably throw their sounds into the mix eventually. Their song "Bittersweet" is amazing. I wish more rock groups would quit singing and start making up real music, rather than accompanying words.

Speaking of music, a coworker lent me a CD of amazing Celtic music by a musician named Seamus Egan. I got one of his CDs through half.com, and am loving it. Brilliance.

For some reason, this post is quite random. So here's something else: I have 2 new favorite authors. Ted Dekker picks good topics and writes well. His trilogy (Black, Red, and White) took up most of my free time in the past few months. Recently, however, Douglas Adams' "Dirk Gently's Holistic Detective Agency" has been in front of my face for a while. I knew Adams was a great writer (I read "The Complete Hitchhiker's Guide To The Galaxy" one summer...832 pages of greatness), but this book reminds me of a wonderful friend's writing. Speaking of which...X10, if you're reading this, did Adams influence your writing of "Searching for Service" at all? Hm. In any case, I now understand jokes about horses in bathrooms and the lines "...beware, beware!/The flashing eyes, the floating hair!"

And this is the end of the Laedelas Greenleaf Variety Show. Thanks, folks, for listening!

Notes...

Self, remember thy limits. Thou hast made note that thou wilt never "grow old" by curtailing activities simply for sleep, or demanding food and bed at regular times. I have news, Self. Thou art old. Thou feelest old, though thou have yet to curtail activities in favor of sleep or food. However, thou must realize that God designed thyself with limits to show his own unlimitedness. Darling, before thou explodes or shrivels or ends up in a psychiatric institute, please remember thy limits. And by respecting those limits, thou mayhap bring glory to God by showing his unlimitedness. Pretending to have no limits does not make God seem greater, O Little One.

Thank God my schedule will calm a bit next week. I've realized that I can't be a workaholic, as hard as I try. Remember this in the future, Self, when I'm tempted to become something I can't be, such as a SuperMom or a Do-It-All or any other impossible and futile things. God ordained limits. Right now, I am going to respect God's limit on wakefulness. Good night.

Anwering Prayer Must Be Fun

News on the job front:

Yesterday I was offered a job at a sub joint, eventually training to become a shift manager. The pay rate isn't as great as what I'm used to, but increases quickly and managerial experience will be good on a resume. I accepted.

Today I was offered 3 weeks of work (as much as I can take) with the physical therapy people. I love this job, and was amazed that the opportunity arose.

Praise God! He understands my needs and discerns them from my wants. The cloud of depression that had been plaguing me seems to have lifted. My father commented today on my cheeriness. I'm glad it's evident. Time for some hardcore praise dancing late some night... :-)

Now We See Dimly...

"Cards, we are cards
In a wheel spun around on the truth
Maybe we don't need to know
Any more than we have to"

Despite the grammatical errors in these lyrics from Mute Math, I realized their relevance to the phase of life that I'm in. Still jobless after 6 weeks of "vacation" and with no purpose or cause presenting itself that I might pursue, I feel somewhat pointless. This may be a byproduct of a culture that seeks affluence, but I do need some sort of income in the near future. I've also been wondering about future semesters--will I go back to the university I disliked? Will I find another school that seems to fit my needs? Will I never finish school?

But do I really need to know all of this? I know that tomorrow I will either be in heaven or God will still be providing for my physical needs. If I don't have a job right now, then I must not need it. I don't need to know any more than what God has told me. To seek something that is outside of his will would be sin, and definitely not a good strategical move. This doesn't mean I won't be actively seeking employment, and that I won't need a job until April, but I am able to rest in God's care.

It is amazing to ponder how well God knows me. He knows my soul, yes, but he also knows about the tuition bill due soon, and the emotions that seem to have taken over my ability to think, and that I enjoy snow. He knows I was viewing myself as independent, when in reality I rely completely on his love, so he's teaching me of his providence. I am starting to realize how he is a perfect Father, and truly loves me as his daughter.

For now we see in a mirror dimly, but then face to face. Now I know in part; then I shall know fully, even as I have been fully known. (I Corinthians 13:12)

Woman, Define Yourself

It has been quite a while since I or many of my blogging friends have posted anything. I have several long drafts in my folder, waiting to become readable. I don't know if I'll ever finish them. But tonight I had something to write that I need to remember for later.

The men in my church recently went to a conference (a "Manference") concerning biblical manhood. The ones I talked to came back envisioned for pursuing the ideals of biblical manhood. For several reasons I pulled out my notes for the two women's conferences I've attended, one in 2000 and the other in 2004. I'm very curious to read the notes from the Manference, to see how the two conferences compare (though I wonder if that will ever happen) because...frankly, the women's conference in 2004 hurt.

In fact, I spent an hour tonight with tears on my face, struggling with my emotions surrounding biblical femininity. What is it? Is it possible to separate femininity into what is culturally acceptable and God's standards? To research this, I turned to Proverbs 31, which is my 2nd favorite passage of the Bible (my first, for the record, is Psalm 30:5).

Here's what I noticed about Proverbs 31. Things seem to be mentioned in a rather scatter-brained order, but it made sense that this was a listing of the woman's priorities, not just a collection of random thoughts. Taking that into consideration, I noticed that she is trusted by her husband, and his welfare is her first concern. She's eager to work, and cares for her household when no one notices. She invests her efforts and time wisely, not selfishly. She is physically active to be strong, not just to look good. She has found a valuable niche for her business efforts, and gives her customers a quality product. She is generous, even seeking those who are not asking for a handout in order to give. She is confident that her household's current and future needs are provided for, which reflects how she trusts her husband. She enjoys the fruit of her own work. She teaches the truth (wisdom) in love (kindness) to others. She cares well for her household, being neither idle nor micromanaging. Her family appreciates her publicly, and she is rewarded for the fruits of her actions. And here's the jewel of the whole chapter: "Charm is deceitful, and beauty is vain, but a woman who fears the Lord is to be praised."

Isn't it funny how many of these qualities are applicable to both men and women? I don't know any man who shouldn't invest his time or money into something he hasn't thought long and hard about, or who shouldn't be generous. I know that society has been celebrating the homogenizing of women and men, which is despicable. Because heart attitudes are so difficult to measure, however, it's easier to give people a list of what is masculine and what is feminine, rather than defining motivations.

I was not envisioned with biblical femininity at the women's conference, nor a heart attitude to strive after. I was given a list of do's and dont's, which was extremely burdening. Grace was in there somewhere, but it seemed to be thrown in as an afterthought. "Here's how you should grow, and this is what you need to do it. Oh, and don't forget that this is a collaboration with the Holy Spirit." Wha-? Grace isn't a safety net for when my efforts fail, but it should be the motivating factor behind my work. Where's the Main Thing? How can I pursue femininity while keeping the gospel central? Sovereign Grace's presentation of biblical femininity seems skewed. It seems they're describing biblical femininity plus personality traits and cultural femininity. Yes, I want to be culturally relevant, but please don't tell me that interior decorating is akin to evangelism. Sure, it can facilitate it, but if I don't evangelize in my home because it's not perfect then God is not served.

Rather than seeing my position in life as God's will for me, I was told that God wanted me somewhere else, with a husband and children. How is that in any way biblical? I am eager for the day that God will bless me with a husband and children, but do you know how hard it is to be satisfied in singlehood when one has been preparing for marriage and motherhood since infancy?

Could I use this information to prepare for the future? Of course. Next time I have the opportunity, I'll go camping with a Bible instead of attending a womens' conference. Ok, ok my reaction probably shouldn't be so extreme. But this conference had no new information for me, and I'm still sinning in jealousy and bitterness because where I am is not where I want to be. I'm excited for the future, but I need to be excited about here and now, too.


If you see points that need editing, please tell me. I'd gladly edit bitterness and jealousy out of my life, but I'm having a hard time seeing how right now...

Christmas Dance Show

Two weeks ago I was writing furiously, attempting to finish my projects and papers for school. Meanwhile, the fencers had voted for team captains, my admissions advisor at my new school was frantically trying to reach me, and my family still didn't have a Christmas tree. Life was crazy hectic in a way that I'd only had nightmares about, but was now facing in reality. John had a phrase that week that seemed applicable... "the only reason [the weekend] will come is 'cause time doesn't stop...not 'cause you'll be ready for it :-)." God gave me little reminders of grace throughout that period, one of which was that time seemed to move remarkably quickly, but my production rate didn't slow down. A professor was particularly kind and gracious by extending deadlines, which allowed me to give him something more worth reading, though the end of finals came later.

On Wednesday I went to Phipps Conservatory (at long last) with Susie and some of her classmates. Though I really didn't know most of them, we had fun tramping around the hothouse flowerbeds and exploring the new addition. Afterwards I went to Quaker Steak & Lube with John and Mike to meet other people there. Mike was...inexplicably giddy, but I had fun laughing at him. I was ready to collapse by the time we left QSL, and that was the first time I remember coughing. The cough became a constant. On Thursday I wrote MORE and MORE, then suddenly realized that I had about an hour to pack for a 5-day trip to Akron. Uhhhh...but everything got done in relatively good time. I was typing my paper up until the moment I reached Oakland, but I had clothes and a toothbrush for the trip. I showed Mom around the basement of the Cathedral for a while, which was fun, and we went to Lulu's. Good, good food...and lots of it. Then we met Bek, and I took off with her.

I'd like to go down a rabbit trail here. Schoolwork is stressful, yes, and at the end of this particular semester I had an interesting battle within concerning school. Obviously I didn't have the time I wanted to make my projects, papers, and exams as stellar as I would have liked. So priorities came into play, and one particular class got sadly ignored. It hurt to do this, especially as I loved the class. My teacher received my final project and seemed shocked at what I had turned in. She offered a deadline extension, and named a date that I expected to spend in Akron. I was washing clothes in preparation for packing when I received this news, and spent several hours debating what to do. I know I had turned in shoddy work, and could do better, so I seriously thought I'd cancel my trip with Bek, go later with John, and come home on Sat. with my parents. Or perhaps not even go at all. I had reached a point in stress where I was tempted to just break down instead of working through the issue. Yes, I considered it an issue. To some, school may take 1st place, but this was not simple. I prayed fervently, and God gave me some enlightenment. Why was I going to Akron? For the Christmas dance show. Why did I want to partake of that? To spread the gospel. Is that the only reason? No, I expect to be blessed with godly fellowship and worship, but through that I'm also expecting God to use me in a way that proves eternally beneficial. I expected God to change hearts at that dance show, and draw people closer to him. Why would I consider not going/making my stay shorter? Because of school. What is the importance of school? By staying home I could have changed my grade by a whole letter value, but considering that God had given me this opportunity to invest in his kingdom, how important is an A when a B is already there? I had been concerned over missing Akron, but through this I became more concerned with missing the Point. My ultimate priority remained with God, and all I am should be invested in him. So I'm getting a B instead of an A in a class. This made the weekend more relevant to eternity, and God surprised me with the grace to let go of my GPA in this regards.


I arrived around midnight at the Murphys. Bek is wonderful; I am so blessed by her friendship. The ride there was full of good music and conversation about God, college, etc. We raced to be the first to hug Jess, and I got the good old couch cushions herded into Jess' room ASAP and collapsed. However, at midnight I got a phone call from John's phone. I hung up and went into the hallway to text him without waking Jess. The caller was actually my brother, who was John's designated driver of the night. I kept losing signal, but found out that he and John had gone off the road, called a taxi, and were now safe at Hoffman's. WHAT? Just kidding! Ugh! Brothers! Crazy boys. More on them later.

The next day was very lackadaisical for me. Jess and Jen both worked, so I watched the Murphy boys played videogames all morning. In the evening we went to dance rehearsal where I was reunited with the Smiths and the Hoffmans. I sewed the backdrop together with fishing line while the dancers rehearsed, and would randomly be needed on stage. "Joseph," played by Steve, had grown a beard for the occasion. 'Twas sweet! We came home, and though I meant to shower I watched The Return of the King with the Murphy family.

On Saturday I fried apples for Jess, Jen, and Daniel before we took off for the church. The dress rehearsal was full of Joseph/Mary jokes. Lots. Even before the show we were teasing each other on Facebook. Once things started, though, Joseph and I would tease each other onstage since we weren't dancing. I'd hold the baby for a while, pass it off to Joseph, and he'd start cooing, "Who's the son of God? Oh yes! That's you! You're so cute!" then would get bored and hand it back. I'd sit there stroking the baby's face and Joseph would be watching the angels dancing around us. "Joseph! Stop flirting with the angels!" I'd snap, and he'd come back with "Well you know, the baby's not even mine." Yeah. Backstage, Herod (Micah) wanted to see the baby, and I pretended to get offended. Joseph immediately was like "hey, back off" and the two of them started teasing. So I was accused of flirting with Herod to get back at Joseph! Ah, the long twisted stories...the teasing helped to relieve stress but also, I think, helped several people to realize the scandalous affair that Jesus' birth seemed to be. Steve even said, "I'm starting to realize what Joseph went through about this."

I was kept quite busy massaging shoulders and feet between the first show and the second one. The day was long, especially for dancers, and I was glad to be of use to them. Even Phillip felt better after a back rub.

[3/21/07...unfortunately, I never finished this. But the shopping trip in Columbus afterwards was fun, too. Jess and I sang our throats raw, I rubbed more backs, and got nice hand massages that really helped the arthritic pain. The rest is, unfortunately, forgotten. But I'm glad I went!]

Christmas

I was thinking about gifts the other day. A friend reminded me of how cheaply I can bless others with animals, fruit trees, etc. that would give them an incredible economic boost, and I thought, "oh this is nice but not for me-I'm a poor college student." I've been looking at iPods, thinking about which one I'd like to get, and the special edition (PRODUCT) RED nanos looked interesting, and $10 (of $250) goes to help fight AIDS in Africa. "Aww, cute!" I thought, and more or less decided to get that one instead of a plain old (yet perfectly sufficient) Shuffle. THEN Jon D's blog sent me to globalrichlist.com where I learned I was in the top 15% of richest people in the world. Even with my student's wages. The website told me that, with $73 I could buy a new mobile phone OR a new mobile health clinic to care for AIDS orphans in Uganda.

Embarrassing, isn't it...that I would consider a $250 toy that would give $10 to the "Global Fund" instead of a $70 version which would enable me to give basic health supplies to orphans?

I do not believe one can settle how much we ought to give. I am afraid the only safe rule is to give more than we can spare.
~C.S. Lewis

africa 007
Originally uploaded by sumiknik.

Thoughts before the show

Instead of typing one of 3 papers due tomorrow...two of which are rather large...I decided to write down just a few thoughts before the dance show happening this weekend.

I need to practice! I have a DVD that's essentially showing the part I'm playing, although I'll be putting some new "twists" on it, and I need to watch that as often as possible and practice the movements. Like...walking like a pregnant woman, looking for a place to stay, while in labor. Yeah...that'll be a new experience!

Stage butterflies are something to face before the show. I've learned to practice being nervous so I can practice being focused on why I'm doing this. Must work on being nervous :-P

What to focus on? THE GOSPEL. That's why I'm going and doing this, and people are working back stage for it. It's so easy to forget...yet so, SO central. God, help me to remember YOU during this, and devote every thought to you. May I appropriately model the character of Mary and convey her emotions effectivey so that I may glorify you.

Pearl Harbor Day

Think what you will about the Japanese attack on Pearl Harbor that happened at dawn on 7 December 1941, 65 years ago. I know that its historical importance is significant, but I do not claim to know the events leading up to the attack. Regardless, I am asking you to remember those who have been or are in the armed services today. If you know war veterans or current soldiers, please pray specifically for them and their current situation. Contacting them to chat may not be a bad idea, either. They have amazing stories to tell, both good and bad.

Why is it important to remember such events? Because "those who cannot learn from history are doomed to repeat it." (George Santayana)

Finally-hoedown stuffs

Here I recount the event of PHC's hoedown. It has been a long time since it happened, but I'm hoping to remember a few things worth mentioning. The trip began at 11:30 PM on Thursday night with a call to Bek, asking about dress codes at her school. Hearing a gravelly voice, I remembered the time. Ahhh! Who in their right mind calls that late on a week night? Silly, insomniac me. Bek is gracious, however, and forgave me!

Perhaps it was because my packing was so frantic, but I brought more on that trip for 3 days than almost any other trip I've taken. Even when I went to Europe for 3 weeks, I packed everything into a backpack and a soft-side cooler, both of which were carry-on items. For this trip, I had a backpack full of clothes (note to self...bring more than 1 t-shirt), a laptop bag with lappy, cords, and notebooks, my pillow in its bag, and a sizable CD case. Wow.

My father drove me to Starbucks to meet with Dave T, Bek's brother. After a bit of waiting and some good conversation, Dave showed up in his mother's cute green convertible. My stuff was stuffed into the tiny trunk and we took off. Though that car has a poor sound system, the seats were very comfortable and perfect for a 5 hour drive. Dave and I traded 1-liners for a few hours, and left each other in stitches. We stopped for lunch at Quizno's, which was soup in a breadbowl. A quick stop at several gas stations later, and we were almost at Bek's. I decided to go old-school and popped Carman into the CD player (I'd been DJ'ing the whole trip). After discovering that Dave had similar childhood memories connected to his music that I did, we both sang lyrics loudly and headbanged for most of the CD's duration. Unfortunately, this caused us to miss a few vital turns. Bek received several frantic phone calls as we tried to find her school.

Upon arrival at PHC (amid confusion, laughter, and wrong turns), Dave tricked Bek into coming out of her dorm while not seeing us. He, dressed in his leather trench coat and wide-brimmed hat, ran to meet her. She saw and ran toward him, and was swept up in a bear hug that lasted for a minute. Both were smiling widely, and it was contagious. I couldn't help but smile with them. After unloading the car we wandered around campus a bit. Her school is drastically different than mine. Our mottoes... mine: Veritas et Virtus. Hers: Pro Christo et Libertate. My school has 28,559 students, and hers has 308. I had 300 students in my Intro Bio class! My school is urban, hers is suburban. Girls and guys are not allowed into each other's dorms (save the foyer), but at my school there are absolutely no rules concerning that-thankfully, I don't stay in the dorms! However, both schools have the same colors of blue and gold. Huzzah!

We partook of dinner in the cafeteria. It was pizza night, but thankfully I had choices. I ate a turkey sandwich, salad, orange, and chocolate pudding. Everything was good as cafes go, but something strange happened there. I woke up around 3:30 AM the next morning with severe stomach pain and cramps, but Metamucil took care of that the next day.

At dinner we met a fellow by the name of Joshua (I think) who chatted with us a bit. After dinner Dave and I played a bit of air hockey and foosball, but found out that some dudes (including Joshua) were playing Halo in the hall. I didn't play, but I'd never seen Halo before. Interesting...it's definitely a guy game, though I could enjoy it occasionally. After that, Dave, Joshua, and I decided to watch Return of the King, and went to recruit people to watch with us. After getting entangled in several conversations in the hallway (Is infinity a natural number? Can infinity be multiplied?) and meeting a girl named Samantha, we found out that 13 Going On 30 had started in the room we planned to watch our movie in. Since none of us wanted to watch that, we wandered until we found people watching The Incredibles in another dorm hall. We watched that for a while, then dispatched to our places of repose.

Bek came back from work around midnight with a bag full of Starbucks goodies. We ate them the next morning in the cafe, where I brought the lappy and a notebook. I got a few hours of reading done, and it was time for lunch. The waffles were excellent, and I kept meeting people. In a school that size, it's hard not to notice strangers :-) I made mental notes of guys I'd like to dance with that evening, and girls I'd like to hang out with during lag time.

That evening I took a long nap because I'd been up with stomach pain for some time. Bek woke me when she returned from work (with more goodies) and we prepared for the hoedown. I wore jeans (duh), a plaid shirt, corduroy jacket, and the infamous John Deere hat with braids. Bek looked gorgeous, of course, in jeans and a blue, pink-flowered shirt and braids. Jake showed up and took us and Dave to a restaurant called "Red Hot and Blue" for dinner. Dinner was good and greasy (I totally forget what I got...something with a spicy dip). Our conversation seemed light but intelligent and very enjoyable.

The hoedown itself was well worth the trip. We danced in sand, which wore me out very quickly, and there were a LOT of people there dancing. One fellow danced so much that, since the air was cold, his body was steaming! I was glad that I dressed in layers, and shed my jacket quickly.

[3/21/07...I seem to have half-finished accounts of wonderful trips spread throughout my blog. Apologies. Some random memories from the rest of this trip:

Being spun by Dave...faster than I ever thought possible.
Getting dragged through the sand by Derek during a line dance.
Gasping for breath during and after dances.
Wishing guys weren't intimidated by my height.
Laughing at guys climbing the barn structure.
Meeting a random girl and being friends for a night.
A keg of root beer.
Beautiful stars after the dance.
Dave nodding to sleep at church on Sunday.
CJ Mahaney preaching.
Wasabi on tuna sushi at lunch on Sunday.
Looooooong conversation about Spiritual giftings with Dave on the way home.
Conversations about other deep things with Dave on the way home.
Trying to snuggle into the sheepskin seat covering on the way home.
Asking, "What's for food?" when Dave and I finally get home.
Playing Risk and getting slaughtered by Dave the next morning.

The weekend was wonderful. Many thanks to Bek for hosting!]