Thoughts of a Wood Elf

Affairs

2011-07-30T02:56:00.001-04:00

I used to consider myself as "married, just waiting for the right man." In other words, I didn't want to get physically involved with anyone because I had an uptight--I mean, upright--understanding of marriage that it lasted forever, and considering that "forever" has no end or beginning, I tried to live in a way that wouldn't make a theoretical husband jealous. This mostly had to do with physical relations with guys, and mostly served as a standard for physical purity.

But recently I started thinking about this more, and followed the idea to a more complete conclusion. If I really was married, then I've had tons of emotional affairs with men that could be just as harmful to a marriage as physical infidelity. And I'm not sure how I'd go about pursuing a man with the intent of marriage without having such an "emotional affair."

The ideal sort of courtship for me would be to sit down and hash out all the details of personality, life, plans, etc and then just getting hitched. But that leaves out a lot. I'm learning that I don't (and can't) fully communicate who I am through words. I don't communicate well through talk; I prefer dance and sculpture. Not sure how a relationship could be communicated through sculpture...interesting thought, but rather impractical. Regardless, there are ways to learn how people act and react in ways that can't be communicated through language. So there's more to relationships than talking.

BUT take into account that I follow Christ. As tempting as it is, I don't want romance to be a primary thought. I want to pursue God wholeheartedly, which is somewhat hard to do when pursuing men. SOOoooooOOO this means I'm giving up marriage & family, right? Eh, not really. Just saying that, if God really has called me to marriage & family, he'll make it abundantly clear that I'm supposed to go there. I do not want to treat my husband as Christ; I think a lot of wives make the mistake of expecting their husbands to be Christ to them, and I've yet to meet an infallible man other than Christ. I will marry Christ, when this world has ended, but if I should marry one here, I can't expect that of him.

(originally written 2/5/11)

What Are You Doing With Your Insomnia?

2011-05-07T20:36:00.004-04:00

I've been a fan of Owl City for a while, and love knowing that Adam Young also suffers from insomnia. He, like me, finds some relief from sleeping in moving vehicles, but generally hasn't found answers from medicine. Today, while enjoying the song The Saltwater Room, I reflected on how Adam has used his insomnia to create beautiful things that bless others. What am I doing with my insomnia? I'm challenged to create rather than consume. How can I redeem my late-night sleeplessness? What can I do that will glorify God and bless others?

Then John Piper's famous blog post about redeeming cancer came to mind. So, like everyone else on the internet, I'm rewriting that list to reflect one of my biggest struggles. This list is still a draft, so feel free to add ideas!

You will waste your insomnia if you do not believe it is designed for you by God. II Corinthians 3:18
You will waste your insomnia if you believe it is a curse and not a gift. James 1:5, James 4:6
You will waste your insomnia if you seek comfort from coping mechanisms rather than from God. Matthew 11:28-30
You will waste your insomnia if you refuse to think about the worst. God's grace is sufficient! II Corinthians 12:9
You will waste your insomnia if you think that "beating" insomnia means sleeping regularly rather than cherishing Christ.
You will waste your insomnia if you spend too much time thinking about sleep and not enough time thinking about God.
You will waste your insomnia if you let it drive you into solitude instead of deepening your relationships and making your love for others obvious.
You will waste your insomnia if you are hopeless. Hope is not found in a cure, but in the Son of God.
You will waste your insomnia if you treat sin as casually as before. Don't shift the blame from your self to your insomnia!
You will waste your insomnia if you don't use it to witness to the truth and glory of Christ.

Remember you are not left alone. You will have the help you need. “My God will supply every need of yours according to his riches in glory in Christ Jesus” (Philippians 4:19).~John Piper

Radio Love

2011-03-19T16:47:00.004-04:00

A radio announcer told me that I'd experience 22 kisses, dump 5 people, be dumped 4 times, and be cheated on 4 times before I'd find "true" love. (If you want a link, here's even more info from the same survey.) Right after that, I heard the song "Just The Way You Are" by Bruno Mars. It wasn't on purpose; I was scrolling through radio stations to reach my favorite indie station. Really! :-P

Anyway, this got me thinking about the definition of "true" love, and why people bother settling for anything less. I believe it is possible to truly love someone without being a "perfect match" for them, but I also believe there really aren't any perfect matches in that we're still human and hurt each other all the time. I don't think I'll ever find someone who agrees with me on everything, because I don't agree with myself on everything. Also, such a relationship would get stagnant before the third date, and what's the fun in that?

Humans need love. We go to great lengths to find it, or pretend we have it, when in reality we're incapable of loving the way we need to be loved. I am certainly affected by those around me, but I hope I never tie my hopes and dreams to another human. They belong to God.

Love Hopes All Things

2011-01-12T14:53:00.002-05:00

This weekend, I talked to my mom (again) about The Situation I'm currently in. She was supportive of my wild-eyed goal, and pointed out the obvious: I'm in a spiritual battle. Thinking about that last night, I laid claim on Mr. J's soul, by the authority of Christ, and demanded that Satan no longer use him as a tool of destruction. I felt odd asking for this of God, but I sensed an urgent YES and so prayed as I thought appropriate. It was freeing.

This afternoon, I read an article by my second-favorite preacher John Piper which enticed tears and laughter from my soul. "This is the love I have for Mr. J," the Voice said. "Only I am capable of this love, though I delight to show that love to and through you as well."

Spirit, you are giving me an opportunity for patient love. Please, give me the grace to grow in patience, that I may make the most of this opportunity.

Spinning Plates and Burdens

2011-01-08T23:01:00.005-05:00

A friend of mine just blogged about God's grace. It was a bittersweet reminder that he is more than a safety net. He holds me together on a submolecular level. And yet, it was a twisting knife in my side. "Don't spin plates," they say. "Don't do God's job for him--that's pride. " And yet, when I'm faced with the worst temptation yet, and choices too big for my maturity level, they say "well, duh, that's wrong. Don't sin." Or, at best, "I'm sorry, but yeah...don't sin."

I'm too sensitive to this issue. But it's hard to be insensitive when one walks on the blade of a long, narrow sword, and the calluses just aren't there yet.

My solution? It's the same as Christa's. Live in God's grace. Honestly, it's hard to see temptation when God's love is taking all my attention. It is a sweet, sweet release.

P.S. Thank you for your prayers. God is quick to answer. Praise to the Almighty One!

On All Sides, A Net

2010-11-30T00:54:00.003-05:00

Sin waits to ensnare me. Everywhere I turn, it lurks in shadows or jumps into the light or comes from behind to twine around my heart and drag it to the depths of depravity. If I turn from lust, self-righteousness gloats. If I turn from legalism, I lose self-control. If I seek my own interests, I fail in my mission to glorify God. If I seek to benefit others, I ignore the commandments of Scripture. If I act other than how I feel, I deceive those around me and proclaim a false gospel. If I work hard, I do not rest in grace.

What shall we say then? Are we to continue in sin that grace may abound? By no means! How can we who died to sin still live in it? Do you not know that all of us who have been baptized into Christ Jesus were baptized into his death? We were buried therefore with him by baptism into death, in order that, just as Christ was raised from the dead by the glory of the Father, we too might walk in newness of life.

For if we have been united with him in a death like his, we shall certainly be united with him in a resurrection like his. We know that our old self was crucified with him in order that the body of sin might be brought to nothing, so that we would no longer be enslaved to sin. For one who has died has been set free from sin. Now if we have died with Christ, we believe that we will also live with him. We know that Christ, being raised from the dead, will never die again; death no longer has dominion over him. For the death he died he died to sin, once for all, but the life he lives he lives to God. So you also must consider yourselves dead to sin and alive to God in Christ Jesus.

Let not sin therefore reign in your mortal body, to make you obey its passions. Do not present your members to sin as instruments for unrighteousness, but present yourselves to God as those who have been brought from death to life, and your members to God as instruments for righteousness. For sin will have no dominion over you, since you are not under law but under grace. ~Romans 6:1-15

Shall I choose how to sin in order to avoid other sins? Please, Lord, save me from myself.

The Savior's Protection

2010-11-30T00:42:00.002-05:00

So, today God confirmed that he isn't done working with this Stranger-Lover of mine. He was struck by a vehicle while walking home, and suffered serious (though not life-threatening) injuries. I am grateful that God spared his life! His injuries should be much worse than they are, though they certainly aren't trivial.

Lord, your mercy cannot be fathomed. You protect and support the weak. Please continue to protect him - I know you love him more than I, and are willing and able to save his soul. Please, make your love and mercy tangible to his soul in a way that his rational mind cannot explain.

Intimacy

2010-11-30T00:27:00.002-05:00

Such was the love of the Son of God to the human nature, that he desired a most near and close union with it, something like the union in the persons of the Trinity, nearer than there can be between any two distinct [beings]. This moved him to make the human become one with him, and himself to be one of mankind that should represent all the rest, for Christ calls us brethren and is one of us. How should [we] be encouraged, when we have such a Mediator! 'Tis one of us that is to plead for us, one that God from love to us has received into his own person from among us. And 'tis so congruous that it should be so, and is also so agreeable to the Scripture, that it much confirms in me the truth of the Christian religion. ~Jonathan Edwards, Miscellanies #183

The Problem With Sin

2010-11-24T03:18:00.002-05:00

There are many problems with sin. Obviously, the first and most concerning is that God cannot tolerate it. But on a (much more) smaller note, it's not healthy for me. Allow me to explain.

I've been sinning against God this Summer in questioning his law, his goodness, and his leadership. I wander away, questing after shadows, then the gracious Hand arrests my soul and centers me on Himself again. I've been preferring the world's fruit to God's love. I seek someone else's attention, rather than giving my attention to the One who so clearly deserves it. The first time I realized my error, I repented in tears and meditated much on Scripture that shed light on my path. When it happened again, I remembered the thoughts I had earlier, but didn't seek restitution so enthusiastically. Now, when I realize that I'm sinning this way again, I sigh exasperatedly. My soul has been numbed to the conviction of the Holy Spirit. It's as though there were a scab on my soul, and because it was constantly being picked, a callous developed in its place.

Considering this, I see clearly that, when sin recurs, I must seek repentance doubly hard, to avoid doing so yet a third time. And yet, I see my sin and don't want to put in the effort to change. Really?! Don't want to be reunited with the lover of my soul? How ridiculous! How piteously small-minded!

It seems the only thing that quickens my soul to the Spirit is the thought of my friend's salvation. Lord, change my heart. Purge me of the dross, and put treasures in this earthly vessel of Yours.

Hello, Blogger!

2010-11-13T01:26:00.006-05:00

Last post was June 20th? Wow. Almost 5 months ago. Pardon the interruption...

I haven't been blogging because my thoughts this Summer have revolved around one thing (well, person) in particular, and I really didn't know how to phrase my thoughts for public consumption. Rather than risk offending some, or injuring anyone involved, I kept my thoughts away from the internet. But I think (hope) it might be helpful to publish my struggles about this. I know I'm not the only one struggling with this, but I found little help from online resources when I looked. Maybe others will be encouraged by my fight, which is ongoing and will probably inspire more writings.

I fell in love with someone I don't know--a stranger. By that, I mean someone whose heart is void of the Holy Spirit. He can tell me the Gospel story, and quotes the Bible, but our experiences of God cannot be more different. When I say "fall in love," I mean just that. I didn't plan to love him this way--I planned to care for his soul in the best way I could discern. I earnestly prayed for the salvation and protection of his soul, on my knees, in tears, without falling into the snares that so easily encompass us, for weeks.

But there was a moment (I remember it exactly) when my emotions became compromised, and it was no longer just his soul that I cared for, but my own satisfaction. The pull in this direction was irresistible for me. The Bible says that God will not let us be tempted beyond what we can bear, and this Summer I doubted the validity of that verse. How can I resist the most natural thing in the world? Is it wrong for Pavlov's dogs to salivate when they are trained to recognize the proximity of food? How, then, can I be expected to resist what Paul calls a "profound mystery" regarding the relationship between a man and a woman?

Romans 7 has been a rock to which I've clung countless times this Summer. "WHO will deliver me from this body of death?" I've screamed at the cosmos. Fatalistic attitudes were tempting. "God, if you want me to marry a Christian, why did you allow me to be in this situation?" Even my friend encouraged me to think along those lines, "Would God really put us in our lives only to force us apart because of our beliefs in him? Would someone who loves you like he does do that to you?" But I KNOW there's more to this than that. I just don't know what it is.

Song of Solomon became a source of strength to me. I've read that book before as one who was curious, looking for wisdom and understanding none of it. It is now ABUNDANTLY clear to me why the daughters of Jerusalem are charged not to awaken love until it so desires. But what about me, who didn't desire to awaken love, and yet...it awoke? I still do not understand fully this book, but Song of Solomon 8:6-7 have become to me a lifeline. It's reassured me that what I feel, is, in fact, a taste of divine pleasures, and therefore cannot be ignored or suppressed as a mere inconvenience. For years, I've wrestled with lust and desire and guilt, and managed to keep much of it "under control," but this is beyond my control. This is no longer just me wanting something out of reach, it is a man who desperately needs love, and wants to offer what love he can give in return. No man has ever offered me such love.

Except One, the one whose name is Love. The one who lived and loved perfectly, that I may be redeemed and return his affection. It was my hope at the beginning of the Summer to show this love to my friend, but slowly and painfully am I realizing that I am incapable of such love. I cannot set my self aside to be Christ to others, and yet, somehow, they see him in me. This is the profoundest mystery of all, and merely acknowledging it effectuates tears. To love is to die. To become a lover, one must give up individuality and a sense of self for the sake of creating a new being, a new person, if you will.

Am I giving up myself for the sake of loving Christ? People ask all the time if I'm ready to "live for Christ," or "sacrifice for the sake of the Gospel," etc. etc. etc. I've misunderstood it all until now. Jesus doesn't want my best efforts, he wants ME. I must deny myself. Not of pleasures or needs, but I must deny my SELF. Facing this truth is to look into Terror. How do I deny myself? Consider myself as dead to the world, but alive in Christ? How do I so totally separate myself from "me" (circumstances, habits, personality) and instead identify solely in Him? I don't know.

What I do know is that I am grateful that God brought this man and this relationship into my life. I have never fought so hard or lost so much to sin, and yet am emerging victorious. The victory is mine, and the battle is the Lord's. Hosanna! No enemy can stand when his praise goes forth! And this, THIS is what kept me from total depravity. I know beyond a shadow of a doubt that God deserves praise, and oh! He blessed me so much this Summer through praise. I've rejected God again and again this Summer, yet when I give him the praise he deserves he accepts it and welcomes me back to him. His presence has been my constant companion.

I pity my own humanity. Because of it, I am bound to the flesh, yet taste immortality.

Usually, when I write about struggles like this, I write as if it were a story, with a beginning, a middle, and an end. This isn't a story. I'm unable to detach myself from it, because it is ongoing. When will it end? I don't know...I suspect it has something to do with Christ's return. It is the deepest desire of my heart that my friend will be one of the sheep in the fold of Jesus when (if) this story ends. I have this strange peace and assurance (some would call it faith) that he will be, but for now, I am called to patience. Please pray for us.

YOUTH CAMP 2010!!!

2010-06-20T03:19:00.002-04:00

For the next few days, I will be living in the valley between two low hills, half an hour from the nearest Wal-Mart, and far from any Wifi signal. YESSSS!! I've shared several times about my Youth Camp experiences, and they were all fantastic. Please, be in prayer that God would use these 4 days to shower grace upon the youth, parents, and helpers who are attending. We are studying the Prodigal Son, and I hope he will move mightily. And I get to view it all from behind the sound board :-D Praise God!

Profile Photo

2010-06-19T19:54:00.002-04:00

For those of you who are interested, and for the sake of artistic integrity, I would like to announce that the photographer of my new profile icon is Miss Lane Webb. A link to the original can be found here.

Love Languages for Techies

2010-06-11T01:24:00.003-04:00

This article by Mike Sessler was funny and painfully true. Especially Point #1. My church does a great job of affirmative speech, and I really appreciate it! My only disagreement: Bacon =! physical touch. Food is REALLY high up on the "need" scale, though, especially on days when tech assignments stretch beyond 2 hours! And, honestly, when DON'T they go beyond 2 hours? :-P I'm so glad I get to do tech and kitchen at Youth Camp! Other than being a team leader, I can't think of a better set-up :-)

Priorities

2010-06-07T01:37:00.002-04:00

As some of you may know, I tend to live my life in a state of chaos. Organized (to me) chaos, but it's still chaotic. I've been pondering the value of simplicity recently, and have debated whether I should purge myself of possessions. This would hardly be a cure to my chaotic lifestyle, but it would help with the mess.

Books would be the first culprit (I love books, and borrow as much as I can, but still have quite a few), but then, what would I be throwing away? My language/linguistic books? Reference books? My Tolkien "shrine?" Fencing manuals? Childhood friends? Memories? Christian apologetics resources? Seriously?

Clothes would be next, and trust me, I would have very little regret should I discard all clothes but the necessary few. The biggest problem here is social norms. Appearances matter a lot; ergo, clothes matter. Ahh, for the good ol' days of 6th grade, when I had two pairs of jeans and two sweatshirts that I wore everywhere except church. Nowadays I wear my work uniform, bike jersey, fencing gear, church clothes, the occasional fancy dress...and of course, we can't leave out costumes. I love dressing up :-P

Currently, my floor is strewn with paint supplies. Grandma gave me a tube of gold acrylic paint, so I was exploring its uses the other day. I think I could get rid of all that, but people seem to enjoy my artistic endeavors with paint. Besides, I'm in the midst of (at least) two projects, and would hate to let those ideas die.

Conclusion: It's not the stuff, it's the Stuff Manager. It's not a matter of simplicity, it's a matter of managing resources.

March 30th Was A Long Time Ago...

2010-05-24T23:02:00.007-04:00

...considering the speed of the internet. However, at the consistent encouragement of iJosh, I am now on Twitter. Fo now, I am pointing my words at this webpage.

Tonight I visited another fencing club and had a terrible performance in the midst of serious, experienced fencers. I enjoyed the competition, but am frustrated with the mental block between what I know and what I do. Kinda like how I'm helpless before spiritual enemies. I've been meditating on Psalm 116 a lot recently (and Psalm 27). How appropriate to tie my physical weaknesses to my spiritual weaknesses. Even in "fair" competition, I am helpless without my Lord.

Words escape me, so allow me to paint a picture. I'm driving home from fencing, disappointed in myself and asking God why. The David Crowder Band's Church Music album is playing, and the lyrics break through my confusion.

"O grant us reprieve from the fighting
So we just rest our head on the shoulder of the One!"

I can't drive any more, because the Spirit has arrested my soul, and road safety is secondary to the One.

"We are loved!
And it's quite enough
That we are loved!"

Those Psalms come to mind, and I thank the Lord, for

"He has heard
my voice and my pleas for mercy."

I recently decided to pursue an even higher education. An education that will allow me to translate the Bible for people groups who have yet to read the Holy Word in their mother tongue. Think of how different your life would be if the Bible were still in Vulgate Latin, and you can imagine their difficulty. God has placed a specific people group on my heart for whom to pray. I can't picture their faces; I don't know how they communicate; but I want to be the lampstand from which the Holy Spirit illuminates the Bible to them. I get goosebumps, thinking about the possibilities.

None of this is possible on my own. Every day, I wake up and rely on the Lord for inspiration and providence and joy.

Staying At Home

2010-03-30T19:52:00.002-04:00

My brother shared an interesting article from artofmanliness.com the other day. Most of the article has to do with social norms and one's response to them, but there was a parenthetical quote that caught my attention:

"People often talk about women being stay-at-home moms as the most natural thing, but there can hardly be anything more culturally unnatural than a woman, separated from family and friends, alone with her baby day after day."

Considering that perception of a "stay-at-home" mom, I think I'd flee motherhood, too! But "staying at home" while mothering is hardly confining oneself to Baby's sphere. I have yet to attain motherhood, but I did live with a stay-at-home mom (hi, Mom!), and I can assure you, she probably would have spent more time at home if she could have. Rather, she was herding her ducklings (four of them) around, to lessons and performances and museums and classes and relatives and friends, and generally doing anything she could to expand our world and benefit us. I want to be that kind of mom. I've confined myself to corporate schedules and locales before, and would much rather have the freedom of "home-bound" life. All this depends somewhat on my family's ability to live within our means, and the lion's share of that burden will, most likely, rest on the father. But, you know, he doesn't necessarily have to restrict himself to corporate
demands, if he builds his own business...

Disclaimer: The original article had nothing to do with parenting and everything to do with social norms. This phrase caught my attention because I am female and am drawn to feminine topics, not because I think the author was wrongly judging another's lifestyle. Please don't judge the website because of my analysis of one phrase :-) The little I've read seems intriguing and beneficial, it's just that I'm not a man, so I find it more amusing than otherwise.

Also, apologies for my lack of online presence. Jake, my trusted computer of five years, has a weak connection somewhere in his logic board. I'm looking for a replacement. Let me know if you want computer parts, and/or if you are selling a Macbook :-)

Galatians 6:9-10

2010-02-13T18:55:00.003-05:00

Let us not grow weary of doing good, for in due season we will reap if we do not give up. So then, as we have opportunity, let us do good to everyone and especially to those who are of the household of faith.
~Galatians 6:9-10

It amazes me how God is constantly by my side, speaking to me and guiding me. The verse above (in lyrical form, thanks to Mark Altrogge) and the song Divine Romance by Phil Wickham have been replaying in my mind all of today. For that, I am grateful.

Recent events have conspired against my plans. I decide that, yes, I will take concrete steps toward international deaf missions, and outline future plans on paper. Guess what happens next. Temptation, of course. Temptation in a form I couldn't imagine and certainly didn't expect. Temptation in the form of a friend...who wants to move beyond friendship.

I agree with him on some levels. On a superficial level, and even a personality level, we could form a good team with a little work. However, there's a level that finds people in their nightmares, in their daydreams, in the moments when all is lost or everything is gained. It is at that level that we are not compatible. I love this man as a friend, and yearn for his salvation. But I know it would be foolish to yoke myself to an unbeliever. The relationship he desires would only distract me from the One I hold Most Dear, and the purpose for which I am on Earth.

It is what I think I want, but not how I want it... or perhaps some of what I want, but not good enough. Like the Israelites in the wilderness who were tired of manna and cried for meat.

I thank him who has given me strength, Christ Jesus our Lord, because he judged me faithful, appointing me to his service, though formerly I was a blasphemer, persecutor, and insolent opponent. But I received mercy because I had acted ignorantly in unbelief, and the grace of our Lord overflowed for me with the faith and love that are in Christ Jesus. The saying is trustworthy and deserving of full acceptance, that Christ Jesus came into the world to save sinners, of whom I am the foremost. But I received mercy for this reason, that in me, as the foremost, Jesus Christ might display his perfect patience as an example to those who were to believe in him for eternal life. To the King of ages, immortal, invisible, the only God, be honor and glory forever and ever. Amen.
~1 Timothy 1:12-17

God, may I prove true to the challenge you have set before me. Set my feet upon a rock! I feel the firey darts of Apollyon whizzing past my ear--protect me, Lord, and guide my sword in the attack. Thank you for bringing to my attention the dangers to both myself and my friend.

Um, don't follow that last link if you're sensitive to foul language.

Some scripture that the Holy Spirit illuminated during this battle (:

Ephesians 6:10-18
Ephesians 5:15- 21
James 1:22-26
**This is why the Bible needs interpreting. How else could I fight if I did not know my Sword?
Romans 10:5-17
Romans 7:7-25
Ephesians 3:14-21
Ephesians 4:17-32
Hebrews 12:1-2
(Shoutout to my new pastors, who preached through Ephesians last year. It helped a lot--thanks, guys!)

I want YOU!

2010-02-10T23:22:00.003-05:00

At every turn God is challenging me. "Will you choose me, or the world?" He seems to ask.

You, Lord! You alone! Help me in my unbelief. Remove from me the fear of man. Though I know the process will be painful, I yearn to be free from what you do not require. I know that pain is temporary. Put light on your scripture, Spirit, and show me the way.

NAMM

2010-01-16T16:00:00.001-05:00

I am very jealous of this guy. Also, I start doing tech at my "new" church tomorrow. Yay? We shall see how it goes :-) I'm very excited to see what I can learn from working with a new system and under the tutelage of Scott T.

Potential

2010-01-10T02:17:00.003-05:00

Sometimes you don't even realize what you had until what might have been is no longer. "Could be" becomes "can not be." What do you take for granted?

I tend to take relationships for granted. This became glaringly apparent when I moved. I had the honor of witnessing two individuals unite in matrimony today, and was contemplating how that relationship would change every other relationship in their lives. Lifestyle changes have affected many of my friendships.

How grateful I am that my relationship with God will always be changing--for the better!

I Just Wanna Grow Up

2010-01-05T20:20:00.002-05:00

Over the past few days, I've realized something. Growing up seems to involve growing hard and cold, jaded by the world's connivery. Did I just make up a word? Possibly...

I don't remember the first time I ever read I Corinthians 9, but I've held it up as a guideline for creating a Christian lifestyle. If I could describe my character, I'd use the word "flexible." I try to fit into most circumstances, befriend most people, for the chance I may be able to demonstrate the gospel to someone.

For though I am free from all, I have made myself a servant to all, that I might win more of them. To the Jews I became as a Jew, in order to win Jews. To those under the law I became as one under the law (though not being myself under the law) that I might win those under the law. To those outside the law I became as one outside the law (not being outside the law of God but under the law of Christ) that I might win those outside the law. To the weak I became weak, that I might win the weak. I have become all things to all people, that by all means I might save some. I do it all for the sake of the gospel, that I may share with them in its blessings.
~I Corinthians 9:19-23

What is "character?" I decided today that character is defined by lines. Moral lines that delineate good from evil. Defensive lines that protect oneself from people of ill intent. Lines that show one's past. Lines leading to possible futures. These lines build on each other, forcing one's character into an increasingly rigid form. This process is certainly not harmful, but why do we have so many lines? Are certain lines necessary to be "grown up," "mature," or "attractive?" Should I constrain myself to appear more acceptable to others? Sometimes it seems I cannot remain "myself" while continuing to grow up in the world's eyes.

Bluesy Christmas

2009-12-29T19:34:00.001-05:00

Desiring God recently published an article about Post-Christmas Melancholy that I enjoyed, even though my Christmas was far from melancholy. Maybe you will too? :-)

I'm So Excited!

2009-12-16T22:24:00.001-05:00

EEEK! How will I be able to wait until 2011 for THIS? *sighs of rapture*

As The Ruin Falls

2009-12-13T15:39:00.002-05:00

All this is flashy rhetoric about loving you.
I never had a selfless thought since I was born.
I am mercenary and self-seeking through and through:
I want God, you, all friends, merely to serve my turn.

Peace, re-assurance, pleasure, are the goals I seek,
I cannot crawl one inch outside my proper skin:
I talk of love --a scholar's parrot may talk Greek--
But, self-imprisoned, always end where I begin.

Only that now you have taught me (but how late) my lack.
I see the chasm. And everything you are was making
My heart into a bridge by which I might get back
From exile, and grow man. And now the bridge is breaking.

For this I bless you as the ruin falls. The pains
You give me are more precious than all other gains.

~ Clive Staples Lewis

This is the poem my dad referenced in his comment on my post previous. Thanks, Pop :-)

Epiphany 2.0

2009-12-10T20:10:00.005-05:00

Yesterday I had a nice long chat with my pastor and his wife about Wycliffe Bible Translators. It was humbling and effective. I wanted to hear that I was perfect for the role and should continue in my happy way, but they probed deeper than I thought and shone light on potential problems I'd not anticipated.

Today I realized I needed to take my mind off the trivial stresses I'm currently experiencing and realize there is something beyond me that I cannot fix because Jesus is the only One who can. Rather than watching Batman Begins again, I read Called To Die by Steve Estes. It's a biography of Chet Bitterman, a linguist who worked for Wycliffe and died because of his work translating the Bible. I'm on page 116, and the thought hit me; Can I be motivated for work as a Wycliffe linguist? Jeff and Jo Smothermom (whose stories I was reading) were translating when asked to serve WBT in supportive roles. They hesitated because of their passion for the people for whom they worked. I'd be happy to serve, but could I serve as wholeheartedly and specifically as they? My pastor asked me why I wanted to translate, and the answer I gave was "so I could glorify God and enjoy him forever." Not incorrect, but way too prescripted. I am not motivated to study and fundraise for months before knowing the people for whom I'd be translating.

Dear God, please give me patience on this journey. Give me faces to identify, souls to reach, a culture to learn and a community to become part of so that I may glorify you and, with the help of the Spirit, to illumine the Scriptures to those unreached.

Thanks Be

2009-11-26T14:33:00.002-05:00

To God our Father, for his blessings are numerous. His mercies endure forever.

Who can count his benefits? Show me, if you can, the limits of his grace.

A new song I sing to my LORD, a song of gratitude and praise. May my lifelong praise be as incense to him!

Small Epiphanies

2009-11-19T18:20:00.004-05:00

"Truly, I have brought you low, in order that I may lift you up."

On Saturday I attended a recruiting event for Wycliffe Bible Translators, and found lots to love. While driving home the gravity of the opportunity came to bear on my heart. Should I leave (for two years? Five? Thirty?), I'd give up so much. Relationships would change in even more significant ways than they have since my last relocation. I'd give up my self-sufficient pride; in order to do this, I'd need to live off of the generosity of friends and supporters. I'd give up the opportunity to dance with a ministry I love. The weight of such things (most of them good gifts of God) began to pull me away from my desire for ministry. For the first time in memory, I wanted a "normal" life. I didn't even consider how I might minister here; I just wanted comfort. I knew it was wrong, and prayed for sanctification.

Wednesday was the worst day yet at my new job. Working overtime is fine, except when you've been working long hours for weeks, and your bosses are overstressed and show it, and your faults are not handled gracefully. A flicker of a thought came to mind...if I joined Wycliffe, I could escape this pressure cooker. I knew this thought was preposterous.

If I join Wycliffe and water the seeds that others have planted, it will be by God's grace alone. I cannot be motivated by comfort, or escapism, or a sense of adventure. I have a Commission, and it is calling me toward Wycliffe. I may not join or go overseas, and if I do it won't be for a while, but I am called. What can I do but follow?

"Scatter Post," As Samurai Might Say

2009-11-13T22:52:00.004-05:00

It's been entirely too long since I posted last. So sorry.

1) A happy birthday to my dear friend, whom I've nicknamed Aragorn.
2) Tomorrow I am participating in an event which may lead to further involvement in Wycliffe Bible Translators. Prayer would be appreciated.
3) Yesterday I approached my boss about a situation at work which, to me, was immoral. This was the hardest thing I've done in a while, considering the situation was hardly a problem to most of my coworkers. By the grace of God, our conversation went well and hopefully a solution will prevent itself soon. I'd rather not quit, though am (of course) willing to do so rather than compromise my morals. Thanks be to my heavenly father, who is willing and able to sustain and guide me toward his perfect goodness.

Conversations

2009-10-24T23:12:00.003-04:00

Sometimes, conversations take place over extended periods of time. Tonight, I just continued one such conversation with an artist I admire greatly, Makoto Fujimura. If you have the inclination, feel free to peruse his side of our most recent conversation. My side will (hopefully) begin in a few days, but first I have lots to think about. My company recently threw out quite a few canvases that my roommates and I rescued. I've covered half a dozen in gesso, and they wait in the basement for a creative mind and some paint. I plan to begin by recreating a horridly constructed painting of mine from high school, a sunset, because it will allow me to brush up (ha, ha...) on my painting techniques and the color wheel. After that, I hope to take a sketch I created about spiritual warfare and paint that. Mako's discussion of Rouault's spirituality has stirred up those ideas regarding art and faith which I love so much. My artwork will benefit as a result.

I Have A Blog?!

2009-10-20T22:58:00.002-04:00

Oh, yeah, the Blog! So much for Sunday Summaries. Well, here's a summary of the past 3 Sundays: Awesome. 'Cos God was there. Anyway, I read something from Chuck Colson at FCA-Doing Sports God's Way that I thought may be beneficial to you all.

Pastor Chuck Swindoll, accepting a Lifetime Achievement Award at Catalyst 09, offered the following lessons he has learned:
It’s lonely to lead. Leadership involves tough decisions. The tougher the decision, the lonelier it is.
It’s dangerous to succeed. I’m most concerned for those who aren’t even 30 and are very gifted and successful. Sometimes God uses someone right out of youth, but usually he uses leaders who have been crushed.
It’s hardest at home. No one ever told me this in Seminary.
It’s essential to be real. If there’s one realm where phoniness is common, it’s among leaders. Stay real.
It’s painful to obey. The Lord will direct you to do some things that won’t be your choice. Invariably you will give up what you want to do for the cross.
Brokenness and failure are necessary.
Attitude is more important than actions. Your family may not have told you: some of you are hard to be around. A bad attitude overshadows good actions.
Integrity eclipses image. Today we highlight image. But it’s what you’re doing behind the scenes.
God’s way is better than my way.
Christlikeness begins and ends with humility.

Challenges

2009-10-03T21:46:00.005-04:00

Sometimes, life comes at you fast. This past month has been one of those times. Going from one challenge to another messes with one's priorities. Example: Job challenges are far below spiritual challenges. As you may know, I've recently been fighting the good fight (or Fight, as it may be) to a different (higher?) degree. Yesterday, I Peter 5:7 came to mind as I was praying for the various trials of friends and family. I was (am) unable to bear up under such things; fortunately I am not required to carry even the weight of my own sin. Today I was talking with Galadriel while finishing gluten-free cookies for my Faerie roommate. We began with Keith Green and wandered all over the topics of fatalism, ideology, predestination, spiritual warfare, Eastern religion, sociology...you get the picture. I was challenged that my standard was not high enough. I see that I've taken the perspective of "well, I'm doing all I can so that must be enough." I also see that the perspective I should (and have) had is, to put it very simply, "nothing I do is good enough. God does all. Follow Him." Galadriel brought up Romans 14:23b and challenged me. I was challenged. I searched the phrase "sober minded" in the ESV, and was particuarly struck by I Peter 5:8, a good follow-up to the verse I mentioned earlier (link). I will commit these verses to memory. I will spend more time in my prayer closet. By the grace of God...

Sunday Summaries Return

2009-09-27T22:25:00.001-04:00

Some of my (very) long-time readers may remember the Sunday Summaries of the past. I've decided to renew the (almost) tradition. Ergo, the following post.

Today, my new church (what a bittersweet thought) celebrated their 25th year of existence. The sermon is not yet available, but you can find it here at some point soon. Video would be fantastic, since a lot of the service involved testimonies and drama etc. Regardless, I had a few notes I'd like to share.

John 15:1-11 came to mind at some point (don't remember the context). And then this word came... "Pray this would happen to Covenant of Grace! We are being pruned ...will we prove ourselves abiding in Christ? Only then will we bear fruit & survive the fire."
During J. Reyes' message, I heard the promise that God never lies. How refreshing!
The skit that illustrated the last 25 years of this church involved a part reflecting on the charismatic attitude during worship. I responded in my notebook with "I miss my charismatic roots! How countercultural can that be now, in a well-groomed age that has all the "answers" (i.e. Google)?

Recipes

2009-09-27T00:50:00.004-04:00

Well! What with all this "extra" time I have in my schedule after work, I've been making lots of sweet stuff with one of my housemates (not sure what to call him...working on that). Today we made Bailey's Truffle Fudge, and I highly recommend it. Before that we made ginger cookies and have made plenty of chocolate chip cookies too. I'm currently searching for a recipe for gluten-free chocolate chip cookies for my other housemate (the Faerie). Any suggestions?

Job Search = Over

2009-09-21T17:46:00.002-04:00

Today I finally deleted all 4 job searches I had with Monster.com. Whew! There were times I thought I'd never disconnect from that website. I've had those searches going since February and March, and it paid off :-) Much thanks to God our Father, who provides to each in turn!

Land of Corn

2009-09-18T16:23:00.002-04:00

Well! I have moved West! Not quite the Grey Havens, but you get the idea :-) I've had quite a few new adventures since moving. Many of them involve my daily bike ride. It's pretty cool--I wake up and have an adventure before I even get to work! I miss my Steel Town friends like mad, though. I feel like I have no social life, which is totally not true, but I'm used to having every evening and every weekend filled with friends to the max. Some wise lady I live with (we'll call her Galadriel) suggested I get my car fixed (did I mention a friend gave me her old car?!) so I won't go crazy living in the middle of all these cornfields. She didn't use those exact words...but that's basically where I'm living :-) A Steel Town friend suggested I get Twitter...I think that's a good sign I should blog more. 'Specially considering I spend significantly less time on the internet in my new surroundings.

Leaving

2009-08-27T23:17:00.002-04:00

I didn't know this could be so painful. The memories are making me woozy with tears. I am redefining myself; my childhood is tearing apart. It's not even the stuff. I can do without stuff. The people have become part of me. Saying "fare well" to live bodies is so much harder than saying "goodbye" to a corpse. They are mourning as well. I am not as important as I once thought.

I'm moving. I'll miss you. Regardless of who you are and where, our relationship is going to change and I'll miss the "old" you. What we had was good. I have faith that what we will have is better. Heaven will be best, because we will see our Savior face to face, together. At last. Completely whole, together. Thank you.

Boasting About Tomorrow

2009-08-24T23:29:00.003-04:00

Come now, you who say, “Today or tomorrow we will go into such and such a town and spend a year there and trade and make a profit”— yet you do not know what tomorrow will bring. What is your life? For you are a mist that appears for a little time and then vanishes. Instead you ought to say, “If the Lord wills, we will live and do this or that.” As it is, you boast in your arrogance. All such boasting is evil. So whoever knows the right thing to do and fails to do it, for him it is sin.
~ James 4:13-17

Today, as I drove home from a promising job interview, this verse proved to be poignantly true twice. God kept me alive for a reason...God, please help me to discern the right thing to do!

The Illumination of Scripture

2009-08-17T21:27:00.003-04:00

Aiiee! So much to blog about...so many half-baked thoughts that I haven't translated to English yet! Ah, well. Since blogging last, I've failed to blog about Zambia, fractured my fibula, gotten violently ill, traveled to the Worship God 09 conference and bid "farewell" (of sorts) to an old friend. And did I mention that the Holy Spirit has been mightily at work? Allow me to share some of his workings...

Matthew 4:1-11
Two things can be observed through this passage: The behavior of Christ and of Satan.

Jesus was following the leading of the Spirit when he went to the wilderness and fasted.
Satan came uninvited.
Satan tempted Jesus in three ways:

For natural provision (food)
To test God’s promise (protection)
His faithfulness to God

Jesus responded the same to all three temptations: With scripture.
Satan quoted scripture to Jesus as well, but Jesus responded with scripture that was in context.
Conclusion: Know Scripture! How can one wield a sword poorly forged?

Romans 7:7-25

"I do not understand my own actions. For I do not do what I want, but I do the very thing I hate. ... Wretched [wo]man that I am! Who will deliver me from this body of death? Thanks be to God through Jesus Christ our Lord! So then, I myself serve the law of God with my mind, but with my flesh I serve the law of sin." (v. 15, 24-25)

James 4:13-17
As I ponder my future and past and present, these verses are particularly poignant. Especially when placed next to some good Proverbs. One moment, I am despairing of ever moving forward. Another, I am tossed about on the winds of indecision. God is indeed my rock, refuge, and shelter.

73 New E-Mails

2009-07-17T17:31:00.001-04:00

I have returned to my parents home, with many tales of God's incomprehensible grace to share. Thank you for being part of those stories. I hope to share them soon!

God's Promises

2009-07-05T01:08:00.003-04:00

I am currently meditating on God's promises to me. A friend and I were talking, and the topic came up. I teach the 3-5 year-old class in my church's children's ministry, and one of the modules that I taught was on God's promises. It drove home the point that God always keeps his promises, which has been great encouragement to me. But tonight I was wondering exactly what God has promised me, and the few results I've come up with are astonishing. Eternal life, being an heir with Christ, a way out from temptation, gifts of the Holy Spirit, a spirit of power, love, and self-control...the list goes on. And on. I may add to what I know of this list, when it's not 1 AM the day before I leave for Zambia. Which of God's promises do you know about?

Independence Day

2009-07-04T17:08:00.003-04:00

Pet peeve: People wishing each other a "happy fourth." You know, the British had a 4th of July, too...not every nation celebrates their independence.

I leave for the African continent in about 60 hours. To celebrate, I'm eating the most American food I can think of...hamburgers, hotdogs, corn on the cob, and chocolate ice cream. The next few days will (hopefully) be full of food I've never tasted before. I'd better eat my fill :-)

May you all have profound thoughts on the definition of "freedom" today.

Birthday

2009-06-29T01:12:00.003-04:00

[So much to blog about, so little time. I may get around to it before I leave for Zambia, but probably not. Sorry, Future Self! I hope the memories stick around without the aid of this blog.]

So, my birthday was on Saturday. A friend posted 1 Timothy 4:12 on my Facebook wall, and it was really encouraging. Usually around my birthday I meditate on my own frailty, mortality, and fallenness, but this verse made me meditate on how Paul exhorted Timothy to live. "...set the believers an example in speech, in conduct, in love, in faith, in purity." Why did Paul write those things in that order? Considering that this was Paul, and it's scripture, that order was not haphazard. I'm thinking it reflects a person's character, working from what is immediately noticeable toward one's heart.

Five parts to a young leader's moral foundation...

Speech
Conduct
Love
Faith
Purity

Number 1 caught my attention. My speech habits have not been exemplary of late. I am not a perfect example in any of these five areas, but I certainly ignore my speech. Not only is it the first item on this list, it's one of the first things people notice about me. So many verses in the Bible convict me of habits that used to prick my conscience but no longer damage my calm. I pray God would give me the grace to be a loudspeaker for him, to produce only the sounds he wills me to speak.

Thanks, David, for the verse!

Story Of My Life

2009-06-20T14:43:00.002-04:00

Ironic that a webzine called Boundless would publish an article on humans' limits. Regardless, it was a good article. It outlines one of the biggest aspects of my college education.

I'm A Little In Love With Today's Weather

2009-06-20T14:09:00.002-04:00

Deep blue sky, puffs of white
alternate
dark foreboding clouds.

Sunshine chases shadow.

Wind
Trees and grass make music
birds, cicadas all
sounds carry
Hair has life of its own.

Violent energy communicates peace.

Makes me smile.

Suummmmmmmertiiiiiiiiime...And The Posting Is Seldommmmmmm...

2009-06-11T22:25:00.003-04:00

Today felt like the first "real" day of Summer. It was hot, humid, and I worked for a total of 12 hours at two jobs. Yes, I am a workaholic, and this is rarely more evident than during Summers.

Quickie update: I spent a week in a three-room apartment in NYC helping a friend reorganize her apartment and eating amazing food. Note: Don't cut through ancient plaster ceilings without knowing what's up there. There could be a live gas pipe :P When I got back, we had the last fencing practice of the year, and of our current head coach's career. Then I had my first week at my new job, which is an incredible blessing (despite appearances--isn't that how God usually works?). Then I spent three days in Akron doing sound tech work for a dance show. The show almost shocked me out of my seat...and definitely distracted me from my job :-P I hope my job didn't distract anyone from the show...

It's been a whirlwind month, and I love life like that. Unfortunately, something major in my life is changing, and I am having a hard time adjusting, and wondering if perhaps I should change in response to these new possible situations. I'm not free to discuss what it is, but I'm losing sleep over it. Encouragement has come from the oddest of places. A friend blogged about remodeling, my iPod (Max) randomly played this song, another song played in the restaurant where I work (the band seems promising). All of this in addition to good conversations with important people. God is showering grace on me constantly, pressed down and shaken together.

Speaking of grace, here's a Zambia update: I'm not 100% positive, but it looks as if (assuming I can get the deadline pushed back a few days) I'll have the Zambia trip completely paid for by next week?! Praise God in unutterable ways!

Sarah Grace Is Home!

2009-05-19T11:15:00.002-04:00

I've blogged about this in the past, but finally Sarah-Grace is on her way home! She looks so much older than she did when I first saw her...Maybe I'll get to meet her at the Knight of Betrayal.

Sunlight

2009-05-17T20:35:00.003-04:00

This band played at my sister's college recently. Even though I wasn't familiar with their music, I enjoyed it so much. This song, in particular, was so much fun live. I later found out that Noele was a "mentor" to me when I first started to play violin with my church. She sent my father a long e-mail about how a violinist can contribute to the worship experience. I admit...I turned into a fan girl and got everyone to sign a poster advertising the event. Cheesy? Perhaps. But I enjoyed it :-) Hopefully I'll see them play live again!

Zambia & Finances

2009-05-13T23:54:00.002-04:00

Update on Zambia: It's expensive!

You're probably laughing at me, and rightly so :-) I am, at times, slightly amused that I accepted such a financial responsibility while being "unemployed." My two current jobs don't count as employment, because I work approximately 40 hours/month. I could at least quadruple that.

Anyway, I'd appreciate it if y'all could pray for me. $1250 is due to the church office by Friday, and I have (maybe) half of that amount. I know that God will provide, because he is the one leading me on this trip and he fulfills all his promises. However, I need faith to believe in his promises and trust that God is not just a thought, but a real, actual being who can sustain me financially. In addition, I have an interview on Thursday with a reputable company near my neighborhood who is hiring. This job is far from my ideal job, but does involve a paycheck and might just be God's provision. I would appreciate prayer for this, as well.

Thank you so much for your support! I'm applying for a visa next weekend, just got shots, and will buy insurance tomorrow. Things are rolling, and I'm excited! Random: I'm taking the typhoid vaccination as a series of pills, because that was cheaper than an injection. So I'm currently wearing an orange rubber bracelet that says "Remember Oral Typhoid Vaccine." The reactions have been rather amusing. Everyone thinks it's some moral cause, when in fact I'm just trying to remember every other day that I can't eat for a period of 3 hours, during which I gotta swallow a plastic pill.

Walking through Ndola

2009-05-04T14:58:00.002-04:00

I've been reading the blog of Shawn, who left graduate school at Notre Dame to see what he could do to eradicate poverty. I find his Uncultured Project fascinating, because he's worked incredibly hard to sustain himself and his project. He hopes (and has succeeded) to inspire others to see what they can do to eradicate poverty. He recently blogged about walking through a slum. I was reminded of my trip to Zambia, and wondered how similar my experiences of working with people in Zambia will be.

Ze Bike

2009-05-01T15:21:00.003-04:00

Today I fixed up my bike. It was pretty fun. I've never done much to it other than filling the tires and oiling the chain. It did get a tune-up once, about a year after I got it. Today I took a toothbrush to the gears and chain, trying to get rid of the fuzzy look.

This bike (2002 Schwinn Voyageur AL) is so comfortable. I know it's a sissy bike, but considering the kind of biking I've done in the past it's great. I got it (as a graduation gift) right before biking the C & O Canal trail, which is a sissy trail, so I figured a sissy bike would be appropriate :-) My mom even likes to ride this bike because it's comfortable. So, now I'm ready for biking trips! A few of my friends are doing the MS 150 bike race, and have had several training runs already. Maybe next time they go biking I'll be able to come.

Cran-ocolate, I Mean, Choc-anberry...Something...Oatmeal Cookies

2009-04-30T00:58:00.003-04:00

Smaku's Super Cookie
Originally uploaded by Smaku.

Tonight, I invented a recipe. Well, not really, but the results were worth sharing. The cranberries add a nice aftertaste, methinks. Sorry if you find my measurements confusing... 0.5 is so much easier to understand than 1/2. Also, for some reason the original recipe said to use 4 tblsp of milk, but 0.25 cup is so much easier to measure. And thanks to these friends for inspiring me to blog recipes.

Mix together in this order:
0.5 cup butter
0.5 cup oil
1.5 cups raw sugar
2 eggs
2 tsp (or more :D) vanilla
0.25 cup milk
2 cups whole wheat flour
1 tsp baking soda
1 tsp baking powder
1 tsp salt
3 cups rolled oats
1.5 cups chocolate chips
1.5 cups dried cranberries

Bake at 325 degrees Fahrenheit for 12 minutes. My cookies didn't look all that dark, but they are supposed to be "light brown" when they get out of the oven.

Zambia Mission

2009-04-27T22:00:00.002-04:00

My church recently set up a web page that goes into the Zambia Missions trip in more detail, and has some video footage to boot. Go check it out! Also, I hear my Paypal link isn't working...I'm sorry! It works for me. It should go straight to the log-in page for Paypal, so if you don't have a Paypal account, there are other ways to give. Thanks for your interest in this trip! It is encouraging me to wait and work patiently :-)

Sparrow Alone: Some Days Are Poetry

2009-04-25T22:19:00.000-04:00

My friend had a great post today that includes some amazing poetry. I thought y'all may enjoy it...
Sparrow Alone: Some Days Are Poetry

Zambia

2009-04-22T16:40:00.006-04:00

I am writing to share some exciting news: I am going to Africa this summer! However, this trip will not be a vacation. My church, Providence Church, is partnering with Covenant Mercies to send a team of individuals to Ndola, Zambia on July 5-17. We will be building a school, distributing clothing, shoes, school supplies, and teaching community outreach classes.

This work is possible because Covenant Mercies has established relationships with a local pastor and his wife. They founded the Lighthouse Christian School, which serves underprivileged children in the area. We will be building a much-needed school building on property which is within walking distance of two large shanty villages where many of their students live. Covenant Mercies currently sponsors 141 children in Ndola. Sponsorship assists these children and their families with school tuition, clothing, food, shelter, and other essentials. The school that we will build is part of a long-term missions care for these children.

Why am I going on this trip? To share the mercy of God in tangible ways to the children and families of Ndola. God commands us to love and care for strangers, widows, and orphans. Though I am not able to extend long-term care for the people of Ndola, I am able to assist those who have been caring for them, and enable them to continue their service. Ephesians 2:10 says that we are created in Christ Jesus for good works, which God has prepared already, so we should walk in them. God has been preparing this trip for me, and I am joyfully walking it through to completion so I may glorify him.

Would you pray for this team and me? Also, would you consider supporting me financially as I raise $3,000 for this trip? Any donation would be greatly appreciated. If you would like to make a contribution, you can either contact my church and let them know that you'd like to support me (it's tax-deductible!) or donate using PayPal (see button below).

I would love to keep you updated on the progress of this trip through e-mail, so feel free to contact me with your e-mail address, and I’ll include you in the updates. Thank you for your time and prayers!

Picture source

Silent Arithmetic

2009-04-17T22:42:00.002-04:00

Not gonna lie: This was amazing.

MUTEMATH - Spotlight

Favorite moments:
Greg loses a button.
Roy's alligator claps.
Moshing with drums!
Rhodes solo!

These dudes are genii.

Language Is A Slippery Thing

2009-04-14T12:39:00.003-04:00

This post is a response to the comment made by Samurai in the post below. It's probably more of an answer than he was asking for, but I didn't have a simple answer to give. Hope it helps, Samurai!

The author of the article I reference below wrote a book about using English called The Cambridge Grammar of the English Language. I haven't read it, but based on that article I think it may be worth reading. During my formative years, I read On Writing Well by William Zinsser, which falls into some of the same traps that Strunk & White set. It was an interesting book, but like most sources, should be taken with a grain of salt. Language is constantly changing and shifting into the tool that is most useful. Trying to limit this tool is foolish. Teaching others how to use this tool, however, is necessary.

Frankly, the best sources of information on writing that I've found are my favorite authors. Study their writing, and you'll learn way more than any textbook could tell you. Their writing got your attention, didn't it? It makes sense to learn from them. Granted, having technical knowledge of grammar and literary devices will help you understand their writing. I had issues with articles of speech and syntax until I learned other languages because this technical knowledge was vital to the learning process. But don't let technique kill creativity.

I like to ask questions of authors while reading their literature. What do I like about this book? This sentence? This word picture? How does it work so well? What does the author say in his writing? Not say? Can I use these methods in my writing? What audience does this style of writing reach? Could I adapt it to reach my own audience? I could go ad nauseam, but I'm going to take a page from Zinsser and keep the fluff out :-)

White's Style Was Never Liked By Me, Anyway

2009-04-13T22:26:00.002-04:00

This article was found to be refreshing by me. :-) Though there were some extreme statements, I appreciated Geoffrey K. Pullum's bravery in exposing Strunk & White's so-called masterpiece as the foolishness that it is. Now if someone would only expose most of the recent academic opinion that's being published as research as foolishness...

Hope Deferred

2009-03-31T16:38:00.003-04:00

Lesson: If you wake up every morning to see what new offerings monster.com has, or eagerly await a phone call indicating someone's interest in your resume, you'll be disappointed. Eventually.

I thank God I was disappointed earlier rather than later. Yet another way in which I find that God is my all in all. Yet another way that I find my identity in the Cross wavering.

Musical Profiling

2009-03-30T23:55:00.002-04:00

A friend of a friend recently drew up musical profiles of our mutual friend's blog readers. I was one of them. I find the results to be quite amusing.

My Top Ten Bands (on 28 February 2009...this changes constantly)
Antonio Vivaldi
Georg Friederic Handel
Joshua Bell
Switchfoot
Mute Math
Skillet
Seamus Egan
Michael Buble
Imogen Heap
David Crowder Band

My Profile [my edits are in brackets]
Probably oldest of the 3 [who responded to my friend's post]
Quite [quiet?] Reflective Type
Financially Stable

Amusing, no? He was wrong about being oldest, and I am not quiet (though I am reflective). And I'm financially stable compared to some, so I guess that's accurate, too. How accurate do you think it is?

7 Layer Bean Dip

2009-03-22T19:00:00.002-04:00

In a super large platter (make sure it has a lip), layer:

1st Layer - 2 cans bean dip (mild or hot)
2nd Layer - 2 cans guacamole
3rd Layer - 1 c. sour cream mixed with 1 pkg. taco mix
4th Layer - 1 bundle of green onions, chopped
5th Layer - 2 tomatoes, chopped (drained)
6th Layer - 8 oz. pkg. Cheddar cheese
7th Layer - 1 sm. can black olives

This recipe has worked for me twice so far. It's great! My apologies to those who are looking for original content...thoughts on Mako Fujimara are forthcoming :-)

Music

2009-03-21T22:48:00.003-04:00

So much good music exists. Allow me to expound.

Animal Collective
I learned about this band because of an acquaintance. She's a sweet photographer! And the band is weird. I love their sound. I hope they play a concert in my city some day soon.

Reilly
This band I saw live at my sister's school. It was the first live music show I'd seen in months...besides Open Mic Night, which isn't really a show. Anyway. It was so worth the hourlong drive. Fantastic people. The lone female in the band was a mentor, of sorts, when I began to play violin with the worship team at church. I bought a CD, which I had no plans of doing. I have plans of not buying anything until I make $3,000 for Zambia, but apparently music is addicting.

Last Wednesday, I met a personal hero. More on that after I sleep a bit.

Pray For Ian

2009-03-16T21:27:00.000-04:00

Pray For Ian. He needs it. God has worked wonders in this man's life, and I am praying for more. :-)

More Artists

2009-03-10T01:22:00.007-04:00

Three blog posts in one day?! I know...I'm making up for lost time (I think). These artists use geometric patterns in their work, and I find it amusing, inspiring, and curious. I found them via Joanne Mattera's blog

Composition 69 by Julie Karabenick

The Primrose Path by Steven Alexander

Why do I find such things interesting? The color placement, mostly. The way the colors interact. The ways the shapes interact. It's not always the idea behind a painting that makes it fascinating to me. In fact, it is rarely the subject of a painting that I find interesting, but the subliminal inferrations (yes, I just invented a word) and the techniques the artist used to depict the subject.

"Carli"

2009-03-09T16:56:00.004-04:00

Remember that homeless girl I met? I saw her, and her friend, and her boyfriend the other day. I didn't have time to stop and talk, but it was good to know she's still in town and that the weather is much nicer than it was when I met her.

...Time Flies Like A Banana

2009-03-09T16:47:00.004-04:00

Terry @ Bent Objects makes me laugh. Most of the time.

The Dug-Out

2009-03-09T01:21:00.002-04:00

Why do you lie with your legs ungainly huddled,
And one arm bent across your sullen, cold,
Exhausted face? it hurts my heart to watch you,
Deep-shadow'd from the candle's guttering gold;
And you wonder why I shake you by the shoulder;
Drowsy, you mumble and sigh and turn your head...
You are too young to fall asleep for ever;
And when you sleep you remind me of the dead.
~~St. Venant, July 1918

Consuming Art

2009-02-24T03:42:00.006-05:00

Jeff Baldwin, in a course of lectures at Worldview Academy, explained to me that art has two components: Content and Form. What does one do with art that has exquisite form but awful content? One of my favorite quotes about art comes from a Spanish designer:

Creation continues incessantly through the media of man. But man does not create...he discovers. Those who look for the laws of Nature as a support for their new works collaborate with the creator. Copiers do not collaborate. Because of this, originality consists in returning to the origin.
~Antonio Gaudi

But, as Melkor did in The Silmarillion, some artists return to an impossible origin. What then? Obviously, participating in this art will result in disturbed thoughts and a faltering soul.

But can I not participate to some degree, and glean what I might find useful?

What if I enjoy this art? Does God forbid it?

God forbids many things that are deemed "good" if they are in the wrong context.

Edit: While perusing I Corinthians 15 in response to a friend's post, I read verses 33 and 34:

Do not be deceived: “Bad company ruins good morals.” Wake up from your drunken stupor, as is right, and do not go on sinning. For some have no knowledge of God. I say this to your shame.
~I Corinthians 15: 33-34

Hope

2009-02-17T23:52:00.003-05:00

When we cease to seek a world that ought to be, and stop using our imaginative capacities generatively, we have forfeited our capacity to hope, and re-create. In this sense, recreation, even the leisure of fishing, points to re-creation, our central task of rebuilding a broken universe. If a trout, or other enchanted creatures of nature, cannot be allowed to inhabit our urban world, swimming against the currents of the economy and flowing into the currents of cultural production, we have already closed the door to the generative reality, making the re-humanization of our world unattainable.
~Makoto Fujimura

Sometimes, artists use words instead of paint. I would like to be in the business of hoping, as Mako is.

It's the Late, Late--I mean, Really Early Show!

2009-02-14T03:31:00.003-05:00

Yes, yes...it's 4 AM and I cannot sleep. Methods I've tried tonight:

Staring at the ceiling
Staring at the insides of my eyelids
Listening to music in my head
Praying (I lack the discipline to pray for 4 straight hours)
Reading
Sketching

The painting in the post below has my artistic mind churning. I tried to sketch a sunset resembling Munch's, with some of my own technique, but couldn't figure out how to make the sunrays and the waves interact. So then I got out some color, hoping that would help...but I think pastel is the wrong media for such a blatant image. Too soft. Also, I should get/make a blending pencil. Some day.

I'm kinda concerned that I can't sleep. College fencing practice is tomorrow, and I'd really like to go, but after that I have set-up for church (it's in a different location, ergo the Saturday set-up) and then 4 hours of work. I've been doing nothing all week due to illness, so I'm concerned that no sleep + fencing + set up + work could equal a sicker Elf come Sunday morning. Sigh. And I already didn't go to practice on Thursday because I didn't feel good.

Oh wow! I haven't blogged about the tournament last weekend yet! Well, then, here's the report.

The weekend was a smashing success. My fears about what could happen when a bunch of college students rent some hotel rooms for a weekend were unfounded, at least for the night I spent with them. Thank God! I fenced the best I ever have in my life, which is remarkable because by 2 PM I was a metabolic mess. I had failed to carbo-load the day before the tournament, so after a few hours of fencing my body had no more energy to give my muscles or my brain. Ergo I could have won the bronze medal match for my team, but failed by one point. I tracked my performance, and won 7 bouts in a row before crashing...maybe next time I'll be able to extend that streak by planning better. Ah well. 4th place out of 20 colleges ain't bad, and we even got medals! So now I can say I medalled in a collegiate fencing conference :-)

The girls fenced the first day and the guys fenced the day afterward, so for the day that I was fencing I had a wonderful support group of guys from the team. Will was our main coach, and did a fantastic job. If he weren't so keen on leaving my city I'd ask him to join my coaching staff. Josh, who is planning to get his Master's degree in fencing (ack! So jealous), helped me with doing specific drills for some of my opponents, and tried to get me to fence smarter :-P Maybe I should ask him to join my staff...

Why did I fence so much better that weekend than other tournaments? The team aspect made a huge difference to me--I'm used to it because of high school. Individual bouts were better because I was not trying to analyze every scrap of information I could. Apparently I fence better when I'm slightly spaced out! By the end of the day I was pretty giddy and probably annoyed a lot of my teammates. Oops. Being sick didnt help that.

A note on some teams...our first match was against Swarthmore College, our hosts. None of us had warmed up (BAD idea), so we lost miserably. But we finished way ahead of them in the standings. Huh. Navy had a team there...and I was like "oh these girls should be fun to beat," expecting them to be all hardcore etc. Nope. Not so much as a fleche out of them. (PS I scored on fleches a lot! Weird.) William & Mary's team looked like they could all be relatives...after our match, one of their girls asked me if I spoke Icelandic. I don't, but told her I was a linguistics major, which made her explode in joy. Rather funny to watch someone else have reactions that I usually have :-) We had beaten Florida earlier in the day, but they beat us in the bronze medal match. Both matches were won or lost by one bout. They were a frustrating team to fence, but it was good fencing.

Also, I found a magic weapon. Well, ok, it wasn't magical, but the grip (large Belgian) fit my hand remarkably well, and though the blade had several weak spots (I prayed it wouldn't break on any of my opponents), it was light enough that the weight of the weapon was pretty far toward my hand. Yay! It's a lot easier to fence with lighter weapons and/or weapons that are weighted toward the hand. I was borrowing this particular weapon from Alex, because all of my weapons failed. Jason fixed one of my weapons and fell in love with it (it has a German grip and really flexible blade), so I told him I'd trade it for Alex's weapon (named Lucille). Maybe I should show up at practice tomorrow, if only to see if Jason got that worked out with Alex!

With that, I think I'm going to try this novel thing they call "sleeping."

Edvard Munch

2009-02-13T22:09:00.005-05:00

Images move me. This particular image I found because of the D'arte Board.

The Sun by Edvard Munch

I could stare at this painting for a long time and still be learning. Agh! This is why they say a picture is worth a thousand words...I can't really describe to you why I appreciate it. Edvard Munch used "blood" a lot to describe the substance of a sunset, and he got it here. It's elegantly violent, what with the water and rocks and shooting red/blue/yellow rays. And then the ring pattern around the sun. Some day I would like to get a large poster version of this and hang it in my studio space.

Please, please tell me you recognize this artist. Recently his most famous painting was stolen and damaged by the thieves. The news made me sick to my stomach.

Images move me.

Layout

2009-02-13T11:36:00.005-05:00

Welcome to my new--well, different-- blog! A certain feline friend of mine texted me yesterday and said "I need ur username and password for Blogger to upload ur new layout." And I was like "oh? I have a new layout?" And this is what I found when I got home :-) Isn't it beautiful? As Jason noted below, I've always had a pre-fab design, which was adequate for my blog (I do love green), but really wasn't as unique as the blogger. So I'm happy that someone who knows HTML better than I has made it unique. The elf in the header looks remarkably accurate.

Changes, however, will probably occur, since there are always rough spots in transitions, such as my Flickr flash disappearing. Also, even though 99% of the people in my city identify with the colors of black and gold (as well as many outside of my city), it just doesn't resonate with my blog so much. Maybe because I associate black and gold with football, I just can't see it working in an elvish realm :-) So the green is on its way back.

Storytelling

2009-02-10T19:55:00.002-05:00

Thanks to Dord Defined, I heard this sermon and thought it would be worth remembering and sharing :-)

Home Less

2009-02-04T23:53:00.003-05:00

Today, I had the privilege of spending about an hour and a half with a homeless girl. I honestly can't remember her name, so I'm going to call her Carli. She and her friend were panhandling on one of the many steep roads that lead to my college campus. "Stranded!" their sign announced. And then more letters and something about being "...very hungry!" My heart flip flopped, and I pulled over.

I've been reading a book called Under the Overpass, which hasn't changed my views on homeless people, but has strongly encouraged me to put those views into practical application. My policy: I never approach homeless or panhandling men. When they approach me, I'm extremely cautious and never give them anything (except maybe the time of day or directions). I would love to change this policy, but experience has taught me that strangers, and especially male strangers, should not be trusted. Most of the homeless that I've seen are male, so my ability to minister to the homeless is frighteningly small. Ergo I've been praying that God might put me in the path of some homeless females.

Lo and behold, God answered my prayers today! Honestly, I drove around the block several times while wrestling with the duty that called. I had a purpose that didn't include these young women. I didn't know who they were, or what they were doing, or what they could do. A quick call to my mom confirmed that my purpose and questions were disposable, and this is the first time I've seen women panhandling in months. So, I parked and introduced myself to Carli and her friend. I offered a ride, and mentioned food. They jumped at the chance, deciding that Carli would come with me and her friend would watch their stuff and wait to meet Carli's boyfriend. So, my adventure began.

After blasting the heat in hopes that Carli would stop shivering, I drove all around Oakland looking for a parking spot. A grocery store was very close to where I picked her up, but had no parking, so we meandered around (and narrowly avoided crashing into a bus--not my fault!) for a long time, looking for a store with a parking lot. Giant Eagle appeared unexpectedly, and in we went. I told Carli to get whatever she wanted, and she kept her costs around $10, despite my offers of band-aids for her blisters and some purified water. Efficient shopper, that girl!

Throughout this trip, I learned that Carli was a native to this city, but left home at the age of 16 because there was no more home. Her father died, various family members fell ill...so she started drifting. She'd been to lots of places throughout the US, traveling on the Greyhound, which sounded cool to me. She and her friend were living under a bridge in a park near my school, and had made friends with the guy who lived under the other end of the bridge. Do I believe her story? Yes. Do I think she could be living in a more secure place, with a more secure future? Yes to the first part, no to the second. Surely her wanderlust had compounded problems that were already there, ergo her constant wandering and lack of resources. However, none of us have a secure future. If I were in her shoes, I can't say I'd make different choices.

This venture opened up so many possibilities. Forget that I never finished my shopping list. Forget that my wallet is $11 lighter and that I used a lot of gas while looking for a parking lot. Mostly what I'd like to do is learn how to help her more. Sure, what I did might have fed her and her friend for a bit, and the heat in the car felt good, and hopefully our conversation was uplifting, but is that really helping? She mentioned hanging out at a christian shelter called "Connections," but I can't find anything on the internet related to that. I'm really curious about the possibility of volunteering with some such place, though.

Regardless of what I feed her or can do for her physical needs, she needs one thing only: Salvation by Christ alone. Carli told me that she loves Jesus and wants to be like him, but despises organized religion. She went to a Catholic school as a child, and knew some interesting things about the Bible. "Revelations is is WEIRD, man," and "those books--some former generation decided what goes in the Bible and what stays out--how do we know that it's OK for us today?" were two notable quotes. I mentioned that my church was unaffiliated, but couldn't remember the word..."like, non-denominational?" she asked. She seemed cool with that idea, and suddenly changed her opinion and said she likes to go to church and be with people who love each other and love God. Hmm. I regret not asking her to come to my church, but I knew she'd be unable to get there and I won't be at church this coming Sunday, so I am praying that she goes to some church, or that Connections will provide some spiritual guidance, or that God somehow moves in her life so she realizes what she needs.

Why do I write such things? Not to say anything about myself or Carli, but so that you, my dear readers, might be encouraged to see God in this situation and in situations around you. I pray that you and I will be salt unto the earth, that you would see God at work around you, and that you would seek to be part of it.

Please pray with me for Carli, her friend, and her boyfriend.

Yay 2009!

2009-02-02T23:59:00.002-05:00

The first month of 2009 has been full of God's grace! Allow me to recount his blessings, and please forgive my scattered recollections...

I spent the first few days of 2009 (and the last few days of 2008) in Akron, OH. I am seriously considering the possibility of God moving me to that city in order to glorify and enjoy him there. Nothing is wrong with where I am now, though. My heart sometimes fills with tension when I consider my future.

Speaking of my future, I've been applying for quite a few jobs since finishing college (I haven't graduated yet, but that's a long story...). No interviews. Huh. I'm tempted to doubt God's grace in this area, but he has provided for me in so many ways through so many times that reason demands I continue to daily place my faith in him. The struggle to trust him for a job in the right place has been oddly constant, but I'm learning more about perseverance. And I can't honestly say I'm uncomfortable about it. Learning about perseverance and faith in such pleasant circumstances is a surprise.

When I returned from my sojourn in Akron, I was privileged to sit under some amazing teaching at my local church. This message about fear brought about some particularly sweet times of repentance. I realized that I've been idolizing fencing, and trying to plan my future around my high school team at the expense of God's plans for me. As a result, I've been afraid of change, lest my idol fall. Because of Mr. Pierson's ministry, I've shifted my priorities into a more correct formation, and though the thought of leaving my team still makes me sad, I am willing to follow Christ joyfully, into whatever future he has planned for me.

Concerning fencing, my high school team is doing all right. Authority is a dangerous tool. I enjoy wielding it, but am constantly aware that I could be abusing it. A friend who fenced with me in high school returned to help coach for a few weeks before leaving to serve with the Marines. It was great to hang out with him, because his Senior year of high school was fraught with troubles, some of his own doing and some of divine intervention. Since joining the Marines, he has regained control over his life, and redeemed his time in the military well. When he finishes, he hopes to come help me coach again. I hope so! I am praying fervently that he gives authority of his life to God, who helped him conquer drugs and addictive habits. What a sweet thing that would be. His situation gives me hope for some who are currently in the fencing program.

And also, soon I will be able to say that I competed as a collegiate fencer. Next weekend I am headed East to participate in a large fencing tournament for college fencing clubs. I'm so excited! I hope I am able to keep my scheming mind calm enough to compete well and also be a witness to those who are in the darkness. I suspect I am the only Christian going on this trip, and there will be many opportunities to display my hope in Christ.

I'm also able to say that I've been ice climbing and mountaineering :-) I spent approximately 24 hours with a family in my church, and what fun we had! It actually was more than 24 hours, if one counts the service we rendered to the church as part of the Tech team. After church, a lot of people went sledding, which provided me an opportunity to ask Mr. C about ice climbing. He had tentative plans to go the next day, and invited me. The family was kind enough to share dinner and give me a place to sleep until we departed at 6 AM. We climbed and mountaineered for most of the day, and finished with a trip to Sheetz. Dinner followed at their home, then I went to my house to recuperate. I was bruised and beaten and inspired. I can't thank them enough for 1) planning the trip, 2) coming on the trip, or 3) staying home and caring for the rest of the family while the crazy people went climbing. I love climbing. It's the best (and safest) adrenaline rush I've experienced so far :-) Here are photos, if you're interested.

And I'm happy to say I've done all this without missing a high school fencing practice :-) Though my attendance at college practices have been lax...

Random: I'm developing a taste for coffee. Odd!

Yay 2009?

2009-01-09T15:35:00.001-05:00

Yay!

Random, I know. See Jason's Ode.

Amazement

2008-12-18T01:32:00.002-05:00

And they say we just happened by chance...also, how is it that something built 2,000 years ago took us a hundred years to figure out?

Also, I'm amazed at my recent ability to track my packages on the internet. Right now, my climbing shoes are in Salt Lake City, UT :-)

One more thing...I'm amazed that I haven't posted in almost a month. Silly me. Semester review is coming up soon :-)

Sarah Grace

2008-11-24T21:01:00.003-05:00

While writing my last post, I thought quite a bit about adoption. Thoughts about adoption bring to my mind thoughts about a particular family, who is in the process of adopting. Will you pray for them and their daughter?

Adoption

2008-11-24T14:06:00.002-05:00

What a beautiful example of redemption. I was adopted, you know...God now treats me as his child, rather than his enemy.

1 Peter 3:7

2008-11-21T12:01:00.003-05:00

Likewise, husbands, live with your wives in an understanding way, showing honor to the woman as the weaker vessel, since they are heirs with you of the grace of life, so that your prayers may not be hindered.

This passage has always bothered me. How should I respond to it? Male and female roles in society have changed a lot from what they used to be, and will change again, I'm sure. So my initial response was to shove it under the (often inaccurate) blanket statement that, well, it must have been a cultural thing, and it doesn't apply to me now. But if all scripture is inspired by God and useful for many things, then how did this verse get into the Bible? The implications are a lot more serious than merely a cultural difference. Prayer is not a cultural thing, so how could Peter say that it could be hindered by something cultural?

After attacking this from a lot of different angles, the Holy Spirit illumined the scriptures to me. This passage is making no claims that all women are weaker than all men. I am not married, right? So it is making no claims about me, either. And if I am to be married some day, then I most certainly do want to marry a man who is spiritually stronger than I so that he can lead our family. So, when I get married, this verse will certainly apply to my husband. COOL!

3rd Party Woes

2008-10-24T23:52:00.005-04:00

Vote (noun): The right to indicate a choice in an election.
Note that this definition doesn't say that the vote matters, just that it is indicated.

I cannot, in good conscience, choose McCain as President.

I will not vote for Obama for many, many reasons.

Problem? I think not, because I have more than two choices. Do you know how many people are running for President of the United States? I had to look it up. Six. Even the government's website only had two listed (anyone else find this outrageous and sick?). Did you know a Black woman was running for President? From the look of things, she has some good credentials, too. Just to be fair, there's this guy again and the Libertarian and the man I'm voting for.

If only the media were a bit more liberal in their coverage. Not Liberal, mind you, but liberal. Maybe "balanced" is a better word. Why do we hear so much about Sarah Palin and Barack Obama? Why is the media practically making up stuff to report about the Republican and Democrat nominees when there are four others who don't get coverage? Why aren't other candidates included in the debates?

Because the average voter is content to eat what mainstream media feeds them.

Forget about Left and Right. There's Up, and Down, and Forward, and Backward. Who knew?

"All education is self education." (Louis L'Amour) If people would educate themselves about the candidates they may choose, I'm convinced that the two domineering parties would be overtaken quite easily.

From what I've learned in my Game Theory class, my vote matters very little when it comes to national politics (one reason why I invest more in local politics than national politics). Besides, there's the Electoral College, which isn't even required to vote according to the wishes of the people they represent. However, my vote still matters because it indicates which candidate I choose and which candidates I do not choose. If not choosing McCain means that Obama gets in office, so be it. My conscience is at rest. God is omnipotent, and I pray he gives me the faith to let him control the election's outcome.

I'm debating about getting this shirt for $5. Two negatives: it costs $5 and it's white. But it involves kayaking (woohoo!) and politics.

Education Reform and the Presidential Race

2008-10-20T19:54:00.003-04:00

This article (yes, I know, another link to Boundless) is a perfect example of why the education system in the United States should be demolished. Even as someone who wasn't mass-educated with peers, the system still affects me in negative ways. I hate it.

Which is why I'm voting for Chuck Baldwin as President. The man wants to disband the Department of Education, which is one of the things that Ron Paul wanted to do. By the way, Ron Paul endorsed Chuck Baldwin. While voting for Chuck isn't quite like voting for Ron Paul, I'm more confident in a vote for Chuck than I would be for any other candidate. Chuck's policies resonate with my convictions except in one area. He's said nothing about the environment and the so-called energy crisis, and I care very much about those issues.

Some would say that I'm throwing my vote away on a candidate who will never get into office. I disagree. Vehemently. Voting for one of two majority parties, neither of which I support or agree with, is throwing my vote away. Voting for the candidate who seems most likely to get into office but barely agrees with my views on anything is foolish. I don't want McCain in office! Sure, he's pro-life, but consider that he won't have power to stop abortion! I don't agree with his energy policy or his foreign policy or his VP candidate or the reasons why he chose Sarah Palin as his VP candidate. And yet, I can't vote for Barack Obama. The man has terrible views on foreign policy and would bring this country even closer to a socialist state. I can't vote for that.

I'm sick of this two-party majority.

Story of My (Night) Life

2008-10-15T00:26:00.002-04:00

Daydreaming at Night
Thoughts spinning, I write
Nonsense over again.

Heart thumping, breathing,
Eyes open, staring
I want to fall asleep.

Analyzing all
Anything at all
My brain won't stop thinking.

Metallic tasting
I search for something
That makes my brain shut off.

No rest for the weary.

The Office

2008-10-09T04:51:00.004-04:00

Today I was able to help around my church's office for a bit while Mom got ready to leave. As I was scribbling an address on a package, the assistant pastor walked up and sighed.
"Can I help you?" I asked.
"Nahh...I'm just tired."
"Oh. How many hours of sleep did YOU get last night?"
"Well, um...probably more than you did!"

I don't know if I got more or less sleep than he did, but that post on tithing took quite a bit of time out of last night. So when I got home from the office I slept for 6 hours, and here I am...awake still! 5 AM! Yay!

Remember how I watched a lot of action flicks this Summer during late nights? Now that school has started, I'm memorizing vocab lists :-) And occasionally researching theological topics.

Tithing

2008-10-08T00:29:00.002-04:00

The two responses I've had to my last post indicate that I need to clarify my position on tithing. Thank you to those who responded! You challenged me to evaluate tithing from a strictly biblical perspective.

As a child, I learned about giving. My parents often gave me quarters to put in the offering box. (Why? I'm not sure.) The children's ministry in my church once did a skit about tithing. One of my teachers dressed up as a Hebrew woman, put some oranges in a basket, prayed that God would use them for his glory, and left them on a shelf. This left a big impact on me, because it was the first time I associated tithing with glorifying God. I remember distinctly getting $2 from somewhere (probably a gift-I was about 4) and deciding I would give it to God. So I dressed up as a Hebrew girl, put my $2 in a basket, prayed that God would use it for his glory, and left it on my dresser for weeks. I expected them to disappear. Nothing happened. I put them in the offering box at church, figuring it was more convenient for God to use them there. God still hasn't taken my tithes directly from me.

I couldn't think of any verses relating to tithing off the top of my head. That was embarrassing. The closest thing I could remember was the spiritual gift of giving (which I've prayed to receive). So I searched in my concordance for "tithe." There were 35 verses containing the word.

Tithing is first mentioned when Moses talked to God on Mt. Sinai. People were supposed to give gifts to God, and quite a few gifts are mentioned. The only quantitative value mentioned, however, is a tenth of seeds, fruit, and animals. All these gifts (not just the tithe) were given to the Levites, because they served in the Temple. The Levites were supposed to tithe on the tithes they collected. However, tithes also went to travelers, orphans, and widows.

Then there's the "Robbing God" passage, which seems to be a popular source of ideas on tithing.

Will man rob God? Yet you are robbing me. But you say, ‘How have we robbed you?’ In your tithes and contributions. You are cursed with a curse, for you are robbing me, the whole nation of you. Bring the full tithe into the storehouse, that there may be food in my house. And thereby put me to the test, says the Lord of hosts, if I will not open the windows of heaven for you and pour down for you a blessing until there is no more need. I will rebuke the devourer for you, so that it will not destroy the fruits of your soil, and your vine in the field shall not fail to bear, says the Lord of hosts. Then all nations will call you blessed, for you will be a land of delight, says the Lord of hosts.

This makes sense from personal experience and other testimonies. My parents have gone through periods of tithing and not tithing, and God was faithful to provide in either situation. But, according to my father, my family was blessed to not just "get by" but give sacrificially when tithing. However, I don't think God will only bless those who tithe. That's ridiculous; it ignores the grace that God continually pours on us, whether we acknowledge him or not. But it is a wonderful opportunity for God to prove his faithfulness and use us as tools for his will. Don't you want to be part of God's plan? I do! I think tithing can be one way that we participate in God's will.

Tithing is not supposed to be a burden. Jesus hated legalism, and said so with pretty strong language.

“Woe to you, scribes and Pharisees, hypocrites! For you tithe mint and dill and cumin, and have neglected the weightier matters of the law: justice and mercy and faithfulness. These you ought to have done, without neglecting the others. You blind guides, straining out a gnat and swallowing a camel!"

But I would argue that, if you find tithing to be a burden, your wallet is not at fault. Your heart is. I do not know anyone who is destitute. I've never met anyone who is destitute, even the panhandlers that line the streets of my city. This is fodder for another blog post, but none of them have ever taken my offer of a free lunch after I refuse to give them money. I am not destitute, despite being what most classify as a "poor college student." I don't know any poor college students. If you're in college, which is an incredible privilege, you are not poor. Granted, you probably have a huge financial responsibility, but the fact that you were able to take on that responsibility indicates some amount of resources. If God has indicated that, by going to college, you are giving sacrificially, great! He hasn't given me that desire, but I'm not going to rule it out as a possibility for others.

The Bible doesn't reference a group of people who should not tithe. Even in the New Testament, Jesus encouraged his disciples (most of whom did not have jobs) to give sacrificially, and praised a woman who gave every financial asset she had.

And he sat down opposite the treasury and watched the people putting money into the offering box. Many rich people put in large sums. And a poor widow came and put in two small copper coins, which make a penny. And he called his disciples to him and said to them, “Truly, I say to you, this poor widow has put in more than all those who are contributing to the offering box. For they all contributed out of their abundance, but she out of her poverty has put in everything she had, all she had to live on.”

Financial assets are not the only thing that God commands us to give. He commands us to give him everything. What's the difference between tithing and sacrificial giving? To tithe means to give 10% of one's income, but does sacrificial giving encompass that? Cain and Abel offered the fruits of their labor to God, which I'm sure was not easy to do, considering their working and living conditions.

Tithing is mentioned in the New Testament as something that Jews did, in a mostly legalistic sense. Jesus never commanded us to tithe in the New Testament. However, in Hebrews 7 (interesting chapter...go read it!), tithing is mentioned as part of the Law, which could not provide perfection.

Now if perfection had been attainable through the Levitical priesthood (for under it the people received the law), what further need would there have been for another priest to arise after the order of Melchizedek, rather than one named after the order of Aaron? [...] For on the one hand, a former commandment is set aside because of its weakness and uselessness (for the law made nothing perfect); but on the other hand, a better hope is introduced, through which we draw near to God. [...] For it was indeed fitting that we should have such a high priest, holy, innocent, unstained, separated from sinners, and exalted above the heavens. He has no need, like those high priests, to offer sacrifices daily, first for his own sins and then for those of the people, since he did this once for all when he offered up himself.

So, then, I think we're called to a standard above and beyond a simple tithe in the same way that Jesus went above and beyond the standards of Levitical priesthood. Ever heard The Sheep And The Goats by Keith Green? It references the Final Judgment in Matthew 25. That kind of giving is far beyond tithing, and is motivated by love, not duty.

So, why do I tithe? 10% is not a magical number. It is, however, a historical benchmark that I find useful to evaluate just what, exactly, I ought to give my church. Ideally, I would tithe from every pay check consistently because it serves as a reminder of my financial priorities. When God calls me to go above and beyond that, I pray that my heart is willing and ready to follow his calling. I won't judge others because they don't tithe, but I do think it is important that Christians make it a priority to honor God with their finances and give when he leads them to.

If I am wrong, please tell me how! If you're struggling with giving sacrificially, please talk to someone about it! If you have repented of your sins and are seeking to love God with all your heart, your soul, your mind, and your strength, it is important to put your money where your mouth is.

The LORD Is At Hand, And Will Provide

2008-10-06T01:46:00.003-04:00

Lately I've been feeling distant from God. I "feel" him when I pray and worship, but there's a constant nearness of God that I've been missing for the past few days. Tonight I reluctantly opened my Bible to Jeremiah 16, wondering if I should be reading something more emotional to get that "nearness" feeling back. But this chapter was next on my list, so I read it.

Then I ran into verses 10-12.

“And when you tell this people all these words, and they say to you, ‘Why has the Lord pronounced all this great evil against us? What is our iniquity? What is the sin that we have committed against the Lord our God?’ then you shall say to them: ‘Because your fathers have forsaken me, declares the Lord, and have gone after other gods and have served and worshiped them, and have forsaken me and have not kept my law, and because you have done worse than your fathers, for behold, every one of you follows his stubborn, evil will, refusing to listen to me.

God pushed a button.

I'm not disciplined with tithing, and God showed me that I've been making my tuition bill a financial idol. I haven't forgotten to tithe, but I've pushed it back "until this bill gets paid." Um. The point of tithing is giving God the FIRST fruits of my labor, not the dregs. *cough*

Soooooo, maybe I've been feeling distant from God because I'm not completely focused on him? DUH.

Tonight I sorted through months of pay stubs and figured out what I should have tithed and stuck a check in my Bible for next Sunday. But I found something among all those pay stubs. I found a paycheck that more than covered what I should have been tithing...so...it kinda drove home the point that what I have is not mine. It's God's, and I'm foolish to think that I can keep what is rightfully his. He provides, even for tithing.

Fireproof

2008-10-01T21:12:00.004-04:00

I came away from this movie with two dominant thoughts: I would never be able to love anyone unconditionally on my own, and I am so glad that someone loves me unconditionally. This movie was superb in almost all aspects. The content sets it apart from most films in that it shows Love, not fluffy romance.

Technically, this movie is much better than the average low-budget religious film. The Kendrick brothers (a director/producer duo) seem to have learned a lot from Facing the Giants, and put that experience and knowledge to work even harder on Fireproof. The actors did a tough job very well, especially for inexperienced volunteers. There were moments where I wished certain actors would diversify their facial expressions and poses, but the acting rarely felt forced and flowed smoothly. The soundtrack did exactly what it was supposed to do: Support the actors' emotions and occasionally become part of the story. The song "While I'm Waiting" became part of the story, and I loved it.

Most religous films get uncomfortably preachy. Some deal with this up front (like VeggieTales). Some try to hide it, and generally fail miserably. Fireproof was not preachy; it was a story. Everything that happened was for the sake of character development or the plot. At no point did I ever feel like someone broke the 4th wall (which is when movies start to get preachy) and gave me info that could possibly help me, but had little to do with the story. However, as I thought about the movie, I was reminded of Bible verses and sermons that expounded upon topics that were integral to the film and applicable to my life. It was PERFECT!

You've probably heard me rant before about the Disney Princess Franchise. I have come to hate Disney Princess movies and other such romantic trash. There is little redeeming value in those stories, and they've brainwashed my generation of women to expect perfection from obviously flawed men. What's more romantic than a man devoted to a wife who will not love him? I work in a household where the husband shoulders a staggeringly large burden in order to care for his wife, and in two years I've never heard him complain about it. That's romantic. "Making out" under the Eiffel Tower is not romantic. Romance is when a wife lays down her agenda and desires to follow her husband to the ends of the earth, not waking up when the "right" man (i.e. whoever happens to find her first) kisses her.

So this movie was like water to my romantically parched soul. At the same time it gave me hope and despair. Despair that I will ever be able to love the way God does, and hope that God can change the hearts of sinful, dirty humans like me. My ideals of Love were challenged. I realized that a marriage can reflect the Love that Christ has for the Church, and I also realized that I know much less about Love than I thought I did. My first thought when the end credits rolled was, "man, I am never going to be able to get married." And then, "but honestly, would I want marriage if it meant anything less than what I just saw?" The answer was, of course, no. So now, instead of looking for a husband, I am looking for Christ in a man. And training myself to Love unconditionally. I think the latter will be the hardest.

Ack! I'd love to talk about details, but the movie is SO GOOD if you don't know the story. So go watch it. Then talk to me about details. Go watch it multiple times, in fact. The first time I saw it was the best, but the second time was more meaningful, if that makes any sense whatsoever. I'd like to go watch it a third time...my brain still hasn't processed everything that happened, and the story is SO GOOD!

Dear Kendrick Brothers, please make a sequel to Fireproof! Caleb and Katherine could have children, and you could call it Childproof! :-P

More Boundless

2008-09-25T17:47:00.003-04:00

The title of this post makes no grammatical sense. But we all know that Boundless is a noun and an adjective, right? :-P

This post was particularly good, and appropriate for the season. I suggest you read it, and keep your eyes peeled.

"Don't just follow your heart, lead your heart!"

2008-09-24T02:32:00.003-04:00

I learned about Fireproof via Josh Harris' blog. It's being made by the same church who did Facing the Giants (which I still have not seen). Anyone want to go? It's at a theater very close to my house and I'll be going on Friday...and hopefully on Sunday, if it warrants a second viewing.

Offshore Drilling

2008-09-19T12:41:00.002-04:00

I found this graphic via EcoGeek. Please allow me to state that I have no opinion on offshore drilling...most reports I've seen of that situation are extremist and emotional, and I don't want to form an extremist, emotional opinion. If any of you happen to have some balanced proof as to why offshore drilling should or should not happen, please share! I'm sick of listening to people who either have no regard for Creation or who think that preservation of Nature is more important than preservation of Mankind.

Anyway. This graphic uses stats taken from the US government (which isn't a reliable source, but that's another topic). It's the first attempt at an objective evaluation of offshore drilling that I've seen. And I find it amusing.

Not only would it take years for such a thing to reach peak production, it would only produce 200,000 barrels/day, which is about 1% of overall predicted production.

I still don't have an opinion on offshore drilling, but I think those who expect it to lower gas prices might want to look for a different solution.

Bengal Cat

2008-09-18T23:31:00.001-04:00

Leo-kitten
Originally uploaded by Norma1.

I WANT ONE!

With shockingly green eyes, and large spots.

I'll probably adopt it, since buying an expensive breed is (in my opinion) ridiculous.

Some day.

Rock Climbing

2008-09-11T20:14:00.001-04:00

Climber
Originally uploaded by Tyromind.

Today, I went top roping for the first time since I knew what I was doing (last time was at Ohiopyle with a dude in our church who took a bunch of us climbing. It took me 3 tries to climb 10 feet.). It was FUN! I tell ya, if everyone could find a means of exercise that made them this excited, there would be a lot less fat people in this world.

Adrenaline rushes are addicting. Dude, I thought jumping off the wall when bouldering (a 12 foot drop) was fun...try belaying off the top of a 30 foot wall! Also, every time I push myself to reach for something that I don't want to risk and/or don't think I can do, and make it, I get euphoric. Handel's Messiah plays in my head. Fun stuff. If only I had more endurance in my upper body!

(If you're wondering how I'm learning to climb, my school has a pretty nice wall that they use to teach classes. Yes, I'm getting college credit to learn how to climb stuff :-D )

Live Like You Were Dying

2008-09-05T00:12:00.003-04:00

People say one should live as if life would end soon. Tonight, as I watched the night sky, I thought of my list of "Things I Want To Do If I Ever Am Diagnosed With Something Terminal." One of those things is going to Alaska and watching the Northern Lights.
"Why don't I just drop everything and go see the Northern Lights now?" I asked myself.
Self replied, "Well, you do have a job to do this weekend, and school on Monday. You can't ignore those responsibilities."
"Yes, but what if I found out that I will probably die in 3 weeks? What then? What if I suddenly die without any warning? Wouldn't my trip to Alaska be justified?"
"Well, yeah," said Self. "Well, no! I mean...if you're going to die soon, you'll be with Jesus soon. So what's the point of seeing the Northern Lights? Sure, I've never experienced them but they are definitely not as amazing as Jesus' face. Why focus on carnal pleasure when you're so close to spiritual wholeness?"
"Then why do so many people focus on fulfilling 'dreams' when they get to the end of life? Hmm...shouldn't life be continually fulfilling a big dream? I.e. purpose? And if God's given me a purpose in this life, then if I were to learn that I'd die before Christmas, I shouldn't want to do anything differently than what God has me doing now."
"Weird. But it makes sense, too. Because how will one glorify God and enjoy him if one were to just satisfy carnal desires for the entirety of one's life? Such a life would be empty."
"..."
"Exactly. I think you need to rewrite your 'Things I Want To Do If I Ever Am Diagnosed With Something Terminal' list."
"In order to live as if I were dying, I'd need to live as if I were fulfilling God's purpose for me, which would be my dream. I, uh...certainly don't think along these lines when I wake up on the average morning."
"Looks like we have an attitude adjustment to make! Hurry, let's sleep so the morning comes sooner!"

[Yes, I know the title of this post is from a country song. For the record, that song is, musically speaking, horrible. But the line was good.]

Nature Speaks of God

2008-08-11T19:38:00.002-04:00

The heavens declare the glory of God,
and the sky above proclaims his handiwork.
Psalm 19:1

And God came here? To save us?

[Note: There will be a meteorite shower very early on Tuesday morning...check it out!]

The Power of Words and The Wonder of God

2008-08-05T00:28:00.003-04:00

I recently went to WorshipGod 08, which was the best conference I've been to in years. I hope to blog about that eventually...but, while I was there, they mentioned the Desiring God 08 conference, and I dearly want to go to that! Anyone want to come with me? I'd stay at the Minneapolis International Hostel, which is "for the budget traveler" (read: Cheap).

What a wonderful opportunity this would be for me as a linguist! What a wonderful opportunity for those of you who use language! Anyone else interested in going?

AHC

2008-07-24T00:38:00.004-04:00

You're looking at the new Associate Head Coach of my fencing club. Scary, ain't it? I tell ya, responsibility can be a great agent for commitment. This next season will be a huge challenge...bring it on! I'm not comfortable in my position yet, but I'm going to take the advice my coach gave me in high school: Make aggressive mistakes! I was driving home from the fencing awards tonight pondering this, and recognizing that my pedestal is now higher...which means a fall would be harder. But the Gospel Song sprang to my lips...Praise God, for from him ALL blessings flow! He has already paid for my mistakes--I need not worry about my future! I am free to do as he wishes (which is the best plan of all), rather than cowering in fear of failure. Who can stand against him? Please pray for my team! They need a saving knowledge of Christ!

ESPN and Josh Hamilton

2008-07-16T00:16:00.001-04:00

It's long, but if you've got 10 minutes you ought to read this. The story is amazing, but I also find it amazing that it's published by such a widely known news source. COOL!

Praise God

2008-07-03T22:29:00.003-04:00

...for all blessings come from him. Time for a praise report!

Youth Camp. So many things happened here...

People were saved! Including a girl on my team! AHHHH! More than cool! Awesome!
Something happened to me, too. I feel like...the old me. Like me in, say...11th grade. Not that 11th grade was great (pfft), but my attitude is way more cheerful than it has been recently. To what can I contribute this recent joy? God.
Made some great friends. The people on my team were great! My co-team-leader (Tim) is a gift from God. I had a great experience as team leader last year with Jason and was afraid my expectations would be too high this year, but Tim was fantastic. And the campers were incredibly willing to participate and a few really interacted with God.

"The Bible is the story of all God has done for me." (Josh Harris) That is incredible. God has done a lot. For me. *breaks into song* Oh! It was all for me! It was your grace that drew me to the cross!
When I write thank-you lists to God, I tend to focus on physical stuff; i.e. right now I'd be listing all the great assets God's given to me. But I don't want to focus on that. So I'm gonna focus on stuff like:

School. Gotta work on thanking God for one more semester at school...need to start expecting his work there.
Evangelism. I went street evangelizing recently for the first time in years, and though I generally don't like the results because I generally don't see them, street evangelism is FUN! The Holy Spirit was definitely pruning my branches through that experience. I can hardly wait for another one (which will come this month, hopefully)!
Friends. So much of my life is good because of friends, and especially their prayers. I love my friends. Some day, in the New Earth, I expect to be able to cultivate my friendships a lot more than I can now. Thank God for the little bit I can do now!
Parents. I am learning a lot about humility and submission because I still live with them. I am not humble or submissive, but I'm learning about it...

Dude, God's awesome. Not kidding in any sense. I wish I could write music for him. Or dance. Or...something. But I guess nothing I do can add to what he's done, so why stress? Ah, God. You're a freaking genius.

All I Could Do...

2008-06-27T13:04:00.001-04:00

...was watch it again. And again. And thank God for talent :-)

Why...

2008-06-21T16:03:00.002-04:00

...are we here?

This is the theme of YCo8. Please be praying for the activity of the Holy Spirit during camp! We're going to be delving into some serious stuff, which is great. Camp is generally the best part of my summer, and so many lives are impacted (just ask the guy who's my co-team-leader). I hear the messages are going to be online, if you're curious about listening to them. However, I highly suggest you visit in person. Camp is great.

WE FINGERPAINT BETTER THAN YOU!!!
(Inside joke. To be explained at a later date.)

Sick

2008-06-06T15:10:00.004-04:00

You know what's worse than not being able to sleep? It's being sick and not being able to sleep. Usually when I'm sick I can sleep like a newborn, which is great 'cos I don't feel sick when I'm asleep. But now...ugh.

This article was good encouragement, though.

Why don't I see a doc? Last time I saw her for a head cold/chest congestion, she gave me albuterol and amoxicillin. Amoxicillin is a terrible thing to hand out for minor-ish sicknesses like mine. It doesn't work, and there's a chance that whatever I'm sick with could get resistant to the drug. Beg to differ, if you'd like...but I have a long, colorful history with that drug, and for me at least, it doesn't shorten recovery time and leaves me weaker than if I hadn't taken it. Albuterol, though...man, that stuff works in ways it shouldn't. It's supposed to dilate the bronchioles and make it easier to breathe. However, it also dilates the blood vessels, which means the heart starts pounding (which mine does anyway when I'm sick, 'cos I usually get dehydrated), which makes the adrenal glands get all excited, which means I breathe faster...and eventually I start bouncing off the roof. I'm surprised people don't just huff albuterol in the mornings instead of drinking coffee. It works faster.